things you read on Groupon

I was trying to organize my email account and marking most of the subscriptions that I have as “read”. I don’t really read that much of them; I must admit I am an email hoarder and I need help.

I came upon a hundred or so emails I keep getting from the local Groupon. They publish deals on an assortment of things, like electronics, clothing and accessories, even travel, and once the required number of people sign up, then the deal is on.

The odd thing about Groupon is their writers. They really put a lot of effort in writing the pitch for all the deals it boggles me how they can come up with these things. I sampled a few from their pages below. Tell me how weird are these and if you can guess the product or deal it’s talking about.

  1. Though not mentioned in the Bible, Eve’s initial attraction to the apple was because of its shiny, shiny peel.
  2. If you can make it in the Manila karaoke scene, then you can make it anywhere—except on Mars, where the atmospheric pressure and high concentration of carbon dioxide make wailing awesomely an asphyxiating task.
  3. In the digital age, innovators and inventors started to combine odd things to produce surprisingly effective gadgetry like phones that are also cameras, pencils that are also erasers, and the spork.
  4. Skeletons and souls-in-denial have their space in closets, but bling-bling rarely gets such special treatment.
  5. Gargantuan confections are the stuff of a sweet tooth’s dreams, as well as of a bad episode of Sesame Street.
  6. Home videos were transitioned from their cassette tape homes to compact disc format so that videotape rewinders could retire, move to tropical islands and live their remaining days in peace.
  7. Travelling to all corners of the Galaxy is easy with super-fast technology, but is easier for someone who also has quite long thumbs.
  8. Dolls with attitude are generally frightening, as they are supposed to be made of plastic or cloth. Give your child a non-scary, attitude-filled plaything with today’s Groupon.
  9. Like diamond rings, designer sunglasses, and Cadbury-egg crème, the best things in life come enclosed in a special case. Dine on delectable encased meat with today’s Groupon.
  10. In the digital age, innovators and inventors started to combine odd things to produce surprisingly effective gadgetry like phones that are also cameras, pencils that are also erasers, and the spork. Try this upgraded spork with today’s Groupon.
  11. Baskets laden with delicious food have played an integral role in diplomacy ever since the exchange of a basket of naughty children led to the Human-Boogeyman Accords of 1317. Maintain your own diplomatic relations with today’s Groupon.
  12. Though the main function of Beaters is to keep Bludgers away from Chasers and Seekers, they’re also really useful for making scrambled eggs and mixing up fluffy pancake batter.
  13. Before modern scales were invented, weight was measured against large stones, resulting in inaccuracy and rocky relationships with medical professionals.
  14. Before man knew shame, clothing didn’t exist, giving people free time since they didn’t have to sew loincloths, do the laundry, or choose what leaf covers their genitalia more efficiently.
  15. Without walls, art aficionados would have to sate their passion for aesthetic composition with real-life lily ponds, starlit cafés, and gooeylicious candy pocket watches. Keep sticky scenes at a safe distance with today’s Groupon.
  16. Humans have better ways of staying cool than animals, sweating instead of rolling in mud and buying electric fans instead of trying out for nature documentaries about the Arctic Circle.
  17. When watches aren’t worn and kept in a drawer, they talk to each other arguing about who has the most accurate time.
  18. Renowned for their sneaky characters, sunglasses are always pretty shady.
  19. Before the invention of clocks, celebrities experienced 15 heartbeats of fame, and recipe times were measured in hearty verses of “Happy Birthday.”
  20. Bare sofa sets and beds combat loneliness with a collection of plush-and-linen companions.
  21. Story albums are a more secure way to safeguard memories than encapsulating them in a bottle at sea or writing them into a pop-culture-reference-heavy comedy act.
  22. The three holes in a bowling ball represent the three phases of bowling: wind-up, release, and genuflection. The one hole of a soup bowl, on the other hand represents deliciousness.
  23. A home is a lot like a Rubik’s cube—many people attempt to properly coordinate its shapes and colors, but few can do so without painting over the entire thing.
  24. Cinderella really could have used a Cordless Swivel Sweeper in her day, but then the Fairy God Mother would have moved on to a worse-off maid.
  25. Although Morpheus is the Greek god of dreams, he has trouble sleeping without a comfortable pillow, his blanky, and a nice warm glass of milk.
  26. Singing Bibidi-Bobidi-Boo may get you a pumpkin transportation and a fabulous prom dress, but it won’t get your food on the table.
  27. Old-timey train conductors wore their watches on a chain pinned to their waistcoats because they didn’t realize that the wrist would be a good place to keep it.
  28. Having “glue” and “skin” in the same sentence can never be good; which is why there are a number of embarrassing scenarios that could potentially follow wearing false eyelashes, like losing them, losing one with the other still intact, or the lashes falling into your morning cup of joe.
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