icebreaker 020

What is something you had to learn that you hated? 

Hate is such a strong word. I can’t really think of anything I learned to hate. Maybe I’m still in the process of learning it.

Would you consider yourself straight, gay, bi, or something else? Why?

I have claimed in the past that if anyone ever asked me this question in person, I would willingly, without batting an eyelash, answer truthfully. And I have been asked this question before by my former team at the office. The only problem I see about it is, I don’t know the answer.

I don’t have a girlfriend right now, I did have a couple in the past. I do have a boyfriend right now, although I would rather use the more politically correct term partner. I don’t enter into relationships if I am not into it for the long run, that’s another reason.

Could I fall in love with a girl? Yes. Could I fall in love with another man? Yes. But as I am now in a committed relationship of course I won’t. And I am not looking into that in the future.

Sexually? That is a non-functional for me. Sex is sex is sex is sex. I’d have it whichever way I want or can get it really. So sexual I do not have any specific preference, I think.

Sounds like a long-winded answer to a simple question. But yeah,its a non-answer too.

What is your religious view of things? What religion, if any, do you call your own?

I was born and raised Roman Catholic, essentially Christian by all respects. That’s the thing about religion, it’s not something that you actually choose to begin with most of the time, you’re mostly born into it. Even though some parents would say that they would be fine with whatever religion their kids would want to go into when they are older,  it is pretty difficult to switch ideologies after a certain age, much less with the myriad of religions you get to learn about as you grow older.

I think  religion is more of a spirituality that you are comfortable with, a set of ideas and concepts that your conscience can grapple with, along with the set of rituals that reinforce those ideas and concepts. I used to dream to become a priest when I was young but then again I outgrew that when I stepped into public high school.

My partner encourages me to hear mass with him and his family one of these days and I honestly wish I could want to take him up on his offer more than ever. I was raised a Catholic school boy so I guess getting back into the rituals feels like I’m going back to the days of my childhood when it was simpler and safer, easier and rigid too at the same time. One of these days I guess.

What would you wish for if you found a genie?

I’d wish for peace. Peace of mind. And satisfaction. Which actually defeats the purpose of a genie in the first place.

Made fun of someone for being fat?

Yes,  but not at to their face. Maybe my brother at one time when I was young but that was more out of anger or spite instead of fun. I think he still has those physical scars to show for that one of many altercations that we had when we were young, I doubt if he could remember any of it though we were really young, and a bit really violent, which is odd since we’re really a quiet set of brothers actually,  even as we are older. 

Had a three-some?

Yes. And it’s definitely not like in porn where everyone is having such fun. Maybe it was just me and my experience, but it was not as good as I think I had imagined it to be. Maybe the next one will be better, I don’t know. 

diary ng panget 3

*This is the last part of the series.

***

13 April 2015 9:31 PM

I don’t know what I actually feel about this, but I absolutely cannot get you out of my mind. I took a chance last night and met you again after eleven years. I knew I kind of remembered seeing you before in the office, but then I was not that kind of person yet.

I am not even sure if you’re my type really. I’m not even sure if I do have a type at all. I guess your brain was the biggest draw, and the fact that we at least have one thing in common.

I liked the way you slightly flirted with me, every time we dropped a card. I think it was subtle, and that was what made the biggest impact on me. I am no really sure if you were flirting with me, maybe I just made that up. Your legs brushed up against mine. Those small gestures that met your skin with mine. I’m not sure if I was imagining things. Maybe I was, but it felt good.

I hope I can see you again, I can’t help but think of talking to you again, kissing you again, and maybe something naughty. Yeah, I’d really like to do that with you again. Hopefully not as part of a drunken stupor.

You really seem like a really great guy, darn it people like you still do exist.

I wish I can see you again, talk to you again, just be with you again, and soon. Really soon.

***

02 May 2015 9:50 AM

Open relationship? How can you be in an open relationship if you’re not even in one? Aren’t you supposed to be in a loved relationship first before opening it up?

I guess my real question is with whom? I don’t know. I didn’t ask. I couldn’t ask.

I am severely hoping that it was me. It had to be me. I want it to be me.

I was willing to give it my all as I think I always do. But you were taking one of it.

***

06 May 2015 1:36 AM
And then he said he wanted to talk. Things have been going at a really comfortable pace with the Baker. Our dates have been nothing but nice and sweet. I actually enjoy hanging out with him more than the nagging fear that I he might actually be too good for me and me bad for him. But no matter, this is my time for being open and I love that he respects that.

And then the damaged guy says he wants to talk. I am flabbergasted and appalled. No word from him for a few days and then this. His timing couldn’t be more screwed up.

It’s too early to call what that means or if it even means anything at all. He is what he is and I respect that and I do not need no explanations. It is what it is, however different it may look or may be misconstrued from either side.

*Epilogue:

So that was that. We talked and subconsciously decided that there was nothing there. Nothing for me at least in the way the he wanted me there. It was apparently too good to be true for me, and just so-so for him. I never figured out what it was exactly.

What can I say? The first time I met him, I admit I was smitten. This actually seemed like I guy I would be totally in to, if not relate to, if that was anything to base a future relationship on. Yes, back then, I was so instantly attracted to him, I was imagining us in an actual relationship already. It was bad.

So in the end, that was how falling in love I guess probably felt. Literally falling. Helplessly falling. It would have been the second time I fell in love with someone, though the first with another man. But then on both occasions, things just fizzled out.

That just goes to show that sometimes the really dramatic love stories aren’t really that romantic or full of love afterall. Most of the times it’s just you creating meaning in things that don’t have to mean anything at all. In a way I was glad that I met him and he made me feel like I was in love. Even if it was with the idea of a relationship with him.

He’s happily committed now, it looks like it from his social media posts but then again I can’t really tell. I sent him a message on his birthday and he said thanks. I thought I’d call him out on his new partner, on how he was always a free man who’d never fall in love again, yada, yada, yada, and all that shit, but what’s the point anyway? Good for him he’s happy now just not with me.

And as for me? I’ve never been more lucky and more happy than with my Baker partner right now. He came just at the right moment and it’s been a year since.

diary ng panget 2

*This is the second part of this series, devoted to talking about that brief encounter I had with this guy a year ago. And some of the pathetic thoughts I scribbled down.

***
10 April 2015 1:24 AM

I am slowly realizing that this whole coming out thing might be a lot harder than what I was thinking. There’s family, friends, coworkers and even older friends and coworkers. That is a lot to take on with just one piece of information.

I could always have a blast and have a big coming out party. But that’s not me. Hell I don’t even know what I am coming out as. Am I gay? Am I bisexuality? Pansexual? Pangender? I don’t know. What would it really mean to come out anyway?

I could count a handful of instances that anyone has ever asked me if I was gay. I think one was when my father asked me in a fit of rage. Another when a close friend and coworker had unintentionally brought it up in a conversation over a few drinks. I can’t explicitly recall any other instance. I guess even then I never really thought to ask. Maybe I was scared of it, that question. Maybe I that was one question that I had asked myself before but never really got an answer for.

I think I’ve got one part of the answer figured out at least: I’m not straight. But it’s always easier to dismiss what you are not than to figure out what you really are.

I’m old. I suppose this information on coming out would be in a way stupid. Should it even really matter? I don’t know. It has never impacted the way I relate to other people before. Maybe if I do come out it will. Maybe it will change me. Maybe it will change me for the better maybe not. I don’t know. I still have to figure this out.

I am thankful that I had met Mark. If not for him bringing it up I would not have put the question on the table for myself. It feels good to know a person that is comfortable with who he is and he’s at the same time not the stereotypical homosexual man, if he even identifies himself as such. I am interested in getting to know him better.

I can only hope he feels the same. In short, I am considering coming out because of him.

***

11 April 2015 5:50 PM

I think this is going well. I think. The fact that he did show up and offered to get me my drink should be a good sign right? Looking forward to the rest of the night.

***

11 April 2015 8:33 PM
I told him it was not such a big deal for me, coming out. Maybe for the right person, yes. But not for myself. At length I did tell him that coming out for myself was a bit selfish. It was selfish. I don’t know what that means, really. I was just scared of it.

***

12 April 2015 1:06 AM

Tonight was fine, by no standards at all. We had coffee, dinner, and drinks for the nightcap. From everything that he told me and everything that he had meant to tell me, this was a road to nowhere. Clearly this was not someone who even had an inch of spark with me, in as much as I thought there was. We connected but not in the same level. It was fine I suppose, I had fun, he had fun, and we actually went out. I think that’s the most I could hope for.

I can play this out two ways. First, be his friend. We connected so that should at least be something. One way, yes but still. And then I could just wait it out until he learns to trust me or at least just learn from the whole thing altogether.

Second, I can court him. I say it shouldn’t be that hard as he has already given me most of what I need. I suppose I can plan this out in one for or another, some sort of project. But then I would be faced with the fact that I may simply be not his type at all and get rejected and ruin whatever was started in the first place. That could work against my advantage but undoubtedly I could still learn a thing or two. I don’t know.

I really like this guy. I mean I won’t even do these things if i didn’t. But then I guess part of that challenge is actually not being able to read the person at all. I am sure he has given me hints but what is it that draw me back to him overand over again?

Maybe I’m just happy to be able to spend more time with him. Maybe I just wanted someone to talk to. Maybe it was just me after all who is imagining things.

But what if? 

***

To be continued…

icebreaker 017

Have you ever been rejected by a crush?

Yes, though I don’t think it was just a crush, it was more of a severe or deep (very) deep infatuation. I was already thinking waay too far ahead into things that I was not able to see that I was just not who he was looking for. Whatever kind of person that was, I’d never know now.

When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?

I don’t really remember, maybe it was way back in college. Or maybe after that. I have a slight memory of writing to my ex-girlfriend back then. But we also had phones and I was working in a paperless office then too, so I guess those must have been emails or something, or text messages.

I used to keep a pen pal in college, some guy I met online, a Filipino based in the US. We had a good run I suppose, a couple of years. He was fond of writing me letters and poems and essays and stories in Filipino, and I could say I was fond of him enough not to criticize his Amboy accent on paper. I remember he’s a nurse now, but I am not sure if he still remembers me though. I think I can still dig up a few of his letters to me, if I try hard.

Wear a bath robe?

Yes, if I had my way, I’d wear one everyday when at home. Comfy and always ready for fun. Haha.

Who was your high school crush?

These questions never fail to surprise me. Sheila Marie Juan. Now Juan-Catillo. Almost everybody I know knows that.

Do you like the type of music your parents listen to?

I remember a few Sunday mornings waking up to the radio on, with my mom doing the laundry across the hall. I think I must have heard her sing a few times. Old songs maybe 50’s or 60’s I’m not really sure. Good days.

Do your parents like the type of music you listen to?

I don’t know if they know what kind of music I listen to. They haven’t even heard me sing, as far as I can remember.

What’s the best route to your heart?

Food. Cake. Sweet things. Sex. ALL of the above.

Make a 5 song playlist that sums you up as a person.

This is hard. Maybe currently, as of course, the music I listen to does change depending on my mood.

  1. All My Friends by Snakehips
  2. Wait for It by Lin-Manuel Miranda, from the musical Hamilton
  3. One Dance by Drake
  4. Standing in the Way of Control by The Gossip
  5. Habits (Stay High) by Tove Lo

What was your first job?

Would an internship count? I did an internship with a very small port-side publication, where I did a few marketing materials and branding and identity. After that, I worked as an intern at a PR firm, and helped create the campaign for the first Filipino team to climb Mount Everest, apart form local election campaign for a provincial governor. Those were my first twp paying jobs. I eventually worked for customer service for a dog food company before moving into the BPO industry.

Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

Yes. My current partner, Jerome.

diary ng panget

*I stumbled upon a series of scribbles from last year about this guy. It was about a series of dates, maybe just a couple of them, with this guy I re-met via social networking. I say re-met since I do remember him from work before, he was a friend of a friend in the office, though we have never been formally introduced nor have spoken to each other, but we recognized each other’s faces. We went out a couple of times and seemed to hit it off instantly but then, well, things happened.

***

07 April 2015 1:03 AM

I don’t think I am one to obsess but I think I am obsessed a bit.

I want to see him again. Talk to him again. Hold him again. Kiss him again.

I am unsure if he felt any spark like I did. I did. The more I think about it, I did. I am not sure if that is rare but I did.

I don’t think he is my type but why am I still thinking of him? I don’t know.

This is going to distract me more than the usual. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe that’s the last thing I need right now. I need focus in my life. It’s just a matter of what to see my focus on.

I’m not a good online stalker. I can’t even find him on Facebook. And to think we used to work in the same circles. But I have his number. I think. And that should, could be enough.

A decent interested enough reply. In three days. I’ll give it three days. Otherwise then there’s none. I’d accept the fact that I was just imagining that stupid spark. Three days starting tomorrow.

***

09 April 2015 1:08 PM

Is being out or not a deal breaker, I asked him. For some reason I could not hear or remember his exact reply underneath the whispers. Something about going out of coffee, watching a movie, some sort of date. Then walking up to someone in a sun dress, wide-brimmed hat, and sunglasses, which he told me was not something he really did on a regular basis, only for fun or on Halloween. I don’t know what he exactly said. Or I choose to not remember. I was more sober that moment than when I led him up to my room.

***

09 April 2015 5:47 PM

This silence is killing me. I restless and more out of focus than before. I know that I shouldn’t be expecting too much out of it, we’ve actually only got together twice and those were not even actual dates, now that I don’t even actually know what a actual date should look and feel like.

Again, I am just be way too over my head on this. I really like this person even though he’s the least from what I think my type is.

I’ll give it until tonight. If the silence persists then it must be me and my mind fuck overthinking thing again. Times like this I can totally validate how much of a uptight person I really am.

And to think I was already considering coming out for him. But that is for another post. 

***

To be continued…