what do you do? 

I’m in a crowded bus on the way to the great North, north of the city that is, to meet up with my partner who’s off to Hongkong tomorrow over the weekend. I wish I could surprise him with tickets to join him myself but a guy can dream. 

I have been spending too much brain power at work over the recent few weeks as am currently trying to get a grip on a new process that was given to me. So far the results have not been stellar, and I am beginning to think that they are starting to have regrets on why they hired me in the first place. So much for not meeting service levels over the past few weeks, right after I was awarded with a commendation after an efficiency project for my former process. 

And that brings me down to work. What do you do? When you get asked the question, what do you say? How do you begin to explain your job to someone who doesn’t know anything about it? In the same way, say it’s career day at your kid’s school and you were invited to speak to junior high school students on your career, howwoudl you begin your talk? How would you describe your job/career in such a way that the students would find it interesting? Well, is it interesting in the first place? 

I bet you would never have had an idea that people were actually hired for the things you currently do before you got hired. Apart from the standard careers like doctors, firemen, etc., at least those people you would have a pretty good idea of what they would do at work, you have seen what firemen do and you would have gone to the doctor once or twice as a kid.

But I work in a bank. Does that make me a banker? What does a banker do? I would never have imagined as a kid that I would work in a bank one day, much less have any sort of idea what working in a bank meant. I would imagine them holding money, lots of it, and keeping money. Money goes into a bank so people wouldn’t spend it. And then when they are ready to do so, they take it out of the bank. Hmmmm. That doesn’t exactly would like what I do right now. I have been working in several financial institutions for the past 13 (?) years and I have yet to see actual money in the office. One office I worked for was even paperless in a sense.

So again, how would I describe my work/job concisely and accurately to someone who doesn’t have a clue about trade financing and markets?

I’ve thought about it over dinner and realized something. The job title. When you’re young choosing what you want to be when you grow up, you’d always come up with the same worn-out answers for the generic careers, and I don’t mean generic in a bad way, generic because it’s widely aspirational (?), commonly looked up to, or known. I have yet to meet a kid who wants to become an FX trader or compliance officer.

So what’s the point of this again? I’ve completely lost it, I’m sorry. Oh, yes: what do you do? One could start to answer the question more sensibly by making comparisons with other types of careers jobs which are more relatable than the title risk and product controller. Security guard. I’ve heard that on one training session before. I am like a security guard for trades. Hmmm. Close enough.

So what do you do?

on goodness

I’ve been meaning to write but then realized I was better off sleeping after everything that happened at work and at home. The thing is, good intentions are never enough unless you put them into actions. Positive actions at that. What’s the use of intending to do something when nothing actually gets done? 

I was thinking about being good the other day. Not being good at something or at work, but being good, being a good person. This, after a heated somewhat compulsive (?) argument with my father one very very early sleepless morning. I can get very cranky and extremely irritable under certain conditions: lack of sleep, hunger, and lack of clarity or actionable conversations. I was under the influence of aall three factors at the time, so, long story short, I ended up throwing a small transistor radio to the wall. Pretty violent yes, and I admit being very temperamental isn’t exactly something to be proud of. I don’t know where I got this attitude but at the very least I do acknowledge it.

So, being good. I don’t know who said it or it has been said as opposed to have been largely assumed, but being or doing good comes natural to most people. I say most people so you’d hear out the rest of this, just in case you believe that some people are naturally born evil. Actually we are all naturally born good, I think. It may not be something that we eventually sustain through the rest of our lives into adulthood, but as babies and or toddlers we are predisposition to do good.

Babies learn their way around things by mimicking people around then, their parents and guardians. That’s how they pick up what words mean and what certain actions will bring about what certain outcome. At the same time, they learn to respond to how their body works, when they are hungry or need something, their first impulse is to cry, the same thing when they feel any sort of pain or discomfort. Then if one adult picks them up or feeds them, they realize slowly that crying or making any sort of noise will produce a certin outcome (being fed or taken care of) and they learn this over and over again. Where’s the good in that? They think about what is good for themselves. The good of the self comes first.

As we grow older and expand out personal network from family to eventually, friends, lovers, other relationships, we realize that there are other people our world who may or may not have the same good intentions as yourself. You start, and are taught in school, about thinking of other people’s needs and wants (what is good for/to them) and learn to consider those things when thinking about the next step you take or action to do. What will they say when you tell them something? What will you say when they say that back to you. You start from small circles like your playmates and neighbors, then move on to the school where you are even more exposed to society as whole and nature and everyone and everything else apart from yourself. And so you act upon what is good not only for yourself but also for the good of other people. You learn to care for other members of society and eventually develop deeper relationships with other people, that as you learn more about them and what is good for them as their personalities reveal to you, you realize that you are no different from them, that what’s good for you as you see it is also the same thing that they see as good for them or feels good for them, as they see it.

Then when you all realize that your goal is the same ,that goodness you seek, you form bonds to active those goals together. Altogether. It seems like an unselfish act but in truth, all just seek the benefit that they have for themselves deep inside, up to the point that sometimes we even fell good when other people get what feels good to them.

When you trace the goodness that is there in the world, it all boils down to the basic nature of people to seek what is good for them. In a way the pursuit of goodness, what feels good, what looks good and what is good for ourselves is always the same. The real conflict only comes up with the definition of what is good or not good. I wouldn’t say bad because in the same vein, what is bad for some might be good for others and vice versa, depending on what virtues we grow up appreciating, and what experiences we would have as we go through life. It is the definition of such that brings about what is not good in others. 

I guess this is an aside that seeks to rationalize myself as a good person. I am a good person, in general. I think or at least I hope. 

diary ng panget 2

*This is the second part of this series, devoted to talking about that brief encounter I had with this guy a year ago. And some of the pathetic thoughts I scribbled down.

***
10 April 2015 1:24 AM

I am slowly realizing that this whole coming out thing might be a lot harder than what I was thinking. There’s family, friends, coworkers and even older friends and coworkers. That is a lot to take on with just one piece of information.

I could always have a blast and have a big coming out party. But that’s not me. Hell I don’t even know what I am coming out as. Am I gay? Am I bisexuality? Pansexual? Pangender? I don’t know. What would it really mean to come out anyway?

I could count a handful of instances that anyone has ever asked me if I was gay. I think one was when my father asked me in a fit of rage. Another when a close friend and coworker had unintentionally brought it up in a conversation over a few drinks. I can’t explicitly recall any other instance. I guess even then I never really thought to ask. Maybe I was scared of it, that question. Maybe I that was one question that I had asked myself before but never really got an answer for.

I think I’ve got one part of the answer figured out at least: I’m not straight. But it’s always easier to dismiss what you are not than to figure out what you really are.

I’m old. I suppose this information on coming out would be in a way stupid. Should it even really matter? I don’t know. It has never impacted the way I relate to other people before. Maybe if I do come out it will. Maybe it will change me. Maybe it will change me for the better maybe not. I don’t know. I still have to figure this out.

I am thankful that I had met Mark. If not for him bringing it up I would not have put the question on the table for myself. It feels good to know a person that is comfortable with who he is and he’s at the same time not the stereotypical homosexual man, if he even identifies himself as such. I am interested in getting to know him better.

I can only hope he feels the same. In short, I am considering coming out because of him.

***

11 April 2015 5:50 PM

I think this is going well. I think. The fact that he did show up and offered to get me my drink should be a good sign right? Looking forward to the rest of the night.

***

11 April 2015 8:33 PM
I told him it was not such a big deal for me, coming out. Maybe for the right person, yes. But not for myself. At length I did tell him that coming out for myself was a bit selfish. It was selfish. I don’t know what that means, really. I was just scared of it.

***

12 April 2015 1:06 AM

Tonight was fine, by no standards at all. We had coffee, dinner, and drinks for the nightcap. From everything that he told me and everything that he had meant to tell me, this was a road to nowhere. Clearly this was not someone who even had an inch of spark with me, in as much as I thought there was. We connected but not in the same level. It was fine I suppose, I had fun, he had fun, and we actually went out. I think that’s the most I could hope for.

I can play this out two ways. First, be his friend. We connected so that should at least be something. One way, yes but still. And then I could just wait it out until he learns to trust me or at least just learn from the whole thing altogether.

Second, I can court him. I say it shouldn’t be that hard as he has already given me most of what I need. I suppose I can plan this out in one for or another, some sort of project. But then I would be faced with the fact that I may simply be not his type at all and get rejected and ruin whatever was started in the first place. That could work against my advantage but undoubtedly I could still learn a thing or two. I don’t know.

I really like this guy. I mean I won’t even do these things if i didn’t. But then I guess part of that challenge is actually not being able to read the person at all. I am sure he has given me hints but what is it that draw me back to him overand over again?

Maybe I’m just happy to be able to spend more time with him. Maybe I just wanted someone to talk to. Maybe it was just me after all who is imagining things.

But what if? 

***

To be continued…

the following

Three most painful words that a millennial can say to another millennial: “You bore me.”

After that, an unlike, or unfriend, seen-zone, unfollow, all of which are pretty much the same thing, must feel like knives stabbing you slowly, right in the chest, with a crooked smiley face. In the same way that real-life relationships spark and eventually crumble, in cyberspace, these things happen in the same speed as uploads and downloads, dictated only by your internet provider’s bandwidth.

In the mature age of social media, it’s not the clicks that count anymore. We have to be more demanding of our audiences, the more demanding of us in terms of things we share and put out online. Likes are the new commodity, follows are just the same.

To be unfollowed by that special restaurant whose food you loved and whose business you supported, to lose the attention of the buff barman who filled your summer holiday with delicious innocent eroticism, to discover a friend would prefer to cleanse his account of your presence rather than share your work and photographs as you did his, well, it is personal.

via A Proustian View on Being Unfollowed — Andrew Reid Wildman, artist, photographer, writer, teacher