decisions, decisions, decisions

I have been losing a bit of sleep and stressing myself out for the past few weeks since I turned twenty-nine about getting a condo unit maybe somewhere near work or just outside the city I’m currently in. I think I am way in over my head on this getting-myself-a-new-place thing. I don’t have a single clue on what I am doing and thus far the only thing that I am actually sure of is that I want to do this sooner or later. No, I have to do this, later, or better, sooner.

I just thought that if I did this  a lot earlier then I would already be way ahead into it. It wouldn’t even be a question of whether I can afford it. It would just be a question of what kind of drapes would I get or how can I organize my shit or what color do I want to paint my walls with or what kind of art would I be able to put up next. But then all of those questions are moot since A: I don’t have my own proper place or condo or pad or whatever kids call those big things these days yet; and B: I don’t think I can afford it if I actually think about it.

It’s not just a question of whether I have the money right now or within the next ninety days or year to buy my own place. It’s a question of how am I going to pay for it. Am I sure I can afford a frugal lifestyle for the next ten to fifteen years? Am I up for such a commitment? Is it a good investment, a good brand at a good location? What would my parents think of the plan? Where would my brother live when he gets back? Can I really do this? Should I just wait and save up for it instead of jumping in right now? Can I afford to wait? Is my job even really that secure? Can I really do this?

This is just like chemistry to me, one of my most despised subjects, not because I just hate the way it is, but just because I am not good at it and I always end up late for class. It feels like I’m answering a survey that just never ends. It’s a very big decision that I am not even sure I can make myself, although I am certain that I should already be doing it. I am getting old. And without a family or kids or even a pet of my own, I think it’s high time for me to take care of myself better and be in a lifestyle which is normally befitting my age. I think I just reminded myself how it sucks to have to be normal and old.

I don’t know. I was looking to start payments on whatever I can get as early as next year which is technically only a few days shy of next month but from where I stand, even more confused and unsure as I started, I might just end up ditching the whole idea entirely and just get myself another shiny electronic gadget just to make up for the guilt of allowing myself to painfully and slowly self-destruct into just before my middle age crisis. Or whatever.

Or maybe I might just do something crazy and just jump in headfirst, and just let the future decide. Maybe I’ll win the lottery and all the questions would be a lot easier to answer. Ugh.

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