the start of the end of the year: lookback

Where should I begin my the end of the year?
Hindi ko alam. They say the very first word that we ever really get lo learn, learn not to say, but more like learn to understand is the word “NO”. Hindi ko alamkung bakit ko naisingit yun, wala lang siguro. I guess I was partly out to make a point that I myself don’t get.
Okay, I do have a thing for writing overly long. This one will fall under that category: overly long for any self-respecting blog. I’d like to think of it as some sort of training for a great novel or some odd book that will sell like pancakes. Talaga lang. Ginagago ko na naman ang sarili ko at kung sino man ang magtatangkang bumasa nito. But as the title of the blog implies, don’t tell me you haven’t been warned.
Sigurong magndang magsimula sa pamamagitanng isang look-back. As if I don’t have enough of myself that I’ve already put out there and eventually ate up, doing a look-back on what I have sort of promised/resolved to do for the year and so graciously failed to do would only make me look more consistent (yes, Chryssie, wait for it…) on paper. Or on this website/blog. Siguro saka ko na lang gagawin yung bago kong mga resolutions for the coming year, not that like I’m on a deadline or anything. May ilang araw din naman akong liliban sa trabaho kaya kahit na ilang araw na lang bago magsara ang taon, I still got a bit of time to kill. (Time to kill. Ha! I like that.)
Here are parts of what I posted from the start of last year:
“I got to be honest, I am so not okay. I’ve been mulling over a lot of stuff in my head more often than usual now and I still can’t believe that after 25 years of living, I have nothing to show for myself. I have lived a very wayward life, not as wayward in all sense of the world in general, but I think I’ve got enough guilt to show for how much I’ve disregarded a lot of things that mostly should have mattered. Sabi ko palagi sa iba, I want to live my life with no regrets, pero yun na rin siguro ang una kong regret sa buhay: sa sobrang pagnanais ko na maging isang free spirit, hindi ko napapansin na wala nang ibang nangyayari pa sa akin kundi mga bagay na wala naman talagang katuturan.”
Hmmm… ano ba…? Wala rin naman talagang nangyaring bago. I think I have gotten used to so much of my own shit to even be consciously aware of anything. I did try do do some sort of routine just to get by, but that’s the point, I did it just to get by the whole year and just to get it over with. Yun din siguro ang fault ko. Sabi nga madalas sa akin ng mga kaibigan ko, wala naman daw akong pakialam. I think this was the year that I actually got to prove that to myself. I’ve been denying it for so long, pero ganun talaga siguro ako: I just don’t care. And I just don’t care just because I can not care. I just don’t care, by design.
“Back to: my life is bleh. I was thinking the other day, while walking home from my torture haven of the gym, I should make the most of my life this year.”
So much for that. None the richer, none the happier, the year just went by like a blur. Sa ilang mga pagkakataong sinubukan kong tumigil para lang makapagmuni-muni sa mga bagay-bagay, nasosobrahan naman ako. Pakiramdam ko nung mga panahon na tumitigil ako, parang gulay lang ako. Hindi nagagalaw, hindi natitinag sa pagkakaugat sa lupa. Namumunga nga, kaso hindi naman sapat. That was a life without effort, this year.
Heto naman na yung mga resolutions ko nung simula ng taon. Siyempre kakainin ko na naman ulit yung mga sinabi ko noon, pero tignan natin. Hindi naman ako nagda-diet, yun lang hindd rin naman ako masyadong busog.
“Resolution One: Live healthier. Healthier, ibig sabihin, more gym, lesser yosi, at more kain. Kailangan kong tumaba. I am planning to reduce my smoking starting this month, although I’m not sure if I can really quit yet. Maybe something I’d consider come June.”
Lumipas na ang buong buwan ng June: wala rin namang nangyari. I still smoke. I don’t think I even really tried quitting in the first place. Syempre madami akong excuse. One of them would be that I live so much closer to work now, I think I feel that I got a lot more time to do things. and then there’s walking to work and then home from work. Minsan parang nakukulangan ako sa sarili ko kung wala akong hawak na kung ano kung papasaok ako ng trabaho o kahit pauwi. O siguro kahit saan na naglalakad lang ako, hinahanap-hanap ko yung yosi. Pero mas kumamain na nga ako ngayun, yun lang minsan mas nauungusan na ng tulog yung oras ko kaysa sa kain. Pero okey din lang siguro. Hindi man na ako talaga lumaki, at least I can say that I can eat almost anything and still look the same.
“Resolution Two: Improve my life. Hindi lang siguro sa quality of living, pero mas mahalaga siguro yung patuloy akong matuto kahit na hindi sa school. I don’t know if I’m ever going back to school but I’m considering learning a new skill or at least trying to master one that I already got or putting that into good use. Pwede na siguro yung pagsusulat, dapat mas madami akong maisulat ngayung taon, hindi lang sa blog, pero screenplay siguro o play. Medyo premature pa siguro kung papatol ako sa mga tula, pero pwede na rin, basta dapat akong magsulat. Kailangan ko na ring matuto ng Photoshop or at least re-learn photography.”
So much for that. I got transferred to anew program late this year, I guess that’s one new thing that I can say I did learn. Nothing out of my own desire to learn, though. I got a crash course in accounting and using QuickBooks software just because my job asked for it, not that I wanted to learn these things in the first place. And i’m not even a numbers person at all. I tried to do art though, just the other night, my brother and I tried to play with the DLSR and do some amateur light-writing pics (I’ll try to get them posted soon.) I got doodle on my bedroom door, for all it’s worth. I’m planning to do something on the other side of it, something preferrably shiny. That is, just as soon as I finish the one on the front of it. Isang malaking ekis.
“Resolution Three: Spend time with my family. Matagal na rin akong hindi masyadong nakikihalubilo sa family ko. Iniisip ko dati na kung sabagay naman, hindi naman talaga kami ganun ka-bonded bilang isang pamilya, unlike other families of my friends that I know of, at medyo huli na ang lahat para makipagbonding pa kami sa isa’t isa. Pero sa kabila nun, namimis ko pa rin sila kung nandiyan sila sa bahay at naa-appreciate ko na lalo ngayun yung mga ginagawa nila para sa akin, kahit na mas madalas na mabibilang mo lang yun sa isang kamay, hehe. Okey lang, at least nilalabahan nila ang damit ko. Hehe.”
My mom got diagnosed with breast cancer the earlier part of the year, and things went pretty fast from bad to worse. She’s somewhat okay now, I guess, I hope, though she finally decided to go through the radiation therapy come early next year. I know that my parents will be okay. They have to be. Kung sa amin namang magkakapatid, same, same. I never even had my Kuya al as a Facebook friend until last week, so that pretty much sums it up. One good thing though is that my brothers are home a lot more often these days, partly because of the holidays, mostly because of my parents.
Everyday that I spent with my folks turned out to be a learning experience, I got know them more each day, as if I never got the chance to do so in my 26 years of breathing. It’s hard to explain how our family works, like I’ve said before, some people might find it odd or strange that we even get to consider ourselves as family the way we treat/interact with each other. Ano naman ang magagawa ko, ganun talaga kami. But the past year, I can say we’ve grown a lot stronger as a family, not necessarily tighter or closer, but stronger is definitely a good place to start.
“Resolution Four: Do a postive thing each day. Normally, dapat ito e, Do a Good Deed Each Day, pero iniisip ko, “good” is such an objective term. What may be considered good for some might not sound that good to me. So, I’d stick with positive. Positive things would be easier to recognize since it would only have to be positive in my point of view, i’m doing these for my own pleasure anyway. Halimbawa, pagbibigay ng limos. Doing someone a favor. Putting in a good word for someone, being there for someone. Giving someone something that they would love/like. Something like that. Tapos, siguro i-popost ko dito, just so I can keep track of it eventually at the end of the year. (Ummm, parang medyo malaking task yata yun. 365, positive things to do for the year. Well, that sounds good. Sige na nga.)”
Yun lang, isang malaking yun lang. I can’t say I didn’t try though, I did, consciously, subconsciously, in an inter-planetary-dimension kind of way, I guess. Hindi ko rin siguro na-anticipate na hindi naman talaga magiging measureable itong resolution na ito, hindi ko malalaman kung nagawa ko siya talaga. I can say I did try, but that would be limited to what I know that I did good. For all others, I got my friends who can tell. Or not. I can hope too, though, that somewhere sometime the past year I was able to do a good deed at least once every day for someone else, that I somehow said something or did something that made someone smile or at least feel something. I hope.
Teka, sinisipon na ako.
So, yun. That’s it. Can I call it a good year for meself? I don’t know. Based on what I assumed I was going to do at the start of the year, I don’t think I was able to do that much. But i guess that’s the whole point of making resolutions, we can at least try. At any rate, I can list down a host of other things I could try to start doing for the year, but that would be for another post. Right now, I just need to sleep.
Ang abrupt, no?

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