diary ng panget 2

*This is the second part of this series, devoted to talking about that brief encounter I had with this guy a year ago. And some of the pathetic thoughts I scribbled down.

***
10 April 2015 1:24 AM

I am slowly realizing that this whole coming out thing might be a lot harder than what I was thinking. There’s family, friends, coworkers and even older friends and coworkers. That is a lot to take on with just one piece of information.

I could always have a blast and have a big coming out party. But that’s not me. Hell I don’t even know what I am coming out as. Am I gay? Am I bisexuality? Pansexual? Pangender? I don’t know. What would it really mean to come out anyway?

I could count a handful of instances that anyone has ever asked me if I was gay. I think one was when my father asked me in a fit of rage. Another when a close friend and coworker had unintentionally brought it up in a conversation over a few drinks. I can’t explicitly recall any other instance. I guess even then I never really thought to ask. Maybe I was scared of it, that question. Maybe I that was one question that I had asked myself before but never really got an answer for.

I think I’ve got one part of the answer figured out at least: I’m not straight. But it’s always easier to dismiss what you are not than to figure out what you really are.

I’m old. I suppose this information on coming out would be in a way stupid. Should it even really matter? I don’t know. It has never impacted the way I relate to other people before. Maybe if I do come out it will. Maybe it will change me. Maybe it will change me for the better maybe not. I don’t know. I still have to figure this out.

I am thankful that I had met Mark. If not for him bringing it up I would not have put the question on the table for myself. It feels good to know a person that is comfortable with who he is and he’s at the same time not the stereotypical homosexual man, if he even identifies himself as such. I am interested in getting to know him better.

I can only hope he feels the same. In short, I am considering coming out because of him.

***

11 April 2015 5:50 PM

I think this is going well. I think. The fact that he did show up and offered to get me my drink should be a good sign right? Looking forward to the rest of the night.

***

11 April 2015 8:33 PM
I told him it was not such a big deal for me, coming out. Maybe for the right person, yes. But not for myself. At length I did tell him that coming out for myself was a bit selfish. It was selfish. I don’t know what that means, really. I was just scared of it.

***

12 April 2015 1:06 AM

Tonight was fine, by no standards at all. We had coffee, dinner, and drinks for the nightcap. From everything that he told me and everything that he had meant to tell me, this was a road to nowhere. Clearly this was not someone who even had an inch of spark with me, in as much as I thought there was. We connected but not in the same level. It was fine I suppose, I had fun, he had fun, and we actually went out. I think that’s the most I could hope for.

I can play this out two ways. First, be his friend. We connected so that should at least be something. One way, yes but still. And then I could just wait it out until he learns to trust me or at least just learn from the whole thing altogether.

Second, I can court him. I say it shouldn’t be that hard as he has already given me most of what I need. I suppose I can plan this out in one for or another, some sort of project. But then I would be faced with the fact that I may simply be not his type at all and get rejected and ruin whatever was started in the first place. That could work against my advantage but undoubtedly I could still learn a thing or two. I don’t know.

I really like this guy. I mean I won’t even do these things if i didn’t. But then I guess part of that challenge is actually not being able to read the person at all. I am sure he has given me hints but what is it that draw me back to him overand over again?

Maybe I’m just happy to be able to spend more time with him. Maybe I just wanted someone to talk to. Maybe it was just me after all who is imagining things.

But what if? 

***

To be continued…

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