Several months of work-lessness seems like it is taking a toll on my self-esteem.
Come next week, July 2, I would have been out of work for, wait for it… five months. Seems like forever, yes. Seems like forever, really. And for the sake of doing everything in threes, is seems like forever. It is, the last time I checked almost half a year.
Sometime around the start of this “non-gig”, I started not wearing my watches. One of them always comes up late for some reason, apparently it was made in Jupiter. The other always had some odd time every time I
choose to wear it, at worst it was about 30 minutes advanced. It was like it was going to some other parallel dimension everytime I didn’t wear it. My other watch just stopped. It was also jobless. At least I wasn’t the only one not working.
Sometime around the middle of it all, I was thinking of other people I know who didn’t have jobs. My friend’s husband didn’t work for, what, I think that was half a year. I’m not really sure. I don’t even want to confirm the exact time period, lest I be proven more loser than him. Basta matagal. But he’s working now, he has a job as some tech guy I guess. Works for him. Good for me. And I still suck, five months later.
At least I am still living off my own money. I was able to save up quite a sum while I still had a job; I was planning to use it on something else but, what the hell, let’s call it pension for now. I haven’t asked any help yet from anyone, financially that is. Yung mga limos naman na binibigay sa akin e hindi ko naman hiningi kahit
kailan, at kaysa sabihin pang nagmamataas pa ako ng ihi, tinanggap ko rin naman. Salamat. But I didn’t ask for it. As a matter of fact, it seems that people have been asking me for money that I still had. As if I still had money. Or a job. Pero okey lang. As long as they pay me back. And good thing, they do. Or else I would have started whoring myself already by now. (Not that I haven’t tried, up to an embarassing point; I think whores are really born, not made. And I don’t do well with sales, even if it involves selling myself.)
To kill time, I have been doing a lot of home stuff. Cleaning house. Rearranging furniture. Throwing out stuff that no one touched for at least a year. Mostly these are my brothers’ and parents’ stuff. My eldest brother and his family moved out a couple of weeks ago; my other brother moved into his own pad last month. My youngest brother only comes around once a month at most, o kung may okasyon, o kung nawala na naman ang cellphone niya. So they basically left me this whole apartment, with all their stuff in it. I am now technically
living alone, save for my cousin who’s going to be taking the nursing boards next week (Good luck, Jo! You can do it!). Which is one other thing I’d have to worry cbout, actually living alone. Ngayun nga lang na walang cable, mabuburyong na ako. At least I’m online.
I got back into running, sort of. Ran 5k two weeks ago, and then 10k a week later. I go to the gym about 4 times a week, hindi lang talaga halata. I always tell myself I’m not really doing it to bulk up that much, at least I’m doing it so I won’t die a weakling, in about 25-35 years from now, or earlier, given my smoking habit. I’ll try to quit soon, promise.
There are bills to worry about. Shet, malapit na palang mag-end of the month. When the bills come in, I’ll finally find out the actual cost of living alone would be. Then there’s groceries, laundry, and other house stuff.
I digress.
Self-esteem: I’ll be calling in for a final interview by tomorrow for this job my friend refered me to. At the back of my mind, not finishing school would always have it’s ugly head rearing on my abilities everytime I come in for some job interview, but I am hopeful. Sort of. I guess. I was talking to that friend a couple of
weeks back and I told her I might not be ready to get back to work yet. But it’s been so long. Kailan ka pa nga ba talaga magiging handa. Tama siya. Kailan pa?
Kinakabahan ako bukas. I’ll be talking to some regional head of some sort I guess, and way back on the second interview I kinda messed it up when she asked me about my weaknesses. Na-bingo ko pa yung dalawang bagay na pinaka-ayaw nung department head. Shet. At least I was honest, my friend said. But that was definitely a fail. I mean, what was I supposed to say, eh?
I’m ranting. Yan ang nagagawa ng kawalan ng magawa.
I have long believed that this is the age that everyone believes we can do anything. I think I’m teetering past that moment right now. Sana hindi muna. Not yet, not until I’ve attempted to set some of these things that I have been doing wrong all along right.
Like this blog. Tae.


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