keep up the fight

there are times when i envy those who can fight.
i have never really been much of a fighter all my life, i think, as far as my life has stretched out thus far. i never got into that many fights when i was a kid. i think on one hand i always believed that i would quickly lose any fight that i would manage to get myself into, regardless if i was lost because of something that i cannot or did not know how to do or lacked the talent for, or if i lost because of something i did, or did not do, or completely had lost track that i was supposed to do and thus failed doing. one way or another, i always knew i would end up losing.
but moreover, i think i wasn’t really a fighter in the essence of it. i think i was more of an argumentator, really. easily, regardless of whether i was given the chance or not, i would have always backed down from a fight, but not without putting in a serious argument before leaving. i never had enough strength or passion to see any fights through, but i always believed that i did have enough sense in me to choose fights that i knew i can win. so i ended up choosing none most of the time.
where was i? oh, yes. i was easily admiring, envying those who can put up a fight. easily because i can’t.
it doesn’t matter what you’re fighting for really, the fact that you can do so and put up with all the stress and effort involved in fighting, i’d give my hats off to you.
and now, as i grow older, i find that fighting really is such a waste of time. time and energy, energy that i just don;t seem to have enough of as i count more years or candles on my birthday cake. everything just seems to me so tiring, when i think about them. even fighting. even thinking about how tiring fighting can get can be so tiring. and so i give up. i am, for the most part sick, and for the other parts tired.
good for you, those who fight. good for you. i wish i could say that i was like you once.

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