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Been on a boat?

I have read my horoscope in the past indicating that technically I was born under a water sign. Not sure if that was my Chinese horoscope or if it was my Western horoscope though. But as much as I extremely enjoy a lazy day at the beach as much as the next guy, I am not too much a fan of boats. I don’t really get seasick, but the truth is I can’t swim. And the prospect of sitting in a small boat in the middle of the ocean scares the bejeezus out of me most of the time. Not that don’t ride boats but I’d rather take the road than the open sea any day.

What’s your plan for the day?

I am writing this on a Sunday. Nothing much planned for today really, I hope I did have things lined up. I haven’t been to the gym for a long time now, I feel my body actually weakening. In some ways I miss the peace that working out and sweating brings me, and the endorphins. Of course those were mostly things I was able to do when I was still single, I miss them the most. Sleeping all day and waking up to go to the gym and then go shopping. I have always been independent and able to do most things alone, but now, for some reason, I can’t, and I don’t know why exactly. There’s a mega sale at some local nearby mall, if indeed I get the time to get out for today, maybe do some early Christmas shopping and look for standard common gifts to give away to colleagues and old friends. We’ll see.

*Well, this post was started on a Sunday, and, in between events that we can call life, and then some that felt like death, was finished on a Wednesday, a few weeks later. Apologies. if it kinda reads disjointed.

Are you stubborn?

Yes, very much.

Ever cried because you were so happy?

I think it’s sad that I don’t remember any single instance when I cried because of happiness. I did tear up on some movies I have seen, laughed out loud to a couple of tears one time or so, does that count? But not just plain cried because of sheer happiness, no. I suppose that would be a really nice feeling. I wouldn’t know.

Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike.

I am short, sometimes it gets to me that I am and I severely wish I could be at least a couple of inches taller. I stand 5’6” right now, maybe give or take a quarter of an inch. I mean, I know guys who are shorter, but still being below average height is something that I am quite insecure of. Over the course of living in this physical body, I have grown to love my sharp huge jaw and my average penis, but as long as there are home TV shopping ads for height enhancers which give me some semblance of fake hope that I can still grow taller at my age, then I’ll just have to keep hoping.

I have grown to like I think my chest. I don’t have a particularly big chest but I think mine is proportional to my body. And it does help me hide my flabby tummy once in a while by diverting attention up my torso instead of down, so that’s a plus. I’m clearly not too good at doing this so I guess I could stop at any point now.

If you go back to one point in time to give advice to yourself, when would you go and what would you say?

I’d go back to about 10 years ago maybe, I can’t know for sure now, when I started fucking/sleeping around. I’d tell my young stupid self not to fuck/sleep around. That sounds like good advice.

Predict what your life will look like a year from now.

Realistically, not much change from now. Of course who wouldn’t hope of starting a new and better life, preferably living independently, some nice pad close to work, the mall, and the gym (that IS possible) and getting to travel and eat great food and stuff. But maybe a year from now? I’d still be at the same place.

Would you prefer to live? A city? The suburbs? The countryside? The mountains?

The best answer would be in a city near the beach. I wonder why the beach was not one of the original choices, but anyway, yeah. I would love to have the comfort of being able to head to the beach whenever I want to, but then again head out to the nearest club for a great night out. Plus, if in case I end up having a bad night or otherwise, maybe a few too many happy drinks, I could easily run off to the beach to find peace from the stress of the city or puke myself to death on the shore right before skinny dipping into the wee hours of the morning.

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Who are the people who lift you up?

I don’t know if I need lifting. Most of the time I just lift myself up when I’m down. Of course I have my close friends, less than a handful of them really to depend on when times get tough, but only when they get really really tough.

Other people would probably say their family, apart from their friends. But I fear I don’t feel the same way. I don’t think anyone in my family feels the same way. And I know it’s kind of sad and odd at the same time. But, yeah.

Are you willing to release him/her from your anger and forgive him/her?

How long can anyone really be or stay mad at someone? How long can you actually physically and mentally (psychologically) sutain anger? Against anyone or anything in particular?

Ok, that doesn’t really answer the question. I may eat my words in the near, or hopefully far future or maybe not, but I won’t and can’t forgive him. He is ill, I know, but I wouldn’t even give him the satisfaction of my pity or forgiveness. Half of his illness is his fault, though there is no known cause of Parkinson’s disease bu the way he managed it was absolutely irresponsible even for someone who was ill.

I still know that at the back of my mind I hope to forgive him but I don’t see any good reason for that right now.

How do you feel about a vacation?

That sounds quite nice about now. Right now. This very second.

But truth is I am saving up my vacation days for my mandatory leave in two months. By then, I wish two weeks off work and out of the house would get me back into whatever groove I wish I could say I had before, or maybe get me out of this deep, deep puddle of a rut my stressful life is in. A good case of ice-cold beer is required of course.

Do you worry about being taken for granted?

In all essence, no. Is that really a bad thing? I’ve been really independent for most my life, and I don’t really like unwarranted attention that much from anyone so I guess that makes me like a plant.

How do you feel about when you judge yourself inadequate, guilty, or unlovable?

When did I ever? When did I ever not? And how does that feel? Pretty normal. Everyone has their own insecurities in their lives, I guess I’m not so different, I hope.

How do you feel about when your criticized or made fun of in public?

“Fuck it, let’s do this.”

I don’t think I’ve ever been put in that kind of situation before, to have myself publicly criticized or made fun of. Or maybe not, I have been performing with the company’s choir for the past three years already so I am not a stranger to putting on a show in public. And I have been made to sing in a couple of public venues as well as play host to one of my friend’s weddings, so yeah I have had my share of the limelight so to speak.

But I’ve never thought of those instances as a chance to publicly ridicule myself or expose any of my weaknesses. I think of it as a challenge of how much courage or guts I have, or maybe a test of how much of my own ego I can stand. In Filipino, papangatawanan ko na lang.

How do you feel about parades?

Parades are fun, unless you’re in it, except when it’s thrown in your honor, I guess.

I remember watching the Rose Bowl Parade on TV when I was a kid. I wondered how much fun it would be to work on those gigantic floats and how thrilling it would be to see them coming down the street in person.

In highschool, I worked with my fellow scouts as representatives for our school in the annual city parade, that was hell and half. It was nice at the start, but when midday comes and the heat and hunger is getting to you, you can barely muster a smile anymore and just would wish death or the parade to be over. Ahh, the scouting days.

In college, we used to anticipate watching the annual lantern parade in the university right around Christmas break. I worked with the council then too, so we had more time to spend on helping out with organizing the college “float” during my final year on college. It was better since the parade was done at night, and you could enjoy the lights on the parade partcicpants just sitting on the sidelines, or get a tour of the whole university all lit up for the Holiday season by walking with the parade.

Who controls the mood in your house? The conversation? The bed?

The bed… and the idiot box.

What is your favorite fruit?

Tomatoes.

I Second That Emotion

But a true narcissist would have to reveal his intentions to further his goal, afterall, the self is the goal.

Knowing the Narcissist

Image result for mimicry emotion

 

The emotional spectrum afforded to my kind is limited. The bulk of the positive emotions that you experience have either been stripped away or moulded into one all-pervasive sensation and that is of power. Whereas you might experience joy, elation, happiness and delight, we feel power. That surging sensation which courses through us as a consequence of the receipt of fuel, be it positive or negative. Secure a promotion? I feel powerful. My football team wins? I feel powerful. I seduce a new victim? I feel powerful. I experience amusement, indeed, I have an excellent sense of humour but if I make you laugh through my sense of humour I feel a sense of power once again.

I do not feel sadness. I have, for the sake of gathering fuel, sat through numerous films which are described as tear-jerkers and entertained myself as I have alternated between watching the…

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Name all the vehicles you have owned in your adult life.

I know this might come as a surprise to most, but I don’t drive. I’m a grown-ass man who needs to be chauffeured around. The closest I got to actually driving was a week of dirivng school and an expired student permit, which I got waaay after I was no longer a student, of school or of driving.

I did some driving for my ex-girlfriend before, which was funny, for her, but was gut-wrenching for me, as she stayed past one of the busiest and deadliest highways in the city, just a few minutes from the university. I can’t say I didn’t like driving, but I was not too much into it. Imoney didn’t have my own car, and the places I worked in, parking was always either a hassle, or as rare as a Pikachu in a mall. Add gass prices, maintenance, and traffic, God have mercy, the traffic, it’s pretty discouraging for me.

But hey, I don’t know. Maybe in the future, when someone finally figures out how to ease the traffic in the metro, or companies invest in more parking spaces or company car loans, or if one day everybody suddenly wakes up with that intense sense of discipline on the streets, then maybe I’d drive.

Where were you when you had your first kiss?

I don’t remember. I guess on one hand, I didn’t really start dating until around middle of college, and breezed through a lot of one-night stands, random encounters, and weird relationships, that everything seemed like a blur until the recent ones, around a few years back. Anything before that, it’s all a haze.

Would you ever loan a significant amount of money to a friend/relative ? Why or why not?

I do and I have. I am not rich, but I say I count myself as lucky as I never had to depend on other people for my finances, ever since I started working, which is quite early, given that I didn’t finish school. So take giving out loans to close friends and close family as okay, fotrunately, I never really had anyone fail to pay me back yet.

How would I describe you to a blind person?

Normal.

Describe your hero.

He would be the embodiment of myself, minus all the traits I hate about my self, plus all the characteristics I would want to have. My hero is an illusion of myself, yes, but still as aspirational, no?

How do you feel about being a step-parent?

It would be really hard. For me at least. I am not good with kids, and neither are kids good with me. I couldn’t even be good with other people who are not kids anymore, what more if those kids were not mine? It will be challenging for me, definitely.

I think I treat kids the same way I wished I was treated as a kid: like an adult.

What do you like best about your family?

What is there to like? I did not grow up in a dysfunctional family, at least I don’t think we were dysfunctional when I was growing up, but then again I didn’t know that that was even a thing yet. But in hindsight, yeah, no.

But neither was my family, ideal, like a really tight knit, jokingly sweet, huggy kind of family. I don’t think we were even normal. We were more civil than loving, which kinda sucks. I used to and still envy my friends and colleagues who have more ideal family types which they have sustained until today. Ours? Not so much. I think we’ve grown to be that dysfunctional family we never thought we could be. This is depressing just trying to think of talking about it.

How do you feel about the politically correct rules of not calling Christmas occasions Christmas occasions, but holiday parties, etc?

Those rules are a bit stupid.