diary ng panget 2

*This is the second part of this series, devoted to talking about that brief encounter I had with this guy a year ago. And some of the pathetic thoughts I scribbled down.

***
10 April 2015 1:24 AM

I am slowly realizing that this whole coming out thing might be a lot harder than what I was thinking. There’s family, friends, coworkers and even older friends and coworkers. That is a lot to take on with just one piece of information.

I could always have a blast and have a big coming out party. But that’s not me. Hell I don’t even know what I am coming out as. Am I gay? Am I bisexuality? Pansexual? Pangender? I don’t know. What would it really mean to come out anyway?

I could count a handful of instances that anyone has ever asked me if I was gay. I think one was when my father asked me in a fit of rage. Another when a close friend and coworker had unintentionally brought it up in a conversation over a few drinks. I can’t explicitly recall any other instance. I guess even then I never really thought to ask. Maybe I was scared of it, that question. Maybe I that was one question that I had asked myself before but never really got an answer for.

I think I’ve got one part of the answer figured out at least: I’m not straight. But it’s always easier to dismiss what you are not than to figure out what you really are.

I’m old. I suppose this information on coming out would be in a way stupid. Should it even really matter? I don’t know. It has never impacted the way I relate to other people before. Maybe if I do come out it will. Maybe it will change me. Maybe it will change me for the better maybe not. I don’t know. I still have to figure this out.

I am thankful that I had met Mark. If not for him bringing it up I would not have put the question on the table for myself. It feels good to know a person that is comfortable with who he is and he’s at the same time not the stereotypical homosexual man, if he even identifies himself as such. I am interested in getting to know him better.

I can only hope he feels the same. In short, I am considering coming out because of him.

***

11 April 2015 5:50 PM

I think this is going well. I think. The fact that he did show up and offered to get me my drink should be a good sign right? Looking forward to the rest of the night.

***

11 April 2015 8:33 PM
I told him it was not such a big deal for me, coming out. Maybe for the right person, yes. But not for myself. At length I did tell him that coming out for myself was a bit selfish. It was selfish. I don’t know what that means, really. I was just scared of it.

***

12 April 2015 1:06 AM

Tonight was fine, by no standards at all. We had coffee, dinner, and drinks for the nightcap. From everything that he told me and everything that he had meant to tell me, this was a road to nowhere. Clearly this was not someone who even had an inch of spark with me, in as much as I thought there was. We connected but not in the same level. It was fine I suppose, I had fun, he had fun, and we actually went out. I think that’s the most I could hope for.

I can play this out two ways. First, be his friend. We connected so that should at least be something. One way, yes but still. And then I could just wait it out until he learns to trust me or at least just learn from the whole thing altogether.

Second, I can court him. I say it shouldn’t be that hard as he has already given me most of what I need. I suppose I can plan this out in one for or another, some sort of project. But then I would be faced with the fact that I may simply be not his type at all and get rejected and ruin whatever was started in the first place. That could work against my advantage but undoubtedly I could still learn a thing or two. I don’t know.

I really like this guy. I mean I won’t even do these things if i didn’t. But then I guess part of that challenge is actually not being able to read the person at all. I am sure he has given me hints but what is it that draw me back to him overand over again?

Maybe I’m just happy to be able to spend more time with him. Maybe I just wanted someone to talk to. Maybe it was just me after all who is imagining things.

But what if? 

***

To be continued…

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diary ng panget

*I stumbled upon a series of scribbles from last year about this guy. It was about a series of dates, maybe just a couple of them, with this guy I re-met via social networking. I say re-met since I do remember him from work before, he was a friend of a friend in the office, though we have never been formally introduced nor have spoken to each other, but we recognized each other’s faces. We went out a couple of times and seemed to hit it off instantly but then, well, things happened.

***

07 April 2015 1:03 AM

I don’t think I am one to obsess but I think I am obsessed a bit.

I want to see him again. Talk to him again. Hold him again. Kiss him again.

I am unsure if he felt any spark like I did. I did. The more I think about it, I did. I am not sure if that is rare but I did.

I don’t think he is my type but why am I still thinking of him? I don’t know.

This is going to distract me more than the usual. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe that’s the last thing I need right now. I need focus in my life. It’s just a matter of what to see my focus on.

I’m not a good online stalker. I can’t even find him on Facebook. And to think we used to work in the same circles. But I have his number. I think. And that should, could be enough.

A decent interested enough reply. In three days. I’ll give it three days. Otherwise then there’s none. I’d accept the fact that I was just imagining that stupid spark. Three days starting tomorrow.

***

09 April 2015 1:08 PM

Is being out or not a deal breaker, I asked him. For some reason I could not hear or remember his exact reply underneath the whispers. Something about going out of coffee, watching a movie, some sort of date. Then walking up to someone in a sun dress, wide-brimmed hat, and sunglasses, which he told me was not something he really did on a regular basis, only for fun or on Halloween. I don’t know what he exactly said. Or I choose to not remember. I was more sober that moment than when I led him up to my room.

***

09 April 2015 5:47 PM

This silence is killing me. I restless and more out of focus than before. I know that I shouldn’t be expecting too much out of it, we’ve actually only got together twice and those were not even actual dates, now that I don’t even actually know what a actual date should look and feel like.

Again, I am just be way too over my head on this. I really like this person even though he’s the least from what I think my type is.

I’ll give it until tonight. If the silence persists then it must be me and my mind fuck overthinking thing again. Times like this I can totally validate how much of a uptight person I really am.

And to think I was already considering coming out for him. But that is for another post. 

***

To be continued…

five for friday

So no actual specific blog prompts today. Today’s Blogging Fundamentals exercise focuses on exploring tags on the Reader section and following five new blogs.

In related news, I gained a new follower today, I guess that could be a good sign. Just being able to sustain this for the past three days is an achievement for me already. A close friend and boss told us once that there’s this thing she read about building habits, that you can cement a habit by doing it consistently for at least 21 days. If you’re able to get past that then the habit would actually stick.Which brings me to smoking, because random. I don’t remember how I developed a habit for smoking, I suppose at one point in time since I started or “learned” how to smoke, which surprisingly unsurprisingly came naturally for me, I smoked more than one pack of cigarettes within a span of three weeks. Very likely I think.

One of the new blogs I discovered and followed listed thirty things to do before turning 30. It was nice list of a variety of stuff, carefully curated I guess to maximize fulfillment, I don’t really know, just came out of me that one. But what if you start something like that when you’re already 60? Sixty items in a year right befor you turn sixty one, that about 5 items off the list in per month, and if the list items are divided equally in terms of duration, you should at least be ticking something off the list or proceeding to the next project five or six days a week roughly. I was thinking it could be manageable, but I guess juggling life and priorities as a sixty-year old man, not to mention trips to the hospital/doctor every so often and just the general slowness of your pace considering any other genetic or pre-existing health conditions, it could be hard to meet the sixty before/at sixty deadline of tasks. But I can’t tell, I’ll hopefully write about that in thirty years time.

I was cleaning up my Evernote notebooks last night and tried to find a way to organize my writing notes moving forward, creating specific notebooks and moving notes from one notebook to another and other tags and all that jazz. I find that I am way better at creating systems for organizing my content or those content that I consume other than actually consuming content or creating. I must be in the wrong career then, but that I already sort of knew and is going to be earmarked for another post.

I was thinking of creating a blog theme specific to the day of the week. I used to have this widget on my phone with a specific blog post topic per day for the whole year and a specific theme per day. All the time I had spent trying to come up with topics that would last me the whole year and trying to write code for the widget was very exciting but at the end of it I had gone tired of the project and stopped. Aaaand I’m trying to do that again, essentially. Hopefully I can continue this over the weekend or at least start over the weekend while the Blogging Fundamentals tasks are only sent weekdays, I think. That will give me enough time to write then. I already have a few posts in mind for each themed day so I just have to write them down. I hope.

See you on the next post and thanks for reading.

icebreaker 007

Who is your best friend?

Right now? My right hand. Hahaha.

I never really had a best friend, on hindsight. I think I always tend to build this wall around me trying to test my friends and acquaintances alike. I mean, it is genuinely hard to be my friend. Not that I deliberately give people around me a hard time becoming genuinely close to me but it is what it is.

I used to say that I would actually require friends who are psychic, if only there were more of them around in the world ever. I am not too big on personal stories or revelations, most people who are somewhat close to me try to figure things out about me from what I do and write, not too much on what I say. I guess that would be another requirement: I would need friends who can and do read. Not that I do a lot of reading or writing myself, but then again, so there.

Do you regret your past?

Which past are we talking about here anyway?

I have done a lot of things in my past that would be regrettable. I have never gone to jail, but I am still young, and I don’t think I will die never going to jail. Jail time is one experience that will never be on my bucket list per se but I think it is written on my destiny.

I always would like to think that things happened for a reason, although for the large part our experiences are all borne out of things that we know and do not know. That is where the regret comes in, in knowing that you would have come to a decision about something without enough knowledge of the consequences or repercussions of your decision or action. And then the desire to change course after the fact. I would like to believe that not knowing is not a method that I would live my life by, in as much as I would like to look at things from all angles and know all known facts first before deciding. Hence avoiding regret.

Otherwise, I might have just been lowering my expectations. Hence, fewer disappointments.

Have you ever been jealous?

My zodiac sign is a Scorpio, so I think according to the stars I am predetermined to be a jealous kind of person, if you believe those things.

Yes, I think I am a jealous bugger sometimes. But I am too a very patient person when it comes to people I have an actual relationship with. I think that comes with age with me. I never had thought of myself as the jealous type before.

But the thing is, I am never one to express or show my jealousy in the first place. I hide in a veneer of indifference when it comes down the wire. I may not show you my jealousy, but sure as hell my indifference would make you feel it. Unless you’re that dense.

What was the last thing you ate?

Jollibee. Oops, not really. That was actually before the Crispy M&Ms.

Do you like to cuddle?

Yes. Cuddling is nice. And spooning too. But for some reason, I never really find sleep in the cuddling or spooning position. That is assuming that those positions are to be followed by sleep in the first place, but yeah, I think that’s just me.

If you could play any musical instrument, what would it be and why? 

Even as a kid, I never found myself drawn to any specific musical instrument. For the most part, any inkling of desire that I might have had before was just wrought out of the fact that being able to play an instrument was cool and would make you more popular and would fit nicely with my supposed ability to carry a tune or skip to a beat. But then again, playing an instrument is not really effective if you never really had the genuine desire for it to learn on your own and worse if you are not actually schooled in doing it.

But, to answer the question, I would still love to have learned how to play the piano or the violin. Something classical I guess. But yeah, loved to have learned; no chance that I’ll be attempting that any time soon.

If you won a million dollars, what would you do with it?

I think I should already be at this age that I should be able to answer this questions with a lot more sense and logic than a five-year old kid. But then again, I wouldn’t know if the answer I give today would have been the same way I would have answered the question way back when I was five.

I would spend half it on buying property. Maybe a couple of condos would do just fine, one for me to live in and one to rent out. I would spend an eighth of it buying electronics stuff I want and go on a wardrobe shopping spree. And then the rest of it would probably go into savings or some sort of business venture. That is, after a trip to Europe.

Jollibee mascot
Jollibee (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

icebreaker 005

Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

I wanted to be a priest. Not in the pedophillic sense of course, but yes, because I was amazed by Theology at one point, and I think I thought that those things would not be dwelled upon in any normal school but instead just if I wanted to study to become a priest.

And I kinda liked the movie The Exorcist.

Ever had plastic surgery?

Nope. I never had the money for it.

But if I ever did have the capacity to get any type of cosmetic or body morphing surgery, I would prefer to be taller by extending my tibia. I here they do that in China.

Do you drink? Smoke? Do drugs? Why, or why not?

I drink. Not a lot. I think I would like to call myself a “social drinker” but yeah, fuck that. I have had a handful of instances where I have been known to be stinking drunk and unruly as such, but then again, since I never have any distinct recollections of such events even happening (or even doing those things that eyewitnesses tell me I did, save for some incriminating pictures allegedly posted somewhere online), I think that is a lie. If I don’t remember it, it simply did not happen.

I smoke. About a half pack or so a day they say it’s too much, but then again I am already smoking, that alone is already technically wrong, or so doctors always tell you even if they do too.

I do drugs. Yes. occasionally on occasion. I never do drugs alone and I have always stuck to the herbal kind. I do drugs when I am sick too, or else how do I manage to get well? You just can’t concentrate away the flu, you know.

What gets you out of bed in the morning?

My two legs and a barely audible alarm from my phone.

For some time, I had my body clock working for me, but some few years back I lost control of it altogether. Must be the transition from one shift to another at work until I have literally gone through all available shifts, or maybe just because I still feel that sleep is a good waste of anyone’s time and should only be taken by the minimum effective dose which is about four or so hours for me (based on experience, no scientific proof).

Would you ever use an online dating service?

I have. And yes, sometimes it works, but not for me.

So there.

大法師 The Exorcist