random shit

This should have been the month that I start it all. Panahon na para simulan ang mga dapat ay matagal nang sinimulan, tapusin ang mga matagal nang dapat tinapos. Minsan hindi mo lang maintindihan na kung bakit sa dinami-dami ng mga pagkakataon na nananandito ka na dati,
bakit ngayun lang, bakit ngayun pa, napagisipan mong magsimula, ulit nga kung anumang dati pa man din binabalak.
Minsan may mga araw na talagang sabog ka lang. Parang ngayon. Parang hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga ang gusto kong gawin. One part of me want to change desperately and start my life anew with no hang ups, no regrets, seizing the day for whatever it’s worth, while the other
wants me to go back to the same old shit that I was, that same old prick that I was, only because it’s a lot easier and a lot moreconvenient for me, and also because it what I have always known myself to be for the longest time. I wonder how great revolutionists had it in the old days, what desperate measures answer situations they would have had to go through to get their asses off the chair and call for radical shift in paradigm. Like what I have always thought, I clearly
need a jolt, a humongous, momentous one, to get my life on track.
I admit, this week was a lazy one. I didn’t go to the gym for the whole week since the 10k marathon. I’ll get my life back on track next week. I miss those days when everything was a lot easier to keep: friends, schedules, deadlines, and promises. Thoughts flowed a lot easier through me, words came a lot easier. Is this a sign of age? Is this a sign of a crisis? Am I experiencing a recession in my own life?
I don’t know. I guess much like everything else, answers are also hard to come by these days too. Come to think of it, they never really did come easy for anyone ever anyway. I got to get back to running soon. I miss the clarity that it creates through my system. Clarity, although induced, imagined, or perceived, that’s one thing everyone could always use once in a while.

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