letters unsent – SJR 6

Why do I even bother explaining anything to you?
Again, it’s the small things. Accuse me of magnifying things out of proportion, but that’s what you get when you’re left nothing to work with.
I am sad that you didn’t like me enough to try and even spend time with me. Maybe you didn’t want to know me that well or you never really wanted to. Or maybe I didn’t know you too well either. Somewhere in between us someone didn’t know something, and at that exact point in this, what I would choose to call “relationship” for the lack of better things to call it, ignorance isn’t really bliss.
I am mad that I didn’t see the signs. You tell me things but not likely the things that I would rather know. You are known to me as someone who always chooses to skirt an argument, never really revealing things about how you feel. I don’t think there is such a thing as not interested in texting, I would have appreciated any effort coming from you. Hindi naman ako mahirap kausap. I gave you the benefit of the doubt but you push all my efforts to be with you aside. I would have given you more had you told me what to give, or what you want. Turns out you don’t really even know that. You tell me things about people who courted you in the past, what use do I have in that? I have told you many times over how I felt but I would have appreciated a little kindness. Seems now I will just be another story to tell someone else interested in you. I will just be another footnote for you and that was how it felt.
Too intense? Yes, I am. That’s how I roll. I believe that everything else is a waste of time. Napakahirap mo naman ligawan. Masakit sa akin na binibigay ko na lahat ng kaya kong ibigay pero wala pa rin. Sabi mo, expressive ka in some other way, but where is it? I didn’t feel it. I felt that I was played big time. You can’t even bother to hold my hand or give me a kiss goodnight. Small things. I am not even asking for sex.
And the sex. Yes, the sex. We met the first time and we had sex but I already knew that it was different. But that was just me, afterall.
I don’t know what to say anymore. I am overcome by anger, at least know I am at stage two already. Or maybe I am even further than that. I was in denial for the longest time, I think I already got my stages mixed up. I don’t want to tell you how to run your life, but I hope you find what you are looking for although I would always wish that that was me. That that was this.
So goodbye to you, my ticklish dancer. I can’t say you broke my heart, you never wanted it the first place.
Sana lang hindi mo na ako pinaasa.

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