shooting blanks

The world has this odd way of giving you truths in a way that makes you feel on one part you’ve been hoodwinked, the other makes you feel that you deserve it and you knew that it was coming all along.
I felt the other day that something big was going to happen, something that I had to be strong for. I thought I was going to lose something, someone. I was near tears as I was going home, trying my best to foresee all possibilities, and painting scenarios in my head on how best I could prepare myself for this. I couldn’t take this sitting down. Somewhere deep inside me I wanted to be truly weak, and all at once just snap. Tears in my eyes, I would tear all my hair off and probably resign to insanity.
But life gave me a totally different surprise today. And I was terribly, I think, caught off guard. There were no signs, whatsoever. Just one missed call that now made perfect sense, I think. (Thanks, Tzie. I don’t know if it was why you called me the other day, but at least you did, for some reason.) And then again, curiosity and just bit too much time spent online (doing things that you really are better off not doing, knowing things that you are definitely better off not knowing)…
And just how do I feel? I don’t know.
Congratulations. Wish you both the best.
I am tired of thinking about the possibilities anymore. I’m tired of thinking of what-ifs anymore, to wake up in this same bed that we shared for a time thinking that one sweet day, we’ll get to share it again.
Putang ina, masakit. Pero pagod na ako.
(Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy playing in the background.) I want to breakout and cry as I have earlier scheduled, but I haven’t really cried for such a long time now, I guess I must have forgotten how to. Is it a good thing? I’m not one to tell.
I guess it would have been my fault too. I choose to live in misery thinking too much about what things could have been, the same things that clearly could not be. I don’t know if feeling this way is of any benefit to me, or to anyone anymore, I’m sure anyone would say that I should just get myself out of this stupid shit and freaking move on.
There’s nothing left to bitch about anymore. Nothing left to overanalyze. Nothing left to feel really. What’s lost is lost and what’s done is done for, more than a year ago. I should just get on with my life and just take that part of my past with a grain of salt.
And this is me trying to overanalyze things again. I guess I have mostly overthought my tears away, and that is what many people have perceived as strength. Am I really strong? I don’t have any idea of what strength is.
I envy Wolverine all of a sudden:
You drinking to forget?
Nope, I’m drinking to remember.
Where are adamantium bullets to the head when you need them?

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