binge-write / making love to the machine

For a moment there, I thought I was screwed again. This is me again, trying to binge-write.

Changing the color scheme on this wouldn’t really make that much of difference if I am not really using it as much as I want to.

This is not really working for me in as much as I want it to. Ideally, it does seem perfect. In some corner of my room, I can simply just type away on my keyboard whatever comes to mind. Pero yun na nga ang problema. Nothing comes to mind. Minsan naiisip ko kung bakit ko pa ba pinipilit and sarili ko na gawin ito in the first place. Mukhan namang hindi talaga ako na marunong pang magsulat ng kahit ano. Bukod siguro sa mga office emails. Hell, I am not even that good in that too. Wala lang naman talagang masyadong nangyayari sa buhay ko na parang kaya ko pang bigyan ng anggulo para sa isang kuwento.

Minsan naririnig o na lang talaga ang tiyan kong kumakalam. Literally. Ganun pala talaga yun. Lalo na kung lagi kang gutom. Buti na lang din hindi masyadong tumatagal yung pakiramdam ng gutom para sa akin, kasi kahit papaano, meron naman akong makukunan ng makakain, o at least may pabili ako ng pagkain kung kailangan ko. Kung may magtanong siguro sa akin kung nakaranas na ba ako ng matinding gutom sa buhay ko, sasabihin ko oo. Pero sobrang sandali lang. Kasi kapag naisip ko na na alam kong may makukunan ako ng pagkain, hindi na rin ganoon katindi yung gutom. Hindi siguro katulad ng iba na hindi nila alam kung saan hahanap ng pang-kain. Iyon, panigurado, hindi ko pa nararanasan.

May plano ako dati na hindi ko na natuloy. Related naman sa pagsusulat. Inisip ko dati na susulat ako ng liham sa mga tao sa buhay ko, wala lang, gusto ko lang sumulat ng liham. Siguro dun sa mga sulat na yun, sasabihin ko lahat ng gusto kong sabihin sa kanila na hindi ko talaga masabi. Magbubunyag ng mga sikreto na siguro hindi ko kayang sabihin sa kanila ng direcho. Tapos, ipo-post ko yung somewhere sa blog ko under some pseudonym or just plain initals coded in reverse. Siyempre walang names, mahirap na. Hindi pa ba sapat na inilabas ko na nga online yung sulat, kailangan ko pa bang pangalanan ang lahat para sa universe? So yun, balak kong gawin yun. Mukhang tanga lang talaga kasi dalawal lang namn yun: either mabasa nung intended audience yung sulat o hindi. Kasi wala naman talagang nagbabasa ng blog ko that well to begin with, at least in my mind, I never can imagine anyone being too interested in what I am trying to write. Trying is the operative word. Nasimulan ko naman yun, kaso siguro dala na rin lang ng sobrang emosyon yung unang set ng letters na nagawa ko. At tama ng yung hinala ko, mukha siyang tanga. Pero siguro gusto ko pa rin ituloy yun balang araw. Maybe before I turn 30, that’ll be something I’d want to do.

This program is okay if you really want to focus on writing. It does give you that simple interface you can use to get you focused on writing and not let yourself wander about in other things. But the problem is, the files. It does make a lot of sense if you are a writer who always has his laptop or own computer on hand, where Q10 is installed, and you can always do a lookback on other files that you have done in the past. But the text files that you can save using the application can only be accessed on the same computer. So there. This application is not mobile. In fact, I am trying to move some files that I have on the other computer right now on to this one to consolidate. Boo.

Okay, it’s settled. I am never going to turn off this netbook again. Minsan kung sa dami ng beses kong binubuksan at pinpatay ito, parang lalo lang siya nagloloko. Kaya mula ngayun, wala nang patayan. Standby na lang palagi. At minsan ka na lang mag-internet.

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