my love affair with being alone

I love being alone.

There, I said it. Not like it did take me a long time to realize and admit that to myself, but the fact that I am able to actually talk about more now is a small milestone for me.

I find it hard to sleep when I have someone beside me. Discussions on who I do have beside me to sleep with is beside the point.

I like going to the movies alone, shopping alone, and travelling alone. Not that I have traveled much but again, that’s beside the point. I can have the whole bed to myself, roll about it in complete abandon. Looking for cold spots underneath pillows or blankets becomes easier when I am sleeping alone, with no other warm body or bodies to compete with. I can wake up and sweat and drool on my bedding as much as I want, although personally, I think it’s kinda gross and I don’t actually encourage it for myself, but then who’s there to comment? No one.

I think it is easier for me to live alone. I don’t have to worry about anyone else but myself, and I find it liberating that I can do whatever I want in whatever state of sanitation I wish. I can walk around in the house naked or in my skivvies, unbathed, unbrushed and unkempt, without having to think whether I am offending anyone but myself. I can eat anything I want when I want to; stop or start doing things as I wish.

Sometimes I wonder if I was every really meant to live with anyone else, I think my current living situation allows me some sort of practice in living in solitude.
I am alone but I am not that lonely. It’s easy not to notice the difference. I can’t say I am happy, I don’t know anyone who can honestly say that they are happy anyway, I think, upon closer and deeper introspection. But I can definitely say I am not sad either. That would just be admitting that that there is definitely something wrong with me, and that is something that I am totally beyond me already. At this age, my life has taught me to be more accepting of what I have and be more satisfied. I think it’s good, in a not-really-so-jaded kinda way, but yeah, I think i wouldn’t say I am still scoff-free.

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