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If you could meet anyone from the Bible who would it be and what would you ask them? (Besides Jesus)

I don’t remember much of my Bible stories anymore, even though I was schooled in an all-boys Catholic school for a couple of years when I was young, so I don’t really know much of the Bible characters like the Flanders kids do. But I think it would be interesting to know and talk to Lazarus. He was raised by Jesus from the dead and I would definitely ask him how it was like to be dead for, what, a couple of days? 

If you were on death row, what would your last meal be?

Easy: Leche flan. To. Die. For. 

On Saturdays, I like to…

Wish the weekend never ends. 

Who was your first love? What age, grade, etc.

This is a juvenile question. I still haven’t gotten around to editing most of this stuff so my apologies.

I think it’s a bit weird that I never grew up being really interested in people in the most genuine sense. I’m not a people person at all. I am amazed how some people become really interested in other people, talking to them again going through great lengths to get to know them, so I am easily swayed when people are interested in me. I don’t find myself interesting at all, and I feel the same way about most people I know, in general.

I am more interested in things, ideas, but yeah, I would shamelessly admit, things. Materialistic much. 

What is your favorite video game?

I remember playing games when I was young but I was never really good at any of it. I really liked playing the old style Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat games then, athough I never really was a Mario Brothers fan.

If you were the eighth dwarf, what would your name be?

Lazy.

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How do you look right now?

I look like crap. Even worse with flash photography, unfortunately. I’d look like a pale-faced clown with flash.

It’s 2 in the morning and you get a text message, who is it most likely from?

It’s going to be from my mom, telling me to get home since something had happened to her or my dad.

What are you most talented at?

Most talented at… hmm. I don’t think I have any specific stand-out talent. I guess I know how to do a lot of things. I know how to do a lot of things in a more than mediocre way. Not entirely stellar or great but just slightly better enough to be un-mediocre. Could that be considered a talent?

What is your worst nightmare today?

I had a vague dream last night of my father at the brink of death, and some lawyer coughs up some sort of final will that was read out to us. The family ends up divvying up the remaining possessions and most of it end up to an unknown charity. And a few of us receive keepsakes from my father. Apparently, I get all of the photographs he ever took in his career. I’m not really sure how that is actually a nightmare or how it is the worst, but i guess it’s just that it’s recent and I think it is really sad.

What was your favorite TV show when you were growing up?

I watched a ton of TV when growing up, I guess that’s what my generation mostly has in common. As a kid though, I got into arts and crafts and I remember loving to watch this livelihood TV show which featured different livelihood craft projects. I think I did attempt to make some of them, failing miserably, but then I never really had a knack for business anyway.

What is your concept of a fruitful day?

Getting errands and chores done, hitting the gym, writing and reading. Sounds like a tall order, but yeah. I have high demands of myself sometimes. But most of the time I just end up doing one or two of them things and wallow in self-disappointment.

What did you like best about your hometown?

I really don’t know. I don’t know if I like anything about it specifically, I know only a few things that are being done here what isn’t done anywhere else. Well, not really, I don’t know anything at all unique about my hometown. I guess it’s always been there, unintrusive and unimpactful at the same time.

throwback thursday: sa hindi maipaliwanag

I don’t know when I wrote this. But it’s one of them notebooks. This is in Filipino, though I am not sure how well this would translate.

Nandun ako. Hindi nga. Nandun ako. Alam ko kasi nandun ako. Nakita ko kasi nandun ako. Narinig ko kasi nandun ako. Naramdaman ko kasi nandun ako. Hindi ako nagbibiro. Sa maniwala ka man o hindi, totoo ang lahat ng sinasabi ko. Nandun ako.

Hindi rin ako makapaniwala sa simula. Hindi ko inaasahang makakarating ako doon sa ganoong oras. Sabi ko nun sa sarili ko, parang may mali, parang hindi ako. Hindi ako yung pupunta doon para sa wala lang. Hindi ako yung maliligaw sa ganoong lugar, dahil hindi ako marunong maligaw. Hindi ako naligaw. Hindi rin ako dumarating ng wala sa oras. Pero iba noon. Hindi ako maaga. Kailan ba naman ako naging maaga? Pero hindi rin ako nahuli. Ang pinagtatakhan ko ay dumating ako sa oras. Sa eksaktong saglit na nangyari ang lahat. Nandun ako ng eksaktong sandali. Nandun ako sa eksaktong lugar. Alam ko. Nandun ako. Pero parang hindi ako ang akong nandun.

Nandun ako. Nandun ako nang nagyari ang lahat ng nangyari. Nandun din sila. Parang pinagtagpo ng tadhana ang lahat at nagkakawing-kawing ang aming mga landas. Kakampi namin ang oras at ang panahon, marahil, dahil sa pagkakasalabit ng aming mga landas ay nandun kami para saksihan ang pagsiwalat ng mga pangyayari para sa bawat isa sa amin. Lahat kami ay naging saksi sa lahat ng pagkakaton. Sa sandaling iyon, lahat kami ay napag-isa sa pitik ng segundo sa gulong ng oras. Ang mga katawan nami’y nanuldok sa gitna ng teon ng kalawakan at kawalan. Marami kami sa tuldok na iyon, marami kami sa pagpatak ng sandali. Kasama ako dun. Sa tuldok. Sa sandali. Naging malinaw ang lahat sa pagkurap ng aming mga mata at paglundag ng aming mga puso. nandun kami. Nandun sila. Nandun ako. Nasaan ka?

Ang galing. Ni hindi ko yata naisip kung bakit o paano ako napunta doon . Sa isang iglap, alam ko na ang lahat, sa susunod, muli ko na itong naitatanong sa iyo. Kakaiba talaga. Ni mga sandali o mga pangyayaribago o matapo ang lahat, kaunti na lang ang naaalala ko. Baka hindi ko na rin nais pang alalahanin, o hindi ko na kaya pa. Sinsasabi na ng utak ng tao ay may kakayahang makaalala nang higit pa sa napapangarap ng tao. Na maliit lang na bahagi nito ang ginagamit natin. Alam ko. Pero nung mga sandaling iyon, para ring sandaling pinatay ang aking isip. Sandali kong hindi kinailangang magisip, o maghukay ng mga sagot sa baul ng aking ala-ala. Nangyari ang lahat ng wala akong kontorl; parang awtomatik ang lahat. Nang balikan ko ang aking isipan, naglaho ang mga tanong. Narito na ang lahat, sabi ko noon. Nandun na ako. Ano pa ang kulang? Wala. Alam mo ba yun? Naiintindihan mo ba? Di ba? O baka naman hindi mo maisip kasi wala ka doon. Ako, nandun.

Aalis ka na ba? Buti na lang. Samahan mo na lang ako. Kailangan ko ang talagang sabihin ito sa iyo para namana mainitindihan mo ako. Alam ko parang magulo sa simula pero maya-maya lang ay makikita mo rin. Sasabihin ko sa iyo ang lahat. Buti naman.

Nasaan na ba ako? A, oo.

Nandun ako. Sila rin. Ngunit may ilan pa ring nandun. Ang ilan ay nagtangka na ring umalis dahil hindi nila makita ang kabuuan ng mga nangyayari. Hindi na kinaya ng kanilang isip ang lahat, ikintaka na nila ang malaking bahagi ng kanilang paniniwala. Pakiramdam siguro nila ay isang malaking biro ang lahat. Pero hindi. Totoo. Walang aksidente sa pagkakatayo nila doon dahil kabilang sila sa lahat. Nangyari ang lahat ng nangyari dahil nagtaka sila sa mga bagay na hindi nila nakikita, kaya lumayo na lang sila at ibinaling ang paningin sa iba. Nabulagan sila ng tabing nang tuluyan at hindi nila nalaman ang mga sagot na bigla na lamang nandun. Sayang, hindi nila naramdaman na maging ang kanilang dilim ay kabilang sa tumuldok sa kalawakan, sa pumitik na sandali. Sabi ko sa iyo, sa ilang napagpapakitaan ng liwanang, marami pa rin ang pilit na pipikit at dadaing sa silaw.

Ang ingay naman. Noon, sabi ko. Ang ingay nung nandun ako. Marami kang naririnig, maririnig. Ngunit ang hirap humanap ng pakikinggan. Hindi ko maintindihan kung ingay lang iyon dahil sa nangyari, o kung lahat sila ay nagsasalita. Tama. Lahat nga sila nagsasalita. Sabi ng iba nalalaman na nila ang lahat. Naiintindihan nila ang nangyayari. Daw. Yun ang sinsasabi nila. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kailangan pa nila sabihin kung ano ang nagaganap e nandun na nga sila? Parang ikinukuwento lang nila ulit kung ano na yung naririnig ng pinagkukuwentuhan nila. Yung iba naman tanong nang tanong. Makulit naman sila. Hindi ba nila naririnig ang nangyayari? Parang nandun nga sila pero wala sila dun. Nakakarinidi ang ingay. Doon, sabi ko. Dagdag pa rin ang ilan na nagsasabi ng mga nangyayari pero sa totoo, sinsasabi lang nila ang gusto nilang mangyari. Ang masama pa nito, sumisigaw sila. Parang sumiigaw sila ng kanilang mga utos sa kanilang lipon ng mga bingi. Parang wala dun ang kausap. Parang wala silang mga sumisigaw dun pero nandun sila. Narinig ko ang lahat. Nandun ako. Ang hirap palang pilitin na walang pakinggan kung hindi mo maiwasan ang makarinig o makapakinig. Nakikinig ka pa ba?

Ang sabi ko, kung nakikinig ka pa ba sa mga sinasabi ko? Buti kung ganoon. Akala ko nabibingi ka na rin.

Naramdaman mo ba yun? Parang may malamig na hanging dumaan. Nagyun-ngayon lang. Sabi nila, ibig sabihin daw nun e may kasama tayo. Huwag kang matakot. Kakampi natin sila. Sana.

Nagulat din ako. Oo. Medyo. Konti. Kung sa bagay, parang kinutuban na rin ako. Hindi masamang kutob o mabuting kutob na parang swerte. Hindi ganoon. Wala. Kutob lang. Na may mangyayari. Hindi naman talaga natin masasabi kung mabuti o masama ang nangyari, di ba?

diary ng panget 3

*This is the last part of the series.

***

13 April 2015 9:31 PM

I don’t know what I actually feel about this, but I absolutely cannot get you out of my mind. I took a chance last night and met you again after eleven years. I knew I kind of remembered seeing you before in the office, but then I was not that kind of person yet.

I am not even sure if you’re my type really. I’m not even sure if I do have a type at all. I guess your brain was the biggest draw, and the fact that we at least have one thing in common.

I liked the way you slightly flirted with me, every time we dropped a card. I think it was subtle, and that was what made the biggest impact on me. I am no really sure if you were flirting with me, maybe I just made that up. Your legs brushed up against mine. Those small gestures that met your skin with mine. I’m not sure if I was imagining things. Maybe I was, but it felt good.

I hope I can see you again, I can’t help but think of talking to you again, kissing you again, and maybe something naughty. Yeah, I’d really like to do that with you again. Hopefully not as part of a drunken stupor.

You really seem like a really great guy, darn it people like you still do exist.

I wish I can see you again, talk to you again, just be with you again, and soon. Really soon.

***

02 May 2015 9:50 AM

Open relationship? How can you be in an open relationship if you’re not even in one? Aren’t you supposed to be in a loved relationship first before opening it up?

I guess my real question is with whom? I don’t know. I didn’t ask. I couldn’t ask.

I am severely hoping that it was me. It had to be me. I want it to be me.

I was willing to give it my all as I think I always do. But you were taking one of it.

***

06 May 2015 1:36 AM
And then he said he wanted to talk. Things have been going at a really comfortable pace with the Baker. Our dates have been nothing but nice and sweet. I actually enjoy hanging out with him more than the nagging fear that I he might actually be too good for me and me bad for him. But no matter, this is my time for being open and I love that he respects that.

And then the damaged guy says he wants to talk. I am flabbergasted and appalled. No word from him for a few days and then this. His timing couldn’t be more screwed up.

It’s too early to call what that means or if it even means anything at all. He is what he is and I respect that and I do not need no explanations. It is what it is, however different it may look or may be misconstrued from either side.

*Epilogue:

So that was that. We talked and subconsciously decided that there was nothing there. Nothing for me at least in the way the he wanted me there. It was apparently too good to be true for me, and just so-so for him. I never figured out what it was exactly.

What can I say? The first time I met him, I admit I was smitten. This actually seemed like I guy I would be totally in to, if not relate to, if that was anything to base a future relationship on. Yes, back then, I was so instantly attracted to him, I was imagining us in an actual relationship already. It was bad.

So in the end, that was how falling in love I guess probably felt. Literally falling. Helplessly falling. It would have been the second time I fell in love with someone, though the first with another man. But then on both occasions, things just fizzled out.

That just goes to show that sometimes the really dramatic love stories aren’t really that romantic or full of love afterall. Most of the times it’s just you creating meaning in things that don’t have to mean anything at all. In a way I was glad that I met him and he made me feel like I was in love. Even if it was with the idea of a relationship with him.

He’s happily committed now, it looks like it from his social media posts but then again I can’t really tell. I sent him a message on his birthday and he said thanks. I thought I’d call him out on his new partner, on how he was always a free man who’d never fall in love again, yada, yada, yada, and all that shit, but what’s the point anyway? Good for him he’s happy now just not with me.

And as for me? I’ve never been more lucky and more happy than with my Baker partner right now. He came just at the right moment and it’s been a year since.

diary ng panget 2

*This is the second part of this series, devoted to talking about that brief encounter I had with this guy a year ago. And some of the pathetic thoughts I scribbled down.

***
10 April 2015 1:24 AM

I am slowly realizing that this whole coming out thing might be a lot harder than what I was thinking. There’s family, friends, coworkers and even older friends and coworkers. That is a lot to take on with just one piece of information.

I could always have a blast and have a big coming out party. But that’s not me. Hell I don’t even know what I am coming out as. Am I gay? Am I bisexuality? Pansexual? Pangender? I don’t know. What would it really mean to come out anyway?

I could count a handful of instances that anyone has ever asked me if I was gay. I think one was when my father asked me in a fit of rage. Another when a close friend and coworker had unintentionally brought it up in a conversation over a few drinks. I can’t explicitly recall any other instance. I guess even then I never really thought to ask. Maybe I was scared of it, that question. Maybe I that was one question that I had asked myself before but never really got an answer for.

I think I’ve got one part of the answer figured out at least: I’m not straight. But it’s always easier to dismiss what you are not than to figure out what you really are.

I’m old. I suppose this information on coming out would be in a way stupid. Should it even really matter? I don’t know. It has never impacted the way I relate to other people before. Maybe if I do come out it will. Maybe it will change me. Maybe it will change me for the better maybe not. I don’t know. I still have to figure this out.

I am thankful that I had met Mark. If not for him bringing it up I would not have put the question on the table for myself. It feels good to know a person that is comfortable with who he is and he’s at the same time not the stereotypical homosexual man, if he even identifies himself as such. I am interested in getting to know him better.

I can only hope he feels the same. In short, I am considering coming out because of him.

***

11 April 2015 5:50 PM

I think this is going well. I think. The fact that he did show up and offered to get me my drink should be a good sign right? Looking forward to the rest of the night.

***

11 April 2015 8:33 PM
I told him it was not such a big deal for me, coming out. Maybe for the right person, yes. But not for myself. At length I did tell him that coming out for myself was a bit selfish. It was selfish. I don’t know what that means, really. I was just scared of it.

***

12 April 2015 1:06 AM

Tonight was fine, by no standards at all. We had coffee, dinner, and drinks for the nightcap. From everything that he told me and everything that he had meant to tell me, this was a road to nowhere. Clearly this was not someone who even had an inch of spark with me, in as much as I thought there was. We connected but not in the same level. It was fine I suppose, I had fun, he had fun, and we actually went out. I think that’s the most I could hope for.

I can play this out two ways. First, be his friend. We connected so that should at least be something. One way, yes but still. And then I could just wait it out until he learns to trust me or at least just learn from the whole thing altogether.

Second, I can court him. I say it shouldn’t be that hard as he has already given me most of what I need. I suppose I can plan this out in one for or another, some sort of project. But then I would be faced with the fact that I may simply be not his type at all and get rejected and ruin whatever was started in the first place. That could work against my advantage but undoubtedly I could still learn a thing or two. I don’t know.

I really like this guy. I mean I won’t even do these things if i didn’t. But then I guess part of that challenge is actually not being able to read the person at all. I am sure he has given me hints but what is it that draw me back to him overand over again?

Maybe I’m just happy to be able to spend more time with him. Maybe I just wanted someone to talk to. Maybe it was just me after all who is imagining things.

But what if? 

***

To be continued…