who are you and why are you here

So we continue on to the weekend after all? Oh well.

I admit I was a bit lazy yesterday. My partner and I went his cousin’s grandmother’s wake and then caught a late night movie afterwards. Not much writing done for a weekend, oddly enough, so I’m trying to catch up, just to make sure that I can get a post in daily.

Back to today’s (yesterday’s) assignment: my audience. I initially started this blog just because. I wasn’t looking forward to get read by anyone specific, my friends maybe, because I was severely under the impression that I was (still am) a very private person, and that this was a way for me to let my friends take a peek into my minds. I guess that was the reason, I don’t really remember anymore, that was more than ten years ago. How would you actually even try to remember what you were trying to think of ten years ago? But then my friends, close friends, or so the friends I never though would be my close friends, read the blog and there goes my audience. I think some of them became my close friends because they actually read my blog, some of the people whom I consider to be my close friends don’t even know that I still write anything past high school, so there’s that. I always say this, but at one point in my life, and eventually a lot more times after and more to come in the future, I was, am, still hoping that my friends would be psychic. Like, comic book level psychic, not those Hollywood reality TV psychics. But thirty years later, I’m still hoping that at least one of my close friends would just come up to me after not seeing each other for more than a few years, just pat me me on the back, no questions asked, and just tell me, “I know, right?” I wish.

So who am writing this for anyway? I write this for myself. Selfish, but I do write for myself. I sometimes have moments of delusional grandeur that one of these days, I’d be curated as part of a series on great writers of my time, or maybe sometime in the future when I die a meaningful death (or so people would want to affix meaning to things like death, when in reality, it’s just purely coincidental, subjective, or worse, just plain boring random), they’d look into these thoughts that I put down on this blog and extract even more meaning that what’s actually there. Scholars do that, I think, finding meaning in things that really don’t, things that just are, just because. I don’t know, I never even finished school.

I’d write for my future self, for the person I’d want to become I guess. I read somewhere that you write the things that you yourself would want to read. Since I don’t have yet the means to go back in time to slap my past self silly because of the stupid decisions he made, this could possibly be the next best thing, just to make sure that I don’t avoid the sins of my past self. It is kind of weird, and fun reading yourself from the past, I’ve seen and reread a couple of posts from my past that were particularly cringe-worthy and I don’t actually remember taking hallucinogens back then (or maybe I was or did, don’t remember). I was definitely basically an awkward, lonely, pathetic, anti-social sap back in college, while I have yet to rediscover my high school self from the tons of scribbles I still have to go through an transcribe one of these days.

I’d write for people like myself, those who share the same insecurities and uncertainties and questions about life and the workings of their own weird minds. I have met a few close matches, but for the most part it’s just the other man in the mirror right now, haha, so just revert to the previous point. Well, I have had a few comments before of people who had related to a few of my posts, reading something about writing something about nothing does look to have a limited shelf-life, a person can only tolerate too much of somethingness and nothingness at the same time for too long.

“Writing with a specific person in mind is a great way to focus on your thoughts and goals.” Yes it is, I wouldn’t know. I have no qualms in saying that I haven’t figured this one out specifically just yet, I’m probably mostly just making this up as I go along. God knows what this will become in the future, but after a lot of starts and stops, just getting these thoughts out on here for a consistent mount of time is achievement enough for me. I still find that fulfilling, whether or not anyone relates to or read this.

But then again, you’re here, so there’s that. Thanks for your attention.

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