i’ll know when i know

I still got about 20 minutes left for lunch. Amazing how much waiting an hour actually is, if you’re used to just having 30 minutes for lunch and even have to struggle with old elevators not doing what they’re supposed to do.
I’ve been too busy lately, but not busy enough I guess. My parents’ condition isn’t any better, my father is a lot less mobile these days for some reason, and my mom’s chemotherapy sessions are taking it’s toll on her body.
I’m not really comfortable talking about this to anyone at all. But since technically this is just me, writing, to myselF, it doesn’t really matter or wouldn’t really matter that much because much of it would only be after the fact.
My father used to go to our house here in the city every weekend or so, but he has not been able to do so for more than a couple of months now. His Parkinson’s disease, although the shakes and the twitching really have not yet set in as worse as a normal case would have, I suppose, left him instead a lot slower in movement in general. My mom thinks that his thought process had slowed down too but I wouldn’t really know. My father has been known to be generally calm and laid back, relaxed in manner. But now, everything he does is slow, even walking and getting dressed. I think he missed a couple of weeks of physical therapy at most, some of his muscles have gone stiff. He is still taking his maintenance medication for his condition, but personally I don’t think they’re working as they should anymore, at least that’s what I think them medication should be doing.
My mother is a whole different matter. Just in case no one had known it before, well, she has cancer. She’s been doing chemotherapy for the past couple of months. Until you actually know someone who’s going through it, you’ll never really believe that they could lose their hair until you see it gone. My mom was always proud of her hair. Lately, she’d been having chills every night for some reason. My father called me the other night while I was at work. He said that my mom was having chills and he needed me to come as soon as I got off work. That must have been one of the scariest phone calls I’ve ever had ever since I worked in a call center for five years now. Also, my mom has been staying in bed for the most part, she never comes down the stairs anymore. Whenever they have people visiting, they have to come up to her room to see her.
Forgive me if it looks disjointed in a way, this. Since I don’t really feel like talking about things like this, that’s why. Details about my life had always been disclosed on a need to know basis, even with my so-called close friends. If some of these facts or the condition of my parents would prevent me from being civil to you, then you might have the need to know. Otherwise, I wouldn’t let that happen. I don’t like parading my problems in other people’s faces, that I owe to my parents, they have successfully raised me independent.
Of course anyone can ask, and I’d willingly give them the full 101. I think my general uncaring, cold and indifferent demeanor towards other people would scare them away, that is something that I don’t intentionally try to project, at least not all the freaking time (that’s going to be very tiring, and not to mention, easy… for me. Who wouldn’t want a challenge?) and thus they’d rather not ask, which like, I said, is good for me, since I normally don’t. Talk about these things. Voluntarily. And I am not good at it either. So there.
Soon enough, God forbid not too soon, there could be something really bad to report. But not yet. Hopefully it would not go that direction. I hope. I wish. But I’ll be ready when it comes, that I know. I’ll know when. I know that I’ll know. But then I’m not welcoming the idea either just so I can prove to myself that I was right when I said that I’ll know when I’ll know. I don’t even know what I really meant with that last sentence.


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