diary ng panget 3

*This is the last part of the series.

***

13 April 2015 9:31 PM

I don’t know what I actually feel about this, but I absolutely cannot get you out of my mind. I took a chance last night and met you again after eleven years. I knew I kind of remembered seeing you before in the office, but then I was not that kind of person yet.

I am not even sure if you’re my type really. I’m not even sure if I do have a type at all. I guess your brain was the biggest draw, and the fact that we at least have one thing in common.

I liked the way you slightly flirted with me, every time we dropped a card. I think it was subtle, and that was what made the biggest impact on me. I am no really sure if you were flirting with me, maybe I just made that up. Your legs brushed up against mine. Those small gestures that met your skin with mine. I’m not sure if I was imagining things. Maybe I was, but it felt good.

I hope I can see you again, I can’t help but think of talking to you again, kissing you again, and maybe something naughty. Yeah, I’d really like to do that with you again. Hopefully not as part of a drunken stupor.

You really seem like a really great guy, darn it people like you still do exist.

I wish I can see you again, talk to you again, just be with you again, and soon. Really soon.

***

02 May 2015 9:50 AM

Open relationship? How can you be in an open relationship if you’re not even in one? Aren’t you supposed to be in a loved relationship first before opening it up?

I guess my real question is with whom? I don’t know. I didn’t ask. I couldn’t ask.

I am severely hoping that it was me. It had to be me. I want it to be me.

I was willing to give it my all as I think I always do. But you were taking one of it.

***

06 May 2015 1:36 AM
And then he said he wanted to talk. Things have been going at a really comfortable pace with the Baker. Our dates have been nothing but nice and sweet. I actually enjoy hanging out with him more than the nagging fear that I he might actually be too good for me and me bad for him. But no matter, this is my time for being open and I love that he respects that.

And then the damaged guy says he wants to talk. I am flabbergasted and appalled. No word from him for a few days and then this. His timing couldn’t be more screwed up.

It’s too early to call what that means or if it even means anything at all. He is what he is and I respect that and I do not need no explanations. It is what it is, however different it may look or may be misconstrued from either side.

*Epilogue:

So that was that. We talked and subconsciously decided that there was nothing there. Nothing for me at least in the way the he wanted me there. It was apparently too good to be true for me, and just so-so for him. I never figured out what it was exactly.

What can I say? The first time I met him, I admit I was smitten. This actually seemed like I guy I would be totally in to, if not relate to, if that was anything to base a future relationship on. Yes, back then, I was so instantly attracted to him, I was imagining us in an actual relationship already. It was bad.

So in the end, that was how falling in love I guess probably felt. Literally falling. Helplessly falling. It would have been the second time I fell in love with someone, though the first with another man. But then on both occasions, things just fizzled out.

That just goes to show that sometimes the really dramatic love stories aren’t really that romantic or full of love afterall. Most of the times it’s just you creating meaning in things that don’t have to mean anything at all. In a way I was glad that I met him and he made me feel like I was in love. Even if it was with the idea of a relationship with him.

He’s happily committed now, it looks like it from his social media posts but then again I can’t really tell. I sent him a message on his birthday and he said thanks. I thought I’d call him out on his new partner, on how he was always a free man who’d never fall in love again, yada, yada, yada, and all that shit, but what’s the point anyway? Good for him he’s happy now just not with me.

And as for me? I’ve never been more lucky and more happy than with my Baker partner right now. He came just at the right moment and it’s been a year since.

the following

Three most painful words that a millennial can say to another millennial: “You bore me.”

After that, an unlike, or unfriend, seen-zone, unfollow, all of which are pretty much the same thing, must feel like knives stabbing you slowly, right in the chest, with a crooked smiley face. In the same way that real-life relationships spark and eventually crumble, in cyberspace, these things happen in the same speed as uploads and downloads, dictated only by your internet provider’s bandwidth.

In the mature age of social media, it’s not the clicks that count anymore. We have to be more demanding of our audiences, the more demanding of us in terms of things we share and put out online. Likes are the new commodity, follows are just the same.

To be unfollowed by that special restaurant whose food you loved and whose business you supported, to lose the attention of the buff barman who filled your summer holiday with delicious innocent eroticism, to discover a friend would prefer to cleanse his account of your presence rather than share your work and photographs as you did his, well, it is personal.

via A Proustian View on Being Unfollowed — Andrew Reid Wildman, artist, photographer, writer, teacher