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Been on a boat?

I have read my horoscope in the past indicating that technically I was born under a water sign. Not sure if that was my Chinese horoscope or if it was my Western horoscope though. But as much as I extremely enjoy a lazy day at the beach as much as the next guy, I am not too much a fan of boats. I don’t really get seasick, but the truth is I can’t swim. And the prospect of sitting in a small boat in the middle of the ocean scares the bejeezus out of me most of the time. Not that don’t ride boats but I’d rather take the road than the open sea any day.

What’s your plan for the day?

I am writing this on a Sunday. Nothing much planned for today really, I hope I did have things lined up. I haven’t been to the gym for a long time now, I feel my body actually weakening. In some ways I miss the peace that working out and sweating brings me, and the endorphins. Of course those were mostly things I was able to do when I was still single, I miss them the most. Sleeping all day and waking up to go to the gym and then go shopping. I have always been independent and able to do most things alone, but now, for some reason, I can’t, and I don’t know why exactly. There’s a mega sale at some local nearby mall, if indeed I get the time to get out for today, maybe do some early Christmas shopping and look for standard common gifts to give away to colleagues and old friends. We’ll see.

*Well, this post was started on a Sunday, and, in between events that we can call life, and then some that felt like death, was finished on a Wednesday, a few weeks later. Apologies. if it kinda reads disjointed.

Are you stubborn?

Yes, very much.

Ever cried because you were so happy?

I think it’s sad that I don’t remember any single instance when I cried because of happiness. I did tear up on some movies I have seen, laughed out loud to a couple of tears one time or so, does that count? But not just plain cried because of sheer happiness, no. I suppose that would be a really nice feeling. I wouldn’t know.

Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike.

I am short, sometimes it gets to me that I am and I severely wish I could be at least a couple of inches taller. I stand 5’6” right now, maybe give or take a quarter of an inch. I mean, I know guys who are shorter, but still being below average height is something that I am quite insecure of. Over the course of living in this physical body, I have grown to love my sharp huge jaw and my average penis, but as long as there are home TV shopping ads for height enhancers which give me some semblance of fake hope that I can still grow taller at my age, then I’ll just have to keep hoping.

I have grown to like I think my chest. I don’t have a particularly big chest but I think mine is proportional to my body. And it does help me hide my flabby tummy once in a while by diverting attention up my torso instead of down, so that’s a plus. I’m clearly not too good at doing this so I guess I could stop at any point now.

If you go back to one point in time to give advice to yourself, when would you go and what would you say?

I’d go back to about 10 years ago maybe, I can’t know for sure now, when I started fucking/sleeping around. I’d tell my young stupid self not to fuck/sleep around. That sounds like good advice.

Predict what your life will look like a year from now.

Realistically, not much change from now. Of course who wouldn’t hope of starting a new and better life, preferably living independently, some nice pad close to work, the mall, and the gym (that IS possible) and getting to travel and eat great food and stuff. But maybe a year from now? I’d still be at the same place.

Would you prefer to live? A city? The suburbs? The countryside? The mountains?

The best answer would be in a city near the beach. I wonder why the beach was not one of the original choices, but anyway, yeah. I would love to have the comfort of being able to head to the beach whenever I want to, but then again head out to the nearest club for a great night out. Plus, if in case I end up having a bad night or otherwise, maybe a few too many happy drinks, I could easily run off to the beach to find peace from the stress of the city or puke myself to death on the shore right before skinny dipping into the wee hours of the morning.

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What is something you had to learn that you hated? 

Hate is such a strong word. I can’t really think of anything I learned to hate. Maybe I’m still in the process of learning it.

Would you consider yourself straight, gay, bi, or something else? Why?

I have claimed in the past that if anyone ever asked me this question in person, I would willingly, without batting an eyelash, answer truthfully. And I have been asked this question before by my former team at the office. The only problem I see about it is, I don’t know the answer.

I don’t have a girlfriend right now, I did have a couple in the past. I do have a boyfriend right now, although I would rather use the more politically correct term partner. I don’t enter into relationships if I am not into it for the long run, that’s another reason.

Could I fall in love with a girl? Yes. Could I fall in love with another man? Yes. But as I am now in a committed relationship of course I won’t. And I am not looking into that in the future.

Sexually? That is a non-functional for me. Sex is sex is sex is sex. I’d have it whichever way I want or can get it really. So sexual I do not have any specific preference, I think.

Sounds like a long-winded answer to a simple question. But yeah,its a non-answer too.

What is your religious view of things? What religion, if any, do you call your own?

I was born and raised Roman Catholic, essentially Christian by all respects. That’s the thing about religion, it’s not something that you actually choose to begin with most of the time, you’re mostly born into it. Even though some parents would say that they would be fine with whatever religion their kids would want to go into when they are older,  it is pretty difficult to switch ideologies after a certain age, much less with the myriad of religions you get to learn about as you grow older.

I think  religion is more of a spirituality that you are comfortable with, a set of ideas and concepts that your conscience can grapple with, along with the set of rituals that reinforce those ideas and concepts. I used to dream to become a priest when I was young but then again I outgrew that when I stepped into public high school.

My partner encourages me to hear mass with him and his family one of these days and I honestly wish I could want to take him up on his offer more than ever. I was raised a Catholic school boy so I guess getting back into the rituals feels like I’m going back to the days of my childhood when it was simpler and safer, easier and rigid too at the same time. One of these days I guess.

What would you wish for if you found a genie?

I’d wish for peace. Peace of mind. And satisfaction. Which actually defeats the purpose of a genie in the first place.

Made fun of someone for being fat?

Yes,  but not at to their face. Maybe my brother at one time when I was young but that was more out of anger or spite instead of fun. I think he still has those physical scars to show for that one of many altercations that we had when we were young, I doubt if he could remember any of it though we were really young, and a bit really violent, which is odd since we’re really a quiet set of brothers actually,  even as we are older. 

Had a three-some?

Yes. And it’s definitely not like in porn where everyone is having such fun. Maybe it was just me and my experience, but it was not as good as I think I had imagined it to be. Maybe the next one will be better, I don’t know. 

on goodness

I’ve been meaning to write but then realized I was better off sleeping after everything that happened at work and at home. The thing is, good intentions are never enough unless you put them into actions. Positive actions at that. What’s the use of intending to do something when nothing actually gets done? 

I was thinking about being good the other day. Not being good at something or at work, but being good, being a good person. This, after a heated somewhat compulsive (?) argument with my father one very very early sleepless morning. I can get very cranky and extremely irritable under certain conditions: lack of sleep, hunger, and lack of clarity or actionable conversations. I was under the influence of aall three factors at the time, so, long story short, I ended up throwing a small transistor radio to the wall. Pretty violent yes, and I admit being very temperamental isn’t exactly something to be proud of. I don’t know where I got this attitude but at the very least I do acknowledge it.

So, being good. I don’t know who said it or it has been said as opposed to have been largely assumed, but being or doing good comes natural to most people. I say most people so you’d hear out the rest of this, just in case you believe that some people are naturally born evil. Actually we are all naturally born good, I think. It may not be something that we eventually sustain through the rest of our lives into adulthood, but as babies and or toddlers we are predisposition to do good.

Babies learn their way around things by mimicking people around then, their parents and guardians. That’s how they pick up what words mean and what certain actions will bring about what certain outcome. At the same time, they learn to respond to how their body works, when they are hungry or need something, their first impulse is to cry, the same thing when they feel any sort of pain or discomfort. Then if one adult picks them up or feeds them, they realize slowly that crying or making any sort of noise will produce a certin outcome (being fed or taken care of) and they learn this over and over again. Where’s the good in that? They think about what is good for themselves. The good of the self comes first.

As we grow older and expand out personal network from family to eventually, friends, lovers, other relationships, we realize that there are other people our world who may or may not have the same good intentions as yourself. You start, and are taught in school, about thinking of other people’s needs and wants (what is good for/to them) and learn to consider those things when thinking about the next step you take or action to do. What will they say when you tell them something? What will you say when they say that back to you. You start from small circles like your playmates and neighbors, then move on to the school where you are even more exposed to society as whole and nature and everyone and everything else apart from yourself. And so you act upon what is good not only for yourself but also for the good of other people. You learn to care for other members of society and eventually develop deeper relationships with other people, that as you learn more about them and what is good for them as their personalities reveal to you, you realize that you are no different from them, that what’s good for you as you see it is also the same thing that they see as good for them or feels good for them, as they see it.

Then when you all realize that your goal is the same ,that goodness you seek, you form bonds to active those goals together. Altogether. It seems like an unselfish act but in truth, all just seek the benefit that they have for themselves deep inside, up to the point that sometimes we even fell good when other people get what feels good to them.

When you trace the goodness that is there in the world, it all boils down to the basic nature of people to seek what is good for them. In a way the pursuit of goodness, what feels good, what looks good and what is good for ourselves is always the same. The real conflict only comes up with the definition of what is good or not good. I wouldn’t say bad because in the same vein, what is bad for some might be good for others and vice versa, depending on what virtues we grow up appreciating, and what experiences we would have as we go through life. It is the definition of such that brings about what is not good in others. 

I guess this is an aside that seeks to rationalize myself as a good person. I am a good person, in general. I think or at least I hope. 

throwback thursday: sa hindi maipaliwanag

I don’t know when I wrote this. But it’s one of them notebooks. This is in Filipino, though I am not sure how well this would translate.

Nandun ako. Hindi nga. Nandun ako. Alam ko kasi nandun ako. Nakita ko kasi nandun ako. Narinig ko kasi nandun ako. Naramdaman ko kasi nandun ako. Hindi ako nagbibiro. Sa maniwala ka man o hindi, totoo ang lahat ng sinasabi ko. Nandun ako.

Hindi rin ako makapaniwala sa simula. Hindi ko inaasahang makakarating ako doon sa ganoong oras. Sabi ko nun sa sarili ko, parang may mali, parang hindi ako. Hindi ako yung pupunta doon para sa wala lang. Hindi ako yung maliligaw sa ganoong lugar, dahil hindi ako marunong maligaw. Hindi ako naligaw. Hindi rin ako dumarating ng wala sa oras. Pero iba noon. Hindi ako maaga. Kailan ba naman ako naging maaga? Pero hindi rin ako nahuli. Ang pinagtatakhan ko ay dumating ako sa oras. Sa eksaktong saglit na nangyari ang lahat. Nandun ako ng eksaktong sandali. Nandun ako sa eksaktong lugar. Alam ko. Nandun ako. Pero parang hindi ako ang akong nandun.

Nandun ako. Nandun ako nang nagyari ang lahat ng nangyari. Nandun din sila. Parang pinagtagpo ng tadhana ang lahat at nagkakawing-kawing ang aming mga landas. Kakampi namin ang oras at ang panahon, marahil, dahil sa pagkakasalabit ng aming mga landas ay nandun kami para saksihan ang pagsiwalat ng mga pangyayari para sa bawat isa sa amin. Lahat kami ay naging saksi sa lahat ng pagkakaton. Sa sandaling iyon, lahat kami ay napag-isa sa pitik ng segundo sa gulong ng oras. Ang mga katawan nami’y nanuldok sa gitna ng teon ng kalawakan at kawalan. Marami kami sa tuldok na iyon, marami kami sa pagpatak ng sandali. Kasama ako dun. Sa tuldok. Sa sandali. Naging malinaw ang lahat sa pagkurap ng aming mga mata at paglundag ng aming mga puso. nandun kami. Nandun sila. Nandun ako. Nasaan ka?

Ang galing. Ni hindi ko yata naisip kung bakit o paano ako napunta doon . Sa isang iglap, alam ko na ang lahat, sa susunod, muli ko na itong naitatanong sa iyo. Kakaiba talaga. Ni mga sandali o mga pangyayaribago o matapo ang lahat, kaunti na lang ang naaalala ko. Baka hindi ko na rin nais pang alalahanin, o hindi ko na kaya pa. Sinsasabi na ng utak ng tao ay may kakayahang makaalala nang higit pa sa napapangarap ng tao. Na maliit lang na bahagi nito ang ginagamit natin. Alam ko. Pero nung mga sandaling iyon, para ring sandaling pinatay ang aking isip. Sandali kong hindi kinailangang magisip, o maghukay ng mga sagot sa baul ng aking ala-ala. Nangyari ang lahat ng wala akong kontorl; parang awtomatik ang lahat. Nang balikan ko ang aking isipan, naglaho ang mga tanong. Narito na ang lahat, sabi ko noon. Nandun na ako. Ano pa ang kulang? Wala. Alam mo ba yun? Naiintindihan mo ba? Di ba? O baka naman hindi mo maisip kasi wala ka doon. Ako, nandun.

Aalis ka na ba? Buti na lang. Samahan mo na lang ako. Kailangan ko ang talagang sabihin ito sa iyo para namana mainitindihan mo ako. Alam ko parang magulo sa simula pero maya-maya lang ay makikita mo rin. Sasabihin ko sa iyo ang lahat. Buti naman.

Nasaan na ba ako? A, oo.

Nandun ako. Sila rin. Ngunit may ilan pa ring nandun. Ang ilan ay nagtangka na ring umalis dahil hindi nila makita ang kabuuan ng mga nangyayari. Hindi na kinaya ng kanilang isip ang lahat, ikintaka na nila ang malaking bahagi ng kanilang paniniwala. Pakiramdam siguro nila ay isang malaking biro ang lahat. Pero hindi. Totoo. Walang aksidente sa pagkakatayo nila doon dahil kabilang sila sa lahat. Nangyari ang lahat ng nangyari dahil nagtaka sila sa mga bagay na hindi nila nakikita, kaya lumayo na lang sila at ibinaling ang paningin sa iba. Nabulagan sila ng tabing nang tuluyan at hindi nila nalaman ang mga sagot na bigla na lamang nandun. Sayang, hindi nila naramdaman na maging ang kanilang dilim ay kabilang sa tumuldok sa kalawakan, sa pumitik na sandali. Sabi ko sa iyo, sa ilang napagpapakitaan ng liwanang, marami pa rin ang pilit na pipikit at dadaing sa silaw.

Ang ingay naman. Noon, sabi ko. Ang ingay nung nandun ako. Marami kang naririnig, maririnig. Ngunit ang hirap humanap ng pakikinggan. Hindi ko maintindihan kung ingay lang iyon dahil sa nangyari, o kung lahat sila ay nagsasalita. Tama. Lahat nga sila nagsasalita. Sabi ng iba nalalaman na nila ang lahat. Naiintindihan nila ang nangyayari. Daw. Yun ang sinsasabi nila. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kailangan pa nila sabihin kung ano ang nagaganap e nandun na nga sila? Parang ikinukuwento lang nila ulit kung ano na yung naririnig ng pinagkukuwentuhan nila. Yung iba naman tanong nang tanong. Makulit naman sila. Hindi ba nila naririnig ang nangyayari? Parang nandun nga sila pero wala sila dun. Nakakarinidi ang ingay. Doon, sabi ko. Dagdag pa rin ang ilan na nagsasabi ng mga nangyayari pero sa totoo, sinsasabi lang nila ang gusto nilang mangyari. Ang masama pa nito, sumisigaw sila. Parang sumiigaw sila ng kanilang mga utos sa kanilang lipon ng mga bingi. Parang wala dun ang kausap. Parang wala silang mga sumisigaw dun pero nandun sila. Narinig ko ang lahat. Nandun ako. Ang hirap palang pilitin na walang pakinggan kung hindi mo maiwasan ang makarinig o makapakinig. Nakikinig ka pa ba?

Ang sabi ko, kung nakikinig ka pa ba sa mga sinasabi ko? Buti kung ganoon. Akala ko nabibingi ka na rin.

Naramdaman mo ba yun? Parang may malamig na hanging dumaan. Nagyun-ngayon lang. Sabi nila, ibig sabihin daw nun e may kasama tayo. Huwag kang matakot. Kakampi natin sila. Sana.

Nagulat din ako. Oo. Medyo. Konti. Kung sa bagay, parang kinutuban na rin ako. Hindi masamang kutob o mabuting kutob na parang swerte. Hindi ganoon. Wala. Kutob lang. Na may mangyayari. Hindi naman talaga natin masasabi kung mabuti o masama ang nangyari, di ba?