Hindi na naman ako makatulog.
Right after the shift, went straight to the internet shop to harvest on FarmVille. Accepted a handful of gifts for the farm and from my mafia too on Mafia Wars. Parang sa lalong pagtagal ng hindi ko pag-online, lalong nangigigil ako kapag nandun na.
(Leche, umulan lang naman ng malakas, palabas ko nung shop kaya hindi rin ako nakapaglakad agad pauwi. Nagpatila pa ako sandali. Pagdating ko sa bahay: wala nang ulan. Basa na ako, pero wala nang ulan.)
Then there’s the blog. My poor unread, out-dated blog. I’ve got a month’s worth of posts here on my phone, and I think it would pretty much be useless to post them now since they would all be a part of history already. Napressure naman ako kay Chryssie. For some reason she actually reads my crap. I guess for lack for better things to do. Mantakin mo, nauubos din pala ang mga interesanteng basahin sa internet?
I was actually trying to write something last night as I was struggling to sleep. Noong una iniisp ko pa sana mag-laba, medyo namumundok na rin ang mga madumi kong damit at nauubusan na ako ng isusuot. But then I did have to go to the gym, so I tried my best to sleep. Lo and behold, it was already 5:00 am and I was still tumbling over in my bed. I played around on my phone for some hour or so, doing FreeCell solitaire. I’m almost at 90% win rate, but chances are, I’m barely even at 5% of all the conceivable card hands dealt.
Please hold while I scratch my ass.
Ahh… Better. Much better. Well, this is what my writing has become. Pinaghalo-halong ewan, basta kung ano na lang ang pumasok sa isip, yun ang lalabas sa screen. Ultimong pagkamot ko ng pwet, kelangan ko pang ipaalam sa mundo. I always knew that I was spreading myself too thin on the web through this blog. Anyone who would have read it from the very start would notice how my writing, as well as sensibilities, have evolved into, yes, a butt-scratching monster.
Wala akong magagawa. Ganito talaga ako. Sabog. Half the time I’m actually lucid, I’m working. Working at a job that I would not have chosen for myself, but would have been profiled for based on what other people believe I’m good at. Hindi ko naman pinili talaga. Ako lang yung pinili nila. In a way, I do actually become good at what I do, but time does that to everyone, and in the long run, it also muddles your capacity to get back to what you really want and focus on it.
I remember listening to the radio the other day in the cab, that was I think last week (when I still actually took a cab to work, other than walking, which I do very much prefer like this week, thank you very much) when I heard the news that high school students had to take this exam like a college or career assessment exam to gauge what kind of course you’re most likely suited to take in college. I would have screwed up that exam big time, I thought. Paano nga naman maididikta ng isang pagsusulit kung anong klaseng karera ang kukunin mo? Paano na lang yung mga bagay na gusto mo talagang gawin? Paano kung hindi yun yung lumabas sa exam? Ibig sabihin ba nun na hindi mo na dapat gawin yun dahil hindi naman yun bagay sa mga kakayahan mo?
Is passion enough to make you be good at something? Or is it just because you’re good at something, then you become passionate about it?
Miles asked me something while we were on break: what would you actually be doing right now if the call center industry had not existed? I said, I’d probably be a writer. Or a production assistant. Dakilang alalay. Ngayun lang ulit sumagi sa isip ko kung bakit at paano ko naman nasabing magiging manunulat ako kung wala ako sa isang call center. Siguro dahil gusto ko lang. Gusto ko lang magsulat. Hindi naman din ako magaling talaga magsulat, pero wala lang, siguro trip ko lang talaga. Well if I’m not a good writer or if I’m not likely to become a good writer anyway, does that mean that I should just stop? Just stop this and go find something else to do that I might end up succeeding in?
Should I stop writing while I still can and not wait for the time when I would really suck in writing?
That I don’t know. One thing though, I’m going to stop now because I’m sleepy.
And my butt is starting to itch again. Excuse me.
Hindi na naman ako makatulog.