anneliese 2

archie,

am here at UP. i took my brother to take the exams this morning and i still have to lick him up later at around 1. still have nothing to do until then but then i thought about you.

*wow! at least someone has thought about me… how touching. šŸ™‚

i hope i am not. i pretty much lead a not so extraordinary life now that i have come to realize it. but i try to get out of my way to make it so. like you, for instance. people like you are not so common so i guess that makes you extraordinary.

*lol. thanks for being profuse with praise. really, i must seem extraordinary because most people are sane. and i’m not. lots of loose screws cling-clanging in my head.

note: gadgets: everyone in the philippines has a cellphone, even those anybodys who are nobodys. seriously, even our garbage collectors and tricycle drivers have cellphones. i guess it’s a created necessity around here.

*i agree. it must be because of the impossible traffic situation. everyone is really afraid should there be an emergency. we always want to be quickly accessible to people we love. cell phone is a good suggestion.

love: well said. i guess it’s one of those things you can’t really have a handle on because no one could really understand how it works. you can only judge when you feel it yourself, and in that case, i think it very much a personal experience even though it happens between two people. it’s weird but it’s nice in that way.

*i agree. if it were so easy to understand it would loose its very essence. and the idea is to feel it with our hearts and not to overnanalyze.

waiting: but what if you grow tired of waiting? wouldn’t it be unfair to yourself? i’ve heard somewhere that it’s not wise to wait for mr.ms. right when you can have mr.ms right now. what do you think?

*i agree. but that only applies when two people are in love. it can’t work when it’s one-sided. in my case, i am certain he does not love me. and so, i have stopped hoping. the thing with me is, once i realize i’m the only one with feelings, i lose interest in the person and ultimately all those feelings die. it’s happening now.

gf: it’s not really clear whether or not she would want to meet you or not and it’s not important either. i know i’m letting you meet her. well, it is important what she wants though, but still i think it’d be great if she’d meet you personally. come to think of it, again, it’s like deja vu, i just realized how soon that would be! or have i said that before a few letters back?

*completely understandable. besides you are my friend and not her. i wouldn’t want to be close to your girlfriend even given a chance. i never want to inherit other people’s friends or relatives. once i make a person my friend, only to him/her i am loyal and open with.

nature of our relationship: i still am uncertain because it seems like all forces are trying to keep us apart and that includes our own lives. i mean i feel like we cannot live our life together without losing parts which we love most. i guess that is some sort of sacrifice we’d have to decide on soon together. and i think that decision we’ll have to talk about the next time we meet again. and it’s really hard taking this stuff everywhere! i’m nearly throwing my studies down the drain, well not really but i think i could do better if i hadn’t had this load in my mind. and it always hits me at the back of my head whenever someone mentions love and relationships, even when i watch tv and those darn telenovelas! i might go nuts in a few months but good thing i have lots of diversions.

*i understand. truth is i believe in fate. everything happens for a reason. it’s also a matter of timing. i’m not really immersed in the whole relationship thingy anymore. i’m exhausted by it.  though i’m still idealistic in that it must be mutual. as of now, there’s nothing like it in my life.

distance-fatigue: i have been guilty of this dozens of times. i sometimes think that i’m trying too hard and then i get burned out. like the last time we cooled off from each other, i think that was it. we were in the same zipcode most of the day and still i can’t stand it. i just hate it when i feel like this, i feel very guilty. it’s like it’s all my fault that all those things happened to us in just less than a year together. i told her that time when we got back together that she should never say sorry to me only i should tell her that. because i really felt that the pressures in our relationship was all just on her and i had no hand in this, when i should have had, right from the beginning.

*i don’t know what to say. i guess, my heart is becoming out of touch that i have stopped feeling. you’re very lucky to have a relationship where feelings are mutual and the fact that you got back together says a lot about how deep it is. as for me, i’m beginning to believe that this is not the relationship for me. he’s not making any effort. always, he has an excuse whenever i want us to talk. he is obviously avoiding me. kung ayaw niya e bakit ko pipilitin, di ba? i won’t. so here and now, i’m not going to delude myself anymore. the guy does not love me. i don’t love him na rin. i guess it means it’s over between us. plain and simple.

sometimes it’s not really the physical distance that counts but also the emotional one. even when you’re really together you feel a bit out of synch with each other as though you’re both from different planets speaking different tongues.

*i agree. in fact emotional distance is the worst. people can be thousands of miles apart but so emotionally close that the barrier of the distance melts. emotional distance is harder to remedy. in fact, i don’t think it has a cure. once people have become emotionally distant to each other, it is the end of the relationship. there is none when there is no closeness and no bond.

gifts: those are really nice suggestions. you must really give a lot of stuff away to your friends. you have given me lots of ideas. i just hope she likes them like i do.

*thanks for liking my suggestions. but don’t expect your gf to like them since i’m kinda weird with my choices. besides i never told you that it’s what i prefer. for me, the greatest gifts are those that cannot be bought. but they are what i value most, and i believe, the most important. these are loyalty, consideration and kindness. there’s nothing like me having a bad time and someone just spends his time with me, keeping me company, even without conversation. someone who is supportive. who is a comfort when i’m troubled and perceptive enough to know when i need him. i want to have a boyfriend like that. someone with these qualities. someday, i will have him.

*thank you also for your reply. good for you to take your brother to UP.

*last night, i had a great time partying with my friends. got home 5am. met this great guy. we are dating next weekend.

*you know what you said about the right guy, made me think. maybe he’s in front of me and i’m just not seeing him for the wonderful person that he is. am talking about john, my friend. maybe i shiuld seriously consider him. he’s kind to me and so thoughtful. always here for me when i’m in distress. while joni could not even be bothered, even sparing me a few minutes of his time.

*but then again, it’s not a real-life relationship. it does not even come close to any of the internet relationships i know and read about.

*i’m glad i’m single. wouldn’t want to be tied down to a man who does not care about me.

*take care.

*anneliese.

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