passion

I don’t know how to start this, so let’s begin with something I think
would work. This will all be just a mishmash of thoughts and things,
so don’t tell me you haven’t been warned and go ask me “what’s the
point of this post?” Not that you can stop me or say otherwise, but
the fact that you’re already reading this means that it is already
done. Let’s define “passion”.

pas·sion* [pash-uhn]
–noun
1. any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.

I hate this. This feeling of uselessness. I don’t think I have enough
words to express how I feel these days. Without anything useful to do,
waking up in the middle of the day with no succinct purpose. even just
for the day itself. As in. Kung anu-ano na lang talaga.
True enough, with all the time I finally got on my hands right now, I
never really sat down and had the time to think about feeelingg
anything anymore. I can’t remember the last time I ever really felt
anything for anyone, much more anything that I can call compelling.
Namamanhid na ako. Pakiramdam ko (namamanhid nga, tapos pakiramdam ko?
wag kang epal.), parang nalulusaw na ako at ang buong pagkatao ko sa
kawalan. Yung kawalan na hindi ko gusto. Yung kawalan na hindi ko
alam. Hindi ko alam. Ano nga ba ang sinasabi ko. Muli, wag kang epal.

2. strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.

I am single. Not that I am complaining though. Sus! Wag kang epal. I
love being single. I like being single. It gives me all the freedom to
do whatever I want, go wherever I want to go and ignore people whom I
don’t necessarily have a reason to ignore or deliberately want to
ignore, but I ignore them just because I can and they cannot hold me
accountable for it. Again, I do not mean to hurt anyone, but I ignore
them because I can. Simple. What in hell is “ardor” anyway?

3. strong sexual desire; lust.
4. an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.
5. a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.

Why does strong sexual desire figure in this definition three times?
Ako? No comment. (it’s not always about sex, right?) Sa tingin ko
naman, I have already spread myself too thin online before to do it
again. But if you may insist, all you got to do is ask.

6. a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for
anything: a passion for music.

I don’t remember being a fan of anything or anyone. Come on, you
didn’t seriously believe that I was a fan of the Megatron Baby
petition on Facebook, did you? (Except you, in the green shirt. I know
how gullible you really are.) Well, I do like a handful of things and
some personalities, but I’m not necessarily a fan of them, in terms of
some fans I know. Oo, ikaw yun, fangirl. I like the city, living in
the city, but I wouldn’t awant to marry it. That would be… wrong.

7. the object of such a fondness or desire: Accuracy became a passion with him.

I just got this definition online, so sue me. I’m not even an object
of anyone’s “fondness or desire.” Unless, my own parents count, but
they have to be, by default. Unless dogs count, but then they would
have to know how to read. (Just remembered to put this out there:
Naalala ko minsan may nagsabi/nag-comment sa akin, “Bakit lagi kang
mabango?” Ngayun alam ko na kung ano ang gusto kong sabihin: “Naman.
Hindi naman ako gwapo. Hindi naman ako charming. Hindi naman ako
mabait o mabuting tao. Ni hindi naman ako cute. Mabango? That would be
the least that I could do, right?”)
Now if you are someone who relishes the moment that you can prove me
wrong, come forward and admit that you have a certain “fondness or
desire” for me. As a person. Come forward and challenge the universe
to spite you into reconsidering. (That was nice…)

8. an outburst of strong emotion or feeling: He suddenly broke into a
passion of bitter words.
9. violent anger.

Now here’s something I can relate to, I think. Does passion have to be
always something good? Is passion always something good? I had a bit
of falling apart moment with my father the other day, and I had my
mother as roadkill, or at least she tried to dodge some of the debris,
but I could only contain myself so much. I would like to say sorry,
but that might mean someone has to…
But anyway, moment ko ito, ito na ang pinaka-matagal kong moment na
lantad sa harap ng sarili kong pamilya. Even that time when I had to
add an “ex” to “girlfriend”, they never saw me fall apart. They just
learned about it evenetually. (I think family will always know what’s
going on, that there’s something going on, but it would be too much
for even family to actually understand. Hindi pa ba sapat na nandyan
lang sila, anuman ang mangyari?) I still want to admit to myself that
I can handle my own quite fine. My family may not believe it, may not
trust me on it, but what can they do? They’re family, and
unfortunately mine.

10. the state of being acted upon or affected by something external,
esp. something alien to one’s nature or one’s customary behavior
(contrasted with action).

(WTF? Just where was this drawn from? Oh yeah, online.)

11. (often initial capital letter) Theology.
a. the sufferings of Christ on the cross or His sufferings subsequent
to the Last Supper.
b. the narrative of Christ’s sufferings as recorded in the Gospels.

Last week was the Holy Week and then there was Easter. But when shall
my passion resurrect?

12. Archaic. the sufferings of a martyr.

Most of those who would read this would just dismiss it as me making a
big deal out everything. Yes, even I think that I am indeed making a
big deal of everything. Nagpapaka-emo. Nagpapaka-ampalaya. Siguro nga.
Siguro nga dapat i-enjoy ko na lang itong bakasyong ito, kung bakasyon
man nga itong matatawag. Maybe I just have way too much time on my
hands right now to come up with this crap. Siguro nga.

Siguro nga.

*definitions extracted from dictionary.com

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