letters unsent – SJR 4

I am still trying to make sense of what is happening to us, what are we really doing or not doing. Maybe the bias in me us making up things again, imagining things that aren’t really there to begin with. Yes, we didn’t call this thing anything at all when we started it, but as the days stretched on and the weeks wore off, I found myself looking for labels with every little text message. It’s pathetic, we don’t really even see each other anymore but the more I don’t see you the more I end up thinking about it, about you, and about us. And about what this really is all about. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I can’t even tell if it’s really my heart that’s growing fonder over you, or if it’s just my mind playing tricks on my eyes again, seeing something that isn’t really there: us.
I am still trying to wrap my head around what is really going on. I am coming to the conclusion that you don’t really like me. You just don’t really like me. You don’t like me one bit and then as I say it to myself a couple more times, I am even strongly beginning to doubt if you ever really liked being with me in the first place. I mean it’s okay, not like I’ve never been rejected before. It’s just the feeling that you’re being too polite to let me down that kinda pisses me off. I hate it when people treat me like I won’t be able to understand things. I hate it when people treat me like I’m some kid.
I remember this song by The Killers, Human. “Are we human, our are we dancer?” I would like to take the liberty of taking that to a different context though, the reference only came about since you yourself are a dancer. I think on the onset you did see potential in us being together but that turned into something different for you as we progressed several more dates together. I think, or at least now I think, I would say at least too that now I feel that you just like the attention that I am giving you. I have told my friends in the past that the next person that I am most likely to hook up with should be a dancer and I saw myself fall for you quite easily. I don’t necessarily tout that as a bad thing altogether, I mean, I would still be looking for someone who would know how to dance in the near future should I ultimately hope to settle down. I would still prefer someone who actually rhythm in their bodies which hopefully would translate to a rhythm that I can see myself dancing to. But for you as a dancer, I think I just ended up as part of the crowd who baked in your rhythm, the crowd whom you would rather have to watch you dance and be amazed with your dexterity and flexibility, rather than settle for, or hope for someone whom you can actually dance with. I was looking for a dance partner, you were looking for another fan. at any rate, you may disagree, but that is how it all felt to me.
And in all fairness, I would admit, I was your fan for a time. I admired how you somehow lived your life on your own terms and how you never really cared too much about what other people felt or said about you. You were dancing to the beat of your own drum, and how you danced like no one was watching. Cliche, I know, but indulge me just this time. Again, that is how it all felt to me.
I am torn if I want to say goodbye to you or not. It’s been a while since I stood in awe of anyone’s life, at least of those few people whom I think I know, like I was with how you lived yours. That just goes to show how my awe is directly proportional to how bad my own life sucks right now as I see it, even if lately, things have somehow gone for the better. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that, like what you mentioned before, we both might not be looking for the same thing afterall.


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