i wanna be an alcoholic

Odd enough, it’s been a couple of days that I’ve been drinking myself to sleep. Hindi pa naman ako alcoholic pero nakakainom ako ng isang bote ng Vodka Ice bago ako matulog. And then smoke a stick or two. Supposedly contradicting ang epekto nila pero I do what I can to make me sleep better.
Had a romping raving time with Cheng the other night. Since may kasama na si Chryssie for the most part these days, nag-decide kami na i-vote out na muna siya sa Ampalaya Society. Conversations are taken to new heights no doubt with a few bottles of alcohol and a couple packs of smokes. I never had a chance to share most things that I think of to anyone, at least not verbally and not that often, although you only got to read my blog to get the vague ideas that course through much head mostly when I’m not sleeping.
Minsan nga kung masyado ka nang sanay na i-overthink ang mga bagay-bagay, nagkakaroon ka ng panghuhugutan kahit papaano ng mga bagay na pwdeng isulat. Overanalytical minds tend to want to read themselves from a different perspective, if not to get a fresh take on things that they knew or believed as truths during those moments, if not to relish another debunking (of one’s own thoughts) or to simply laugh at how imbecillesque those thoughts were, given a few inches to step back and justify or rationalize recent developments (kahit na ba sa loob-loob mo e alam mong mate-take-over pa rin ang superiority complex mo sa dulo, and you’ll end up validation or affirming those thoughts that you had in the first place because your pride can’t take it by itself to be even minutely wrong at any given point in time, whether in the past or future or ever). Ang hirap lang nun, kasi kahit na anupaman ang gawin mo, hindi kakayaning makahabol ng mga kamay mo sa isipan mo, ang you’ll only end up writing half of the real story
inside of your head. Kung pwede lang sanang i-feed mo na lang automatically lahat ng naisip mo sa computer o sa papel para hindi mo na pahirapan pa ang sarili mo. If only life in general were that easy, e di wala sanang problema sa mundo.
Sometimes you just got to do what you got to do…

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