icebreaker 019

Who are the people who lift you up?

I don’t know if I need lifting. Most of the time I just lift myself up when I’m down. Of course I have my close friends, less than a handful of them really to depend on when times get tough, but only when they get really really tough.

Other people would probably say their family, apart from their friends. But I fear I don’t feel the same way. I don’t think anyone in my family feels the same way. And I know it’s kind of sad and odd at the same time. But, yeah.

Are you willing to release him/her from your anger and forgive him/her?

How long can anyone really be or stay mad at someone? How long can you actually physically and mentally (psychologically) sutain anger? Against anyone or anything in particular?

Ok, that doesn’t really answer the question. I may eat my words in the near, or hopefully far future or maybe not, but I won’t and can’t forgive him. He is ill, I know, but I wouldn’t even give him the satisfaction of my pity or forgiveness. Half of his illness is his fault, though there is no known cause of Parkinson’s disease bu the way he managed it was absolutely irresponsible even for someone who was ill.

I still know that at the back of my mind I hope to forgive him but I don’t see any good reason for that right now.

How do you feel about a vacation?

That sounds quite nice about now. Right now. This very second.

But truth is I am saving up my vacation days for my mandatory leave in two months. By then, I wish two weeks off work and out of the house would get me back into whatever groove I wish I could say I had before, or maybe get me out of this deep, deep puddle of a rut my stressful life is in. A good case of ice-cold beer is required of course.

Do you worry about being taken for granted?

In all essence, no. Is that really a bad thing? I’ve been really independent for most my life, and I don’t really like unwarranted attention that much from anyone so I guess that makes me like a plant.

How do you feel about when you judge yourself inadequate, guilty, or unlovable?

When did I ever? When did I ever not? And how does that feel? Pretty normal. Everyone has their own insecurities in their lives, I guess I’m not so different, I hope.

How do you feel about when your criticized or made fun of in public?

“Fuck it, let’s do this.”

I don’t think I’ve ever been put in that kind of situation before, to have myself publicly criticized or made fun of. Or maybe not, I have been performing with the company’s choir for the past three years already so I am not a stranger to putting on a show in public. And I have been made to sing in a couple of public venues as well as play host to one of my friend’s weddings, so yeah I have had my share of the limelight so to speak.

But I’ve never thought of those instances as a chance to publicly ridicule myself or expose any of my weaknesses. I think of it as a challenge of how much courage or guts I have, or maybe a test of how much of my own ego I can stand. In Filipino, papangatawanan ko na lang.

How do you feel about parades?

Parades are fun, unless you’re in it, except when it’s thrown in your honor, I guess.

I remember watching the Rose Bowl Parade on TV when I was a kid. I wondered how much fun it would be to work on those gigantic floats and how thrilling it would be to see them coming down the street in person.

In highschool, I worked with my fellow scouts as representatives for our school in the annual city parade, that was hell and half. It was nice at the start, but when midday comes and the heat and hunger is getting to you, you can barely muster a smile anymore and just would wish death or the parade to be over. Ahh, the scouting days.

In college, we used to anticipate watching the annual lantern parade in the university right around Christmas break. I worked with the council then too, so we had more time to spend on helping out with organizing the college “float” during my final year on college. It was better since the parade was done at night, and you could enjoy the lights on the parade partcicpants just sitting on the sidelines, or get a tour of the whole university all lit up for the Holiday season by walking with the parade.

Who controls the mood in your house? The conversation? The bed?

The bed… and the idiot box.

What is your favorite fruit?

Tomatoes.

I Second That Emotion

But a true narcissist would have to reveal his intentions to further his goal, afterall, the self is the goal.

Knowing the Narcissist

Image result for mimicry emotion

 

The emotional spectrum afforded to my kind is limited. The bulk of the positive emotions that you experience have either been stripped away or moulded into one all-pervasive sensation and that is of power. Whereas you might experience joy, elation, happiness and delight, we feel power. That surging sensation which courses through us as a consequence of the receipt of fuel, be it positive or negative. Secure a promotion? I feel powerful. My football team wins? I feel powerful. I seduce a new victim? I feel powerful. I experience amusement, indeed, I have an excellent sense of humour but if I make you laugh through my sense of humour I feel a sense of power once again.

I do not feel sadness. I have, for the sake of gathering fuel, sat through numerous films which are described as tear-jerkers and entertained myself as I have alternated between watching the…

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diary ng panget 3

*This is the last part of the series.

***

13 April 2015 9:31 PM

I don’t know what I actually feel about this, but I absolutely cannot get you out of my mind. I took a chance last night and met you again after eleven years. I knew I kind of remembered seeing you before in the office, but then I was not that kind of person yet.

I am not even sure if you’re my type really. I’m not even sure if I do have a type at all. I guess your brain was the biggest draw, and the fact that we at least have one thing in common.

I liked the way you slightly flirted with me, every time we dropped a card. I think it was subtle, and that was what made the biggest impact on me. I am no really sure if you were flirting with me, maybe I just made that up. Your legs brushed up against mine. Those small gestures that met your skin with mine. I’m not sure if I was imagining things. Maybe I was, but it felt good.

I hope I can see you again, I can’t help but think of talking to you again, kissing you again, and maybe something naughty. Yeah, I’d really like to do that with you again. Hopefully not as part of a drunken stupor.

You really seem like a really great guy, darn it people like you still do exist.

I wish I can see you again, talk to you again, just be with you again, and soon. Really soon.

***

02 May 2015 9:50 AM

Open relationship? How can you be in an open relationship if you’re not even in one? Aren’t you supposed to be in a loved relationship first before opening it up?

I guess my real question is with whom? I don’t know. I didn’t ask. I couldn’t ask.

I am severely hoping that it was me. It had to be me. I want it to be me.

I was willing to give it my all as I think I always do. But you were taking one of it.

***

06 May 2015 1:36 AM
And then he said he wanted to talk. Things have been going at a really comfortable pace with the Baker. Our dates have been nothing but nice and sweet. I actually enjoy hanging out with him more than the nagging fear that I he might actually be too good for me and me bad for him. But no matter, this is my time for being open and I love that he respects that.

And then the damaged guy says he wants to talk. I am flabbergasted and appalled. No word from him for a few days and then this. His timing couldn’t be more screwed up.

It’s too early to call what that means or if it even means anything at all. He is what he is and I respect that and I do not need no explanations. It is what it is, however different it may look or may be misconstrued from either side.

*Epilogue:

So that was that. We talked and subconsciously decided that there was nothing there. Nothing for me at least in the way the he wanted me there. It was apparently too good to be true for me, and just so-so for him. I never figured out what it was exactly.

What can I say? The first time I met him, I admit I was smitten. This actually seemed like I guy I would be totally in to, if not relate to, if that was anything to base a future relationship on. Yes, back then, I was so instantly attracted to him, I was imagining us in an actual relationship already. It was bad.

So in the end, that was how falling in love I guess probably felt. Literally falling. Helplessly falling. It would have been the second time I fell in love with someone, though the first with another man. But then on both occasions, things just fizzled out.

That just goes to show that sometimes the really dramatic love stories aren’t really that romantic or full of love afterall. Most of the times it’s just you creating meaning in things that don’t have to mean anything at all. In a way I was glad that I met him and he made me feel like I was in love. Even if it was with the idea of a relationship with him.

He’s happily committed now, it looks like it from his social media posts but then again I can’t really tell. I sent him a message on his birthday and he said thanks. I thought I’d call him out on his new partner, on how he was always a free man who’d never fall in love again, yada, yada, yada, and all that shit, but what’s the point anyway? Good for him he’s happy now just not with me.

And as for me? I’ve never been more lucky and more happy than with my Baker partner right now. He came just at the right moment and it’s been a year since.

icebreaker 018

Name all the vehicles you have owned in your adult life.

I know this might come as a surprise to most, but I don’t drive. I’m a grown-ass man who needs to be chauffeured around. The closest I got to actually driving was a week of dirivng school and an expired student permit, which I got waaay after I was no longer a student, of school or of driving.

I did some driving for my ex-girlfriend before, which was funny, for her, but was gut-wrenching for me, as she stayed past one of the busiest and deadliest highways in the city, just a few minutes from the university. I can’t say I didn’t like driving, but I was not too much into it. Imoney didn’t have my own car, and the places I worked in, parking was always either a hassle, or as rare as a Pikachu in a mall. Add gass prices, maintenance, and traffic, God have mercy, the traffic, it’s pretty discouraging for me.

But hey, I don’t know. Maybe in the future, when someone finally figures out how to ease the traffic in the metro, or companies invest in more parking spaces or company car loans, or if one day everybody suddenly wakes up with that intense sense of discipline on the streets, then maybe I’d drive.

Where were you when you had your first kiss?

I don’t remember. I guess on one hand, I didn’t really start dating until around middle of college, and breezed through a lot of one-night stands, random encounters, and weird relationships, that everything seemed like a blur until the recent ones, around a few years back. Anything before that, it’s all a haze.

Would you ever loan a significant amount of money to a friend/relative ? Why or why not?

I do and I have. I am not rich, but I say I count myself as lucky as I never had to depend on other people for my finances, ever since I started working, which is quite early, given that I didn’t finish school. So take giving out loans to close friends and close family as okay, fotrunately, I never really had anyone fail to pay me back yet.

How would I describe you to a blind person?

Normal.

Describe your hero.

He would be the embodiment of myself, minus all the traits I hate about my self, plus all the characteristics I would want to have. My hero is an illusion of myself, yes, but still as aspirational, no?

How do you feel about being a step-parent?

It would be really hard. For me at least. I am not good with kids, and neither are kids good with me. I couldn’t even be good with other people who are not kids anymore, what more if those kids were not mine? It will be challenging for me, definitely.

I think I treat kids the same way I wished I was treated as a kid: like an adult.

What do you like best about your family?

What is there to like? I did not grow up in a dysfunctional family, at least I don’t think we were dysfunctional when I was growing up, but then again I didn’t know that that was even a thing yet. But in hindsight, yeah, no.

But neither was my family, ideal, like a really tight knit, jokingly sweet, huggy kind of family. I don’t think we were even normal. We were more civil than loving, which kinda sucks. I used to and still envy my friends and colleagues who have more ideal family types which they have sustained until today. Ours? Not so much. I think we’ve grown to be that dysfunctional family we never thought we could be. This is depressing just trying to think of talking about it.

How do you feel about the politically correct rules of not calling Christmas occasions Christmas occasions, but holiday parties, etc?

Those rules are a bit stupid.

diary ng panget 2

*This is the second part of this series, devoted to talking about that brief encounter I had with this guy a year ago. And some of the pathetic thoughts I scribbled down.

***
10 April 2015 1:24 AM

I am slowly realizing that this whole coming out thing might be a lot harder than what I was thinking. There’s family, friends, coworkers and even older friends and coworkers. That is a lot to take on with just one piece of information.

I could always have a blast and have a big coming out party. But that’s not me. Hell I don’t even know what I am coming out as. Am I gay? Am I bisexuality? Pansexual? Pangender? I don’t know. What would it really mean to come out anyway?

I could count a handful of instances that anyone has ever asked me if I was gay. I think one was when my father asked me in a fit of rage. Another when a close friend and coworker had unintentionally brought it up in a conversation over a few drinks. I can’t explicitly recall any other instance. I guess even then I never really thought to ask. Maybe I was scared of it, that question. Maybe I that was one question that I had asked myself before but never really got an answer for.

I think I’ve got one part of the answer figured out at least: I’m not straight. But it’s always easier to dismiss what you are not than to figure out what you really are.

I’m old. I suppose this information on coming out would be in a way stupid. Should it even really matter? I don’t know. It has never impacted the way I relate to other people before. Maybe if I do come out it will. Maybe it will change me. Maybe it will change me for the better maybe not. I don’t know. I still have to figure this out.

I am thankful that I had met Mark. If not for him bringing it up I would not have put the question on the table for myself. It feels good to know a person that is comfortable with who he is and he’s at the same time not the stereotypical homosexual man, if he even identifies himself as such. I am interested in getting to know him better.

I can only hope he feels the same. In short, I am considering coming out because of him.

***

11 April 2015 5:50 PM

I think this is going well. I think. The fact that he did show up and offered to get me my drink should be a good sign right? Looking forward to the rest of the night.

***

11 April 2015 8:33 PM
I told him it was not such a big deal for me, coming out. Maybe for the right person, yes. But not for myself. At length I did tell him that coming out for myself was a bit selfish. It was selfish. I don’t know what that means, really. I was just scared of it.

***

12 April 2015 1:06 AM

Tonight was fine, by no standards at all. We had coffee, dinner, and drinks for the nightcap. From everything that he told me and everything that he had meant to tell me, this was a road to nowhere. Clearly this was not someone who even had an inch of spark with me, in as much as I thought there was. We connected but not in the same level. It was fine I suppose, I had fun, he had fun, and we actually went out. I think that’s the most I could hope for.

I can play this out two ways. First, be his friend. We connected so that should at least be something. One way, yes but still. And then I could just wait it out until he learns to trust me or at least just learn from the whole thing altogether.

Second, I can court him. I say it shouldn’t be that hard as he has already given me most of what I need. I suppose I can plan this out in one for or another, some sort of project. But then I would be faced with the fact that I may simply be not his type at all and get rejected and ruin whatever was started in the first place. That could work against my advantage but undoubtedly I could still learn a thing or two. I don’t know.

I really like this guy. I mean I won’t even do these things if i didn’t. But then I guess part of that challenge is actually not being able to read the person at all. I am sure he has given me hints but what is it that draw me back to him overand over again?

Maybe I’m just happy to be able to spend more time with him. Maybe I just wanted someone to talk to. Maybe it was just me after all who is imagining things.

But what if? 

***

To be continued…