happy birthday to me

hitting the big 25 in a couple of hours.

i don’t even know what i’m going to do on my supposedly special day. i don’t think it’s really that special. at least for some of my friends, it is.

i have spent 25 years living, breathing on this earth and i don’t really have anything substantial to show for it. i’ve hardly made a dent in anyone’s lives, i believe. i’m an utterly forgettable person for the most part, boring and uninteresting.

ganun ba talaga kapag sumasapit ang birthday mo? may mood kang gusto mo lang mag-inarte, gusto mong mag-emo mode for the rest of the day hanggang sa wala nang makaalala pa na birthday mo ngayon? natural ba ito o talagang emotional lang akong tao?

naisip ko mga two weeks ago, gusto kong lumayas na lang. hindi maglayas na parang angst-mode. siguro mas magandang sabihing, tumakas. gusto kong tumakas pasumandali sa lahat ng bagay. gusto kong tumakas sandali mula sa buhay ko ngayon at maging ibang tao. naisip ko na sa
aming apat na magkkapatid, ako pa lang talaga ang hindi umaalis sa bahay. gala ako, labas nang labas, puro gimik, shopping, etc. pero hindi pa talaga ako umaalis ng bahay nang ako lang mag-isa at nagpupunta sa isang malayong lugar. homeboy at heart yata talaga ako.

and then i thought of the things that i would end up doing if i ever had the chance to escape. maybe i’d be more free, more uncontrolled and impulsive or more spontaneous in a way that i am not so right now. maybe i’d go out and meet people on my own, be a little more friendly
and courteous to everyone, or more outspoken instead of being just extremely reactive. okay, hindi siguro yung “mett other people part” masyado yata akong duwag pa para dun.

commercial lang: nakabili pala ako bg dalwang sapatos kahapon, isang t-shirt at isang cap. may sale ng puma sa tiendesitas at biglaan lang naging shopping trip ang dapat oras na ginugol ko sa gym. okay naman kasi 40% off yung mga sapatos. P350 lang yung t-shirt kong nabili at yung cap e P50 lang. ayos na din. considering that i haven’t really gone out to buy shoes for more than 4 or 5 months no, that was good enough for me. I now have 6 pairs of puma shoes and i must admit, i
want more. kung sa wala akong kotse e, sapatos na lang ang ginagastusan ko.

come to think of it, 25 is a good, attractive number. i so love the number 5 and well, 25 is 5 times 5. maraming pwedeng gawin sa number 25, palagay ko, and it looks nice both as a number and when you spell it out: twenty-five.

hindi ko na alam kung anong susunod. hindi na nga yata talaga ako marunong magsulat. sabog ako ngayon, dahil sa dami nga mga bagay-bagay na pumapasok sa utak ko, hindi ko na alam kung paano i-express and sarili ko. most of the time i just keep everything to myself. ayun, wala lang. what good it did to me, alright. i’m not going to make any promises to myself yet. but i am willing to. i still got a couple of hours to think about what comes next and try to plan my life out for the next year. iniisip ko nga, gagawa ako ng 25 things to do at 25. wala lang, bga bagay na dapat kong magawa habang 25 ako, bago ako pumatak ng 26. hindi ko pa alam kung ano yung mga bagay na yun pero medyo may idea na ako. siguro para sa susunod na post na yun. and then a year later, we’ll se how many of those thing i was really able to do.

sounds like a plan. happy birthday to me. advanced happy birthday in about 9 hours or so. i still have time to wallow in my own emo.

do i really look that old?

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