on goodness

I’ve been meaning to write but then realized I was better off sleeping after everything that happened at work and at home. The thing is, good intentions are never enough unless you put them into actions. Positive actions at that. What’s the use of intending to do something when nothing actually gets done? 

I was thinking about being good the other day. Not being good at something or at work, but being good, being a good person. This, after a heated somewhat compulsive (?) argument with my father one very very early sleepless morning. I can get very cranky and extremely irritable under certain conditions: lack of sleep, hunger, and lack of clarity or actionable conversations. I was under the influence of aall three factors at the time, so, long story short, I ended up throwing a small transistor radio to the wall. Pretty violent yes, and I admit being very temperamental isn’t exactly something to be proud of. I don’t know where I got this attitude but at the very least I do acknowledge it.

So, being good. I don’t know who said it or it has been said as opposed to have been largely assumed, but being or doing good comes natural to most people. I say most people so you’d hear out the rest of this, just in case you believe that some people are naturally born evil. Actually we are all naturally born good, I think. It may not be something that we eventually sustain through the rest of our lives into adulthood, but as babies and or toddlers we are predisposition to do good.

Babies learn their way around things by mimicking people around then, their parents and guardians. That’s how they pick up what words mean and what certain actions will bring about what certain outcome. At the same time, they learn to respond to how their body works, when they are hungry or need something, their first impulse is to cry, the same thing when they feel any sort of pain or discomfort. Then if one adult picks them up or feeds them, they realize slowly that crying or making any sort of noise will produce a certin outcome (being fed or taken care of) and they learn this over and over again. Where’s the good in that? They think about what is good for themselves. The good of the self comes first.

As we grow older and expand out personal network from family to eventually, friends, lovers, other relationships, we realize that there are other people our world who may or may not have the same good intentions as yourself. You start, and are taught in school, about thinking of other people’s needs and wants (what is good for/to them) and learn to consider those things when thinking about the next step you take or action to do. What will they say when you tell them something? What will you say when they say that back to you. You start from small circles like your playmates and neighbors, then move on to the school where you are even more exposed to society as whole and nature and everyone and everything else apart from yourself. And so you act upon what is good not only for yourself but also for the good of other people. You learn to care for other members of society and eventually develop deeper relationships with other people, that as you learn more about them and what is good for them as their personalities reveal to you, you realize that you are no different from them, that what’s good for you as you see it is also the same thing that they see as good for them or feels good for them, as they see it.

Then when you all realize that your goal is the same ,that goodness you seek, you form bonds to active those goals together. Altogether. It seems like an unselfish act but in truth, all just seek the benefit that they have for themselves deep inside, up to the point that sometimes we even fell good when other people get what feels good to them.

When you trace the goodness that is there in the world, it all boils down to the basic nature of people to seek what is good for them. In a way the pursuit of goodness, what feels good, what looks good and what is good for ourselves is always the same. The real conflict only comes up with the definition of what is good or not good. I wouldn’t say bad because in the same vein, what is bad for some might be good for others and vice versa, depending on what virtues we grow up appreciating, and what experiences we would have as we go through life. It is the definition of such that brings about what is not good in others. 

I guess this is an aside that seeks to rationalize myself as a good person. I am a good person, in general. I think or at least I hope. 

diary ng panget 3

*This is the last part of the series.

***

13 April 2015 9:31 PM

I don’t know what I actually feel about this, but I absolutely cannot get you out of my mind. I took a chance last night and met you again after eleven years. I knew I kind of remembered seeing you before in the office, but then I was not that kind of person yet.

I am not even sure if you’re my type really. I’m not even sure if I do have a type at all. I guess your brain was the biggest draw, and the fact that we at least have one thing in common.

I liked the way you slightly flirted with me, every time we dropped a card. I think it was subtle, and that was what made the biggest impact on me. I am no really sure if you were flirting with me, maybe I just made that up. Your legs brushed up against mine. Those small gestures that met your skin with mine. I’m not sure if I was imagining things. Maybe I was, but it felt good.

I hope I can see you again, I can’t help but think of talking to you again, kissing you again, and maybe something naughty. Yeah, I’d really like to do that with you again. Hopefully not as part of a drunken stupor.

You really seem like a really great guy, darn it people like you still do exist.

I wish I can see you again, talk to you again, just be with you again, and soon. Really soon.

***

02 May 2015 9:50 AM

Open relationship? How can you be in an open relationship if you’re not even in one? Aren’t you supposed to be in a loved relationship first before opening it up?

I guess my real question is with whom? I don’t know. I didn’t ask. I couldn’t ask.

I am severely hoping that it was me. It had to be me. I want it to be me.

I was willing to give it my all as I think I always do. But you were taking one of it.

***

06 May 2015 1:36 AM
And then he said he wanted to talk. Things have been going at a really comfortable pace with the Baker. Our dates have been nothing but nice and sweet. I actually enjoy hanging out with him more than the nagging fear that I he might actually be too good for me and me bad for him. But no matter, this is my time for being open and I love that he respects that.

And then the damaged guy says he wants to talk. I am flabbergasted and appalled. No word from him for a few days and then this. His timing couldn’t be more screwed up.

It’s too early to call what that means or if it even means anything at all. He is what he is and I respect that and I do not need no explanations. It is what it is, however different it may look or may be misconstrued from either side.

*Epilogue:

So that was that. We talked and subconsciously decided that there was nothing there. Nothing for me at least in the way the he wanted me there. It was apparently too good to be true for me, and just so-so for him. I never figured out what it was exactly.

What can I say? The first time I met him, I admit I was smitten. This actually seemed like I guy I would be totally in to, if not relate to, if that was anything to base a future relationship on. Yes, back then, I was so instantly attracted to him, I was imagining us in an actual relationship already. It was bad.

So in the end, that was how falling in love I guess probably felt. Literally falling. Helplessly falling. It would have been the second time I fell in love with someone, though the first with another man. But then on both occasions, things just fizzled out.

That just goes to show that sometimes the really dramatic love stories aren’t really that romantic or full of love afterall. Most of the times it’s just you creating meaning in things that don’t have to mean anything at all. In a way I was glad that I met him and he made me feel like I was in love. Even if it was with the idea of a relationship with him.

He’s happily committed now, it looks like it from his social media posts but then again I can’t really tell. I sent him a message on his birthday and he said thanks. I thought I’d call him out on his new partner, on how he was always a free man who’d never fall in love again, yada, yada, yada, and all that shit, but what’s the point anyway? Good for him he’s happy now just not with me.

And as for me? I’ve never been more lucky and more happy than with my Baker partner right now. He came just at the right moment and it’s been a year since.

diary ng panget

*I stumbled upon a series of scribbles from last year about this guy. It was about a series of dates, maybe just a couple of them, with this guy I re-met via social networking. I say re-met since I do remember him from work before, he was a friend of a friend in the office, though we have never been formally introduced nor have spoken to each other, but we recognized each other’s faces. We went out a couple of times and seemed to hit it off instantly but then, well, things happened.

***

07 April 2015 1:03 AM

I don’t think I am one to obsess but I think I am obsessed a bit.

I want to see him again. Talk to him again. Hold him again. Kiss him again.

I am unsure if he felt any spark like I did. I did. The more I think about it, I did. I am not sure if that is rare but I did.

I don’t think he is my type but why am I still thinking of him? I don’t know.

This is going to distract me more than the usual. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe that’s the last thing I need right now. I need focus in my life. It’s just a matter of what to see my focus on.

I’m not a good online stalker. I can’t even find him on Facebook. And to think we used to work in the same circles. But I have his number. I think. And that should, could be enough.

A decent interested enough reply. In three days. I’ll give it three days. Otherwise then there’s none. I’d accept the fact that I was just imagining that stupid spark. Three days starting tomorrow.

***

09 April 2015 1:08 PM

Is being out or not a deal breaker, I asked him. For some reason I could not hear or remember his exact reply underneath the whispers. Something about going out of coffee, watching a movie, some sort of date. Then walking up to someone in a sun dress, wide-brimmed hat, and sunglasses, which he told me was not something he really did on a regular basis, only for fun or on Halloween. I don’t know what he exactly said. Or I choose to not remember. I was more sober that moment than when I led him up to my room.

***

09 April 2015 5:47 PM

This silence is killing me. I restless and more out of focus than before. I know that I shouldn’t be expecting too much out of it, we’ve actually only got together twice and those were not even actual dates, now that I don’t even actually know what a actual date should look and feel like.

Again, I am just be way too over my head on this. I really like this person even though he’s the least from what I think my type is.

I’ll give it until tonight. If the silence persists then it must be me and my mind fuck overthinking thing again. Times like this I can totally validate how much of a uptight person I really am.

And to think I was already considering coming out for him. But that is for another post. 

***

To be continued…

the following

Three most painful words that a millennial can say to another millennial: “You bore me.”

After that, an unlike, or unfriend, seen-zone, unfollow, all of which are pretty much the same thing, must feel like knives stabbing you slowly, right in the chest, with a crooked smiley face. In the same way that real-life relationships spark and eventually crumble, in cyberspace, these things happen in the same speed as uploads and downloads, dictated only by your internet provider’s bandwidth.

In the mature age of social media, it’s not the clicks that count anymore. We have to be more demanding of our audiences, the more demanding of us in terms of things we share and put out online. Likes are the new commodity, follows are just the same.

To be unfollowed by that special restaurant whose food you loved and whose business you supported, to lose the attention of the buff barman who filled your summer holiday with delicious innocent eroticism, to discover a friend would prefer to cleanse his account of your presence rather than share your work and photographs as you did his, well, it is personal.

via A Proustian View on Being Unfollowed — Andrew Reid Wildman, artist, photographer, writer, teacher