I don’t know what’s wrong. But something is.
There are a lot of things that I am afraid of now, and more than half of those things I’ve been trying so hard not to think of. But it is harder to flush things out of your mind when you know the very act of it means that they’re there and you are thinking of them as you try not to. So you try to think of other things instead to keep your mind occupied. Even the most irrelevant things you attempt to think of, just so you can block out those things you’d rather nor think about. Eventually you got a circus of thoughts running through your head, while you fill yourself with all the minor attractions and rides, that big tent that scares you the most and that huge drop on the rollercoaster at the back of your head beckons you. That doesn’t even make that much sense.
You can only keep up the act for so long, you can only fill your mind with so much obscure little details that it goes on declutter mode without you wanting to, only to save you from not taking that spoon out of your mouth while you eat or spare you from mistaking that knife for your toothbrush. And then as your mind tries to sort out the clutter, unconsciously making sense of all the things that you forced it into thinking about, the things that you dread thinking about the most slowly surface and then takes your whole focus.
After all your attempts to flush or block them out or bury them in a heap of useless junk thoughts, they still linger, these thoughts, these possibilities, these truths, these facts. You cannot help more than half of them from being there, more than half of then you can’t help at all, that’s why you tried to get them out of your head in the first place. Let us not waste time on things that cannot be helped, but still they take up space in your wasted mind.
That’s not even the hardest part. What’s more difficult is that after all the unconscious declutter at the same time recluttering of your head of other ideas and thoughts, once the big kahunas resurface again and reclaim your focus, you’re already too tired to feel anything valid about it anymore. I always thought that feelings are almost always valid, no matter what they are, because their just that, feelings, and everyone is entitled to feel their own way about things, and just because you feel differently about something as opposed to the general feeling public, that does not mean that what you feel is wrong, it’s just that you feel different, and it’s because those feelings are yours that make them valid.
But in this case, you’re so tired already, you can’t feel a thing. Does numbness even count as a feeling?
Forgive me, it just needs time to sink in, I guess.
I have been trying to muster all the courage I can get to avoid situations that would normally break me down, that I have learned to put up a wall around me to shut out all feelings that might render me weak. I guess that wall I built is just way too high now, and way too tough that even I can’t let myself back in anymore.