I don’t know where to start, it would seem. As always, I don’t really know where I am. I never really had any direction towards anything at all, except maybe for hitting the crappers in the next five or ten minutes, or maybe picking out the next almost-rotten item I’ll be bringing out of my fridge and stuffing in my face. I am never really good at setting and sticking to any specific direction at all.
So it’s 2012. I’ll be turning almost 30 this year and I don’t have anything to hold on to. I guess. I am single and quite simply not that very accomplished for a person of my age, I think nowadays. I have been nowhere outside the country, haven’t really traveled far out enough alone, never really lived long enough alone, or been anywhere far enough or long enough alone. The story of my life.
Everyone looks forward to something big, some big change when the year turns. Everyone is always looking forward to evolving as a person every time the sun turns. But then at the end of the day, when we count off all of the things that have changed, that have really changed, for better or worse, we always feel that we could have done more. We could have changed more. We could have changed more, we could have been more. Have been more.
I don’t think that I have said it enough that for the longest time, I have always wanted to look for something to be passionate about. Many times before I had that question asked of me and I always said and will say the same thing, “I am passionate about looking for something to be passionate about.” But even at that, I don’t really think I am passionate enough.
So we end up here, with me, trying to get in a routine for writing back again for the start of the year. Some New Year’s Resolution this is, I already broke on the second day of the year by nor writing anything yesterday, but then I could just say that I just figured out that this will be my New Year’s Resolution for this year today. Or, if I really wanted to get out of that trap, I could just say that this is not really my New Year’s Resolution, I am just doing it because I want to find out if I can really make it a point to write for every single day of this year, hopefully before the world ends.
This will be really hard for me. I haven’t been writing anything for the longest time, at least anything substantial that is totally not related to my work. I haven’t found anything to write about that is that great in my life either, that’s just another way for me to say that my life is actually not that great. (Come to think of it, I don’t know why I am wearing my earphones right now, I don’t even really have any music turned on right now, but somehow I still have it plugged up my ears: random thought.) At least I think my life, the one that I am already willing to put out here on the Internets is really not that great. I do lead some other lives that I would rather not, not rather not live, but rather not say, just for the heck of fear of saying it. Maybe if anyone has been reading my writing so far, they might be able to get a few hints here or there but that’s about it.
Again, another reason that this will be hard for me is that I don’t think I have anything left to offer, really. I am not talented, I have lost some if not most of the talents that I have had or would have thought I had as a kid growing up and entering the corporate world. I do try, I got give myself that, but not really. I don’t read that much, well, I browse the nets for long hours at a time, and just end up with snippets of things that might translate to anything creative, but still nothing that original anymore or anything that could be considered sparked by genius.
Oh well, we’ll see. I don’t know why I even bothered starting to write about this. Maybe because I am really just that sleepy and I just don’t want to look like I am slacking off here at work.