Happy New Year to me

It just occurred to me: Bakit ba hindi ako ngaususlat na habang nasa office ako? Hindi naman sa wala akong magawa pero tulad ngayon, avail naman, I might as well make productive use of my time instead of sleeping. Parang hindi na ba productive and pagtulog ngayun?
I did not spend New Year’s Eve in the office last year, come to think of it, let me check that calendar, okay, that’s confeeermd, thi si s the second time, I’m actually spending New Year’s Eve in the office, the first was way back in my Matrix days, when it actually fell on a weekday. All other turn of the years either fell on a weekend or on a Friday. What a way to start the year by working.
Isang malaking haay… HAAAY…
I got to be honest, I am so not okay. I’ve been mulling over a lot of stuff in my head more often than usual now and I still can’t believe that after 25 years of living, I have nothing to show for myself. I have lived a very wayward life, not as wayward in all sense of the world in general, but I think I’ve got enough guilt to show for how much I’ve disregarded a lot of things that mostly should have mattered. Sabi ko palagi sa iba, I want to live my life with no regrets, pero yun na rin siguro ang una kong regret sa buhay: sa sobrang pagnanais ko na maging isang free spirit, hindi ko napapansin na wala nang ibang nangyayari pa sa akin kundi mga bagay na wala naman talagang katuturan.
Ngayon, hindi ko pa nararating ang gusto ko sa mundo sa ganitong edad, at lalo lang itong pinalala ng katotohanang hindi ko na ngayon alam kung ano pa ang kaya at gusto kong marating sa buhay ko.
Segue to: ang sakit ng katawan ko, sobrang gym. Nasusuka na ako sa kakainom ng ibuprofen at mefenamic acid, I think I just overdosed.
Back to: my life is bleh. I was thinking the other day, while walking home from my torture haven of the gym, I should make the most of my life this year. I’ve never been anyone who actually belived in making new year’s resolutions, although i think I can remember certain instances in my childhood that I was accustomed to writing them down, for the idea of wanting to change and become something better sounded all to novel and noble to me then. (I feel like throwing up. Literally. Pain killers. I am not going to throw up. I am not going to throw up. I am not going to throw up.)
Now seems like a good idea to start writing those resolutions again. I never really amounted to anything, really, yet, with so little effort and passion, so might as well start now. (Really, I should have written this when I hit the big 2-5, in as much as I don’t want them to be just another set of cliches everyone does in the new year, but I got distracted by a lot of things, I usually am. I still have that list of things I would want to do at age 25 though, maybe I’d postdate that one of these days next week later. No one reads anyway, so what gives? Not like I’m working on a deadline.)
(I am not going to throw up.)
Hindi ko alam kung kailangan may criteria ang mga New Year’s Resolution para maging valid. Dapat ba may magbabago sa sarili mo? Dapat ba may exact schedule, o dapat ba time-bound? Sa totoo lang wala akong pakialam. Basta. Basta ganito ang gagawin ko. Hindi ko alam kung ilan ang maiisip ko ngayon habang avail, pero siguro lima na muna, tapos yung medyo alam kong kaya kong gawin.
Resolution One: Live healthier. Healthier, ibig sabihin, more gym, lesser yosi, at more kain. Hehe. Siguro dun sa more gym, nandun na ako, hindi ko alam kung medyo sobrang vocal na ko sa pagka-addict ko sa gym pero ako lang siguro yun, o siguro napapansin lang talaga ng ibang tao kasi parang hindi ako yung tao na magiging focused talaga sa gym. Hindi naman talaga ako athletic pero mas gusto ko na yung may dahilan kung bakit ako pinagpapawisan. Kailangan kong tumaba. Sabi ng trainor ko sa gym, masyado daw akong magaan para sa height ko, hindi naman daw ako masyadong maliit, pero I could definitely use the weight and the strength that would naturally come with it. Hindi ko alam kung sobrang bilis na lang talaga ng metabolism ko dahil nasanay na ang katawan ko sa pagwo-work-out, o dahil lang sa (the other point of being healthier) yosi. I am planning to reduce my smoking starting this month, although I’m not sure if I can really quit yet. Maybe something I’d consider come June.
Resolution Two: Improve my life. Hindi lang siguro sa quality of living, pero mas mahalaga siguro yung patuloy akong matuto kahit na hindi sa school. I don’t know if I’m ever going back to school but I’m considering learning a new skill or at least trying to master one that I already got or putting that into good use. Pwede na siguro yung pagsusulat, dapat mas madami akong maisulat ngayung taon, hindi lang sa blog, pero screenplay siguro o play. Medyo premature pa siguro kung papatol ako sa mga tula, pero pwede na rin, basta dapat akong magsulat. Kailangan ko na ring matuto ng Photoshop or at least re-learn photography. Naalala ko si daddy yung isang bese, feeling niya hindi daw namin namana sa kanya yung interest sa photography. Well, I don’t want to comment on that anymore, I know my father. Pero siguro, kelangan ko rin lang pakita sa kanya na kaya din namin yun, if not, mas magaling ako sa kanya. Hehe. I should read too. I got a lot of books at home which I’ve never finished reading, most of them I was only able to get to the 100th page. Kaya siguro ang dami ding magazine ako sa bahay.
Resolution Three: Spend time with my family. Matagal na rin akong hindi masyadong nakikihalubilo sa family ko. Iniisip ko dati na kung sabagay naman, hindi naman talaga kami ganun ka-bonded bilang isanang pamilya, unlike other families of my friends that I know of, at medyo huli na ang lahat para makipagbonding pa kami sa isa’t isa. Pero sa kabila nun, namimis ko pa rin sila kung nandiyan sila sa bahay at naaappreciate ko na lalo ngayun yung mga ginagawa nila para sa akin, kahit na mas madalas na mabibilang mo lang yun sa isang kamay hehe. Okey lang, at least nilalabahan nila ang damit ko. Hehe.
Resolution Four: Do a postive thing each day. Normally, dapat ito e, Do a Good Deed Each Day, pero iniisip ko, “good” is such an objective term. What may be considered good for some might not sound that good to me. So, I’d stick with positive. Positive things would be easier to recognize since it would only have to be positive in my point of view, i’m doing these for my own pleasure anyway. Halimbawa, pagbibigay ng limos. Doing someone a favor. Putting in a good word for someone, being there for someone. Giving someone something that they would love/like. Something like that. Tapos, siguro i-popost ko dito, just so I can keep track of it eventually at the end of the year. (Ummm, parang medyo malaking task yata yun. 365, positive things to do for the year. Well, that sounds good. Sige na nga.)
Sabi ko ba lima? Apat na lang siguro. Nahirapan pa akong isipin lahat yang apat. Alas-otso na ng umaga ng bagong taon. Logout na kami. Uwi pa akong Morong.
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