my poor vegetables…

I missed my FarmVille harvest. My bell peppers, eggplants, and pineapples would have wilted away already.
I have been finding it really hard to get some sleep lately. I think for the longest time I have been used to sleeping with the daylights on that since my schedule changed with the move to Intuit, sleep has been harder to get by with the night darkness.
I went out tonight with my AS a.k.a. DS troupe, actually there’s just the two of them, dinner and a few rounds of drinks, strikingly surreal choice of music and then some obnoxious entities called other people at the bar. I had fun, I never recalled any other recent night I had been out like this, save for that one at MagNet. That wasn’t even that fun anymore after the Japanese dinner, so this night is way up the charts of late.
Usual topics of conversation ventured into things that we would never have talked about with other people. Life in general, love life or lack thereof, job security and then throw in some quips that make us all tick, that does make for an interesting night of shouting, on top of the blaring 80s-mid-90s music and MC Hammer and Run DMC music videos.
Funny how other people we know think of us differently, we say, how strong our personalities are and somehow bitter our outlook in life is. It’s not all true, bitterness is in the eye of those who don’t feel it, or deny it, or try to fend it off by focusing on other things. The only clear difference is that we, by all measures, recognize the bitterness that we harbor towards others, towards unforeseen and uncontrolled situations, against people and what they say they stand for, and against the mysterious and screwed-up way that the universe works; yet in a more vocal and theoretical perspective. There’s nothing wrong with that. I think people tend to look upon being to vocal as something that is like social ineptitude, like a fail in an aspect of civility and manners. Maybe. The thing is, we’d rather confront these disappointments, rather than tuck them in. We do make noise, positive or negative, physical or literal, in our own ways.
The truth is, careerwise, people like us really don’t have anything much to worry about. No matter where people or companies put us in, whatever job we end up with or task we would be assigned to do, we always turn out our best. We never learned failure in this aspect of our life. With that settled, that would leaves us more time to worry about our own lives more. Like what I told them, imagine if we didn’t do well in our jobs, that would leave us worrying about how to do well at work, even if we’re not at the office anymore. But are they any happier, than us? Maybe, possibly a resounding yes. But do they know any better?
Somehow our realities paint for us a different picture from what we really want. Our experiences reinforce these realities even more, validating them with every case in point, even ourselves as exhibit As. It’s hard to contend with cold truths with just denial alone, especially when denial itself is what you’re really not good at. But one way or another, our lives really aren’t cut in stone. We may not have the power to change those realities that have shaped our expectations in life or our hopes or lack thereof, but we can hope, even if only at the back of our minds. Wish; that even though you don’t expect that you’ll find another person out there who would accept you for who you are, that there’s no one out there who can give you the thrill of the chase, but can only run as fast as to not leave you in the dust, that you can never really be attracted to this person because the other cannot create enough dissonance for you now to enjoy the actual pursuit, or that there is really no one out there who was created to make your heart bounce the way it did before; one of these goddamn days, the universe will throw you a curveball and every one of your expectations blows up in your face. And for once in your life, the universe’s fucked-up ways will end up doing or giving you something good.
Whenever I meet with them, I always end up realizing a few more truths about myself somehow, that must be a good thing, right?
My poor vegetables…


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