from my 9300 archives: the important things (this is a mighty long one.)

This is a freaking long one, I must say. Chronicles the events leading up to the close of 2008 and the first couple of weeks of 2008. I know I should be separating them into several posts because, hell, it’s going to fuck up my current blog layout, but I won’t do that. One, because I can. Two because, no one really reads this anymore, at least not now. Three, I’m sure I will do it eventually. It kinda ruins the effect if I separated them into several posts. What effect? Discontinuity. Hehehe. (Come to think of it, I might have already posted some of them earlier on. I’ll clean it up. Eventually.)

11/23/2007 9:10 AM

I just realized that it is really hard to keep tab on everything all the time. Like birthdays, for example. How many of my friends’ birthdays do I exactly remember? Only a handful, unfortunately. Sometimes I only remember when it’s over or when there’s some kind of event surrounding it or when somebody reminds me about it. But otherwise, I wouldn’t remember. I guess that’s one thing I should really start taking note of on this communicator: birthdays. Now the problem is, how would you ask an old friend his or her birthday without sounding like an insensitive fool.

11/24/2007 10:43 PM

Just finished playing, well, singing at our very first caroling gig. Never thought that we would sound that good. Amazing in more ways than one. If anyone actually missed a note, it was barely noticeable. The nice acoustics in the room also helped a lot. Too bad we only had a few songs to sing. I think if we only had time to practice a more solid ensemble of songs then Monica would have paid us more than that measly 1500 bucks. That humbug! Hehe.

11/25/2007 12:35 PM
Band practice canceled today. Eizar on one of his stressed out moments. Another lazy day for rest. I was thinking of what I can probably do today which is worth it. Gym sounds nice. I think we still got hip-hop class later at 2:00 pm. Hope I wouldn’t miss it. Come to think about it, I’m so unfit unlike about a month or two ago. Another option could be reading. I only wish I had a little more focus on what I’m reading. Or is it really focus I need or is it a lot less distractions? I remember times when I was reading books at the Main Library and sometimes I’d just fall asleep on them. Which comes to another option, which is sleep. Sleep, sleep and more sleep. That always feels good and makes perfect sense no matter what. In fact, I’m feeling a bit sleepy already. I hope Mayumi calls soon so that I can sleep again. Mabuhay ang buhay baboy! Hehe.

11/25/2007 1:57 PM

I’m craving for an escape. Somewhere I could think clearly and by myself. No distractions, mind-friendly noise in the background. Somewhere I could maybe write with clarity. Oh, crap. I think I’m just craving Starbucks again. One hot praline mocha venti. Or a tall white mocha. A few packs of lights and I’m basically all set.

11/25/2007 8:55 PM

I’m at the moviehouse right now, at the end part of the first movie that I’m going to be watching for over a month now. For lack of other interesting things to do alone other than: a. shopping (which I have decided not to do since I had splurged on 4 shirts and 2 pieces of underwear the other day, at least not until I get my wallet situation back to normal) or b. people-watching at Starbucks with an empty cup of tall white mocha and a fresh praline mocha frappuccino along with a pack of lights (that, I can do later), here I am watching a movie, Hitman. This is supposedly fun, according to Cheng, operative word would be supposedly. Maybe I’m just watching this for the heck of it, more than half of the quadrant I’m in have already seen it, me not being a fan of violence other than the type I inflict onto others. They were just deciphering what the whole point of the movie was the other day and I just took it upon myself to be the one to explain it to them, hehe. Whatever the reason really was, I just did not want to watch Beowulf alone, that one I’m saving for the IMAX 3D experience, and the John Lloyd-Bea movie was too much for my pride, no matter what the box-office gross figures say I’m saving that for one of these weekdays or DVD.

11/25/2007 11:29 PM

Sitting here at Starbucks Shangri-La. Waiting for Fishy. Just finished watching the movie. It was just a so-so shooter film with a not-so-exciting twist. I could not understand what the fuss was about. I should have gotten a discount on the tickets, in a way. Just a thought, would it have been interesting if I was as indifferent of a character as Agent 47? That would have been weird and yet mysteriously arresting. I kinda admire the way he is able to get things done in clockwork precision, no questions asked. Very professional. Just one stupid question: how was he able to get his new suit after jumping into the river to escape the Russian police? Did he just charge it via the barcode on the back of his head? That would have been weird. I just realized I sort of missed moments like this: in some cafe, pretending to be indifferent to anything and anyone, writing away my own thoughts and observations about people who have no choice but to glance on. Hehe. Little do they know, I’d eventually be writing about their weird behaviors and what I think of them. Honestly, I have always sort of fantasized someone hitting on me some cafe, while I’m in the middle of something or at least pretending to . That would definitely be something.

11/26/2007 5:37 AM

I should have been sleeping but instead I was just browsing random websites for the past 3 hours. My goal was supposedly to go to the gym and come by Fishy’s place to pick up her new car. Supposedly, of course.

11/27/2007 2:15 PM

I know exactly what is wrong with me. I’m just plain lazy. Über lazy for my own good. I can’t even follow a simple gym appointment. I feel like watching a movie again. Nah, that entails money, something I lack right now. No swiping allowed! Hehe.

12/04/2007 3:13 AM

I’m extremely bored. That’s why I’m at it again. After I lost the initial excitement about having a sorta-PDA phone, it all just boils down to writing just when I’m alone or extremely bored, both of which are currently satisfied conditions right now. What to do, oh, what to do? For one thing, punishing my lungs seems like plausible but only up to a few sticks. It’s Biyaya’s birthday today. I haven’t checked how much I’ve earned yet for the past month, not until tomorrow at least, when I get my ATM. And I need new trainers (shoes). I got a relatively new watch though, never thought that Rudy Project watches were that okay and that I’m going to have a thing for watches that soon. My granita tastes a bit of a hint of hotdogs for some totally absurd reason, must be from the fact that it’s totally melted out. Just resembles murky water now. Booger clings to my fingers, must have microscopic traces of it on my keyboard now. Who actually cares? No one I’d know within a 10-foot radius of where I am sitting right now. Yep, all these just validate one simple thing: I am currently uninspired by my state of affairs. Where’s that change I’ve been looking for? Not here yet, sir. Not yet. Not now. I need a drag.

12/04/2007 10:18 AM

Sitting here at Next Door North Park for Biyaya’s celebratory breakfast. I’m drowning mysef in tea. I just got my new ATM card, after waiting for almost more than 30 minutes for it at iBank / Unionbank. The nice thing I got out of it is the card that I got works like a Visa card. I can use it anywhere Visa is accepted. In a way I got two Visa cards already: one Visa credit card and a Visa debit card. Sweetness.

12/14/2007 8:53 PM

Odd enough, I’m craving Starbucks. I kinda missed writing here. I just got to figure out how to save templates for my “journal” entries. Only goes to show that I’m not that prolific of a writer as I thought I was before. I’m a few more blocks to Eastwood City and a few more hours to work. Traffic sucks as normal.

12/15/2007 3:10 AM

Which other job would let you stay up in such ungodly hours and still manage to do what else you want? It’s not even a valid question anymore, what am I doing in this kind of job. For starter, I always try to convince myself and those who need convincing that I am okay with this line of work. You can only want things so badly that it hurts, but it’s the wanting so badly and getting disappointed big time that hurts the most.

12/15/2007 3:39 PM

In a fantastic turn of events, my utmost excitement over tomorrow’s party gradually reduced itself to inevitable self-pity and paramount boredom. We have been waiting for over an hour now for a freaking cab, we got tired of getting desperate about it. We’re up to the point of “what’s the point?” and “does it really ever matter now?” justifying our pitiful fortunes by nodding aimlessly to space, staring blankly at stark white cabs whizzing by full, and playing with our fates through my e-magic 8-ball. Suddenly cabs become scarce and choosy come Christmastime.

12/23/2007 3:44 AM

Sitting here inside Eat My English a couple of days before Christmas and Fishy’s doing her gift list across the table. Odd enough, I kinda expected people not to go out anymore tonight but I guess it must be the long weekend that’s why the kids are still out at 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning. This has got to be my most expensive Christmas to date, notwithstanding the fact that I even lost my wallet over a month ago. I got a new jacket, 2 watches, shoes and a crisp white shirt for myself and a batch of expensive gifts for my friends and family. And I’m not yet even done. Still have to get stuff for my student/trainees and my high school and college friends. I thought that it was always the thought that counts when giving gifts but eventually, I had to resort to putting my planning and shopping skills to good use by doing the EDSA mall tour the other day. In all fairness, I missed Ortigas but got through most of the malls on the EDSA stretch. At any rate, what’s four malls missed to 13 conquered? Hehe. That was fun. I better make that an annual event.

12/23/2007 7:00 AM

Home at last. Time for sleep. Got to make a list of things to do for the week-long vacation. Save money. No more shopping. Yeah right. Zzzz…

12/24/2007 2:04 AM

BBQ Boy, near Ortigas Home Center. Here with Fishy, Alex, Miles and Mark Tan. A couple of hours more and it would be Christmas Day. I feel kinda proud because I got everyone in the family gifts, and not just simple gifts, but fabulous ones. And they almost always never get me anything. Haay. Family. Hoping to consume an arm’s equivalent by tomorrow in ham and barbeque. Don’t forget to bring the red wine! I wish Kuya Al will not insist to drink this coming New Year’s day. That’s his thing, faux bonding. I just feel it’s a lot too late now, hey, as if anyone is actually getting any younger. It would have been nicer to have such a relationship with one’s family, like jokes and nonsensical banter, but hey, just got to work with what you grew up with.

12/29/2007 11:13 PM

With my long lost high school friends here at my favorite joint to-date, Eat My English. Feels good to finally go out with them, after not seeing them for more than six months. Rudy is back from Dubai, just in time. Attendance is almost complete, got Elaine and Aldrin, Ruth, Nyl, Weng and Anj, my ex. We haven’t spoken a word deliberately to each other since the night began, me and Anj. I do hope she is happy with her life as I am, despite of everything. Times like these are always good shared with booze. Hehe. Something to end the year right, and a fresh start for 2008 for everyone. Sharing stories about life, not me though, they have always known that my life has always been a bore. Not that much achieved, a lot of ideas conceived.

12/30/2007 12:54 AM

Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf at Ortigas Park. Talking about genetic abnormalities that which kill babies and life in general. Good conversations.

12/30/2007 2:14 AM

Waiting for Fishy here beside Starbucks at Metrowalk. High school friends just got home. Talk lead to weddings and having a quarter-life crisis just before they decided to cal it a night and snooze away. Weird, these people that I grew up with basically suddenly taking about money and the cost of weddings. I guess I better get used to it. Not like anybody amongst us is actually getting any younger. Mentally, I guess for some, but for the most part we are all at that stage of becoming full adults. I think I am not yet ready for full adulthood, I guess nobody ever really is. Thoughts about having kids and getting hitched, buying a new car or house scares me and at the same time it seems challenging. I mean, like, to actually have a kid, or several of them, to be fully responsible in bringing them up as honorable and useful members of society, or just blank canvasses that we can realize our frustrated dreams through. That is a very very tall order for anyone. But the very nature of civilization at large depends largely on these types of crises, the one of procreation and sustenance, of both society’s physical and psychological well-being. I don’t have any defense for myself, neither do my parents, for whatever me and my siblings have become, either categorically good or otherwise. Ruminating deeply on the year ahead and the changes that I am thinking of doing to my life makes my head hurt. I’d have to face it eventually, that is all too clear and might be a bit too much to take in for now, but at this very moment, I firmly believe that I officially need a drag. Fishy is not yet here though.

Not too sudden realization that I am officially tired thinking. Just thinking makes my head want to spin.

Cream corn soup just crossed my mind for no apparent reason at all.

I was just thinking, I am pretty used to this kind of lifestyle, nights out drinking etc. Could this be the thing that I should change this coming year? Would it actually make a big impact on me as a person if I just tried to stay at home on weekends?

1/1/2008 9:10 PM

My first entry for the year. Just when I thought that everything would be going okay, something pops up to throw me off balance again. God, I wish I never learned to smoke and I was a more friendly person. I’m here at Starbucks now enjoying my time alone. Well, sort of, alone. New Year’s eve was fun, by most standards, I don’t think I had that much excitement run through me since I was a kid. I am okay with my life, and 2007 was quite a good year. Had a smashing Christmas party and sung a couple of songs with a band. Got to go to places, got promoted and trained the first 100% passing class for Series 7, that was fun. Had a bit of upsets though, lost my wallet again, after exactly a year, and as a result of my promotion, I have to miss our reunion. Hoping that would be 100% attended.

I guess it is the season for so-called resolutions. Lest I be called abnormal, I’m thinking of a few of my own, though personally, I don’t really care. Now to count the ways that I would be better-ing myself (make myself better) for the coming year.

1. I better get to the gym as frequently as before. I have had leaps and bounds when I first started, and save for a few setbacks here and there, stress for one, I have made good in terms of my gym experience. My friends say so, why in hell would I not believe them? I just have to keep it up, like do more classes in a week and do more weights at home. When Mayumi was here, at least I had sex even if I had not had the chance to go to the gym, but now, just have to prepare my beach body in time for summer. She might be coming home again in May so i better be prepared.

2. I better reduce spending and save up. All the talk about weddings and my cousins hooking up has definitely got me pressured in settling down. I mean, I have always wanted to settle down, I think nothing beats the thrill of coming home to your kind after a long day’s work. But to ultimately give myself to someone and to vow to dedicate every singe breath to just one person, now that’s certainly a rush. I do hope I am prepared for it. Like I always say. I’ll be there when I’m there.

3. I better reduce smoking. Realizing that I won’t probably be able to quit altogether this year, although I can’t really tell, might as well settle for the next best thing. I’ll probably quit eventually, but who’s in a hurry, right?

4. I better travel. Get out of the city more often, or at least finally prove to everyone that I cansurvive out of my comfort zone which is the Metro. Get out of the country, now that would be a trip.

5. I better reduce clutter. Yes.

6. I better fix my life. I better fix my life. I better fix my life.

I am tired, and I still got to edit my/our closet. I better get on home.

1/3/2008 9:06 PM

I’m bored. I basically just wasted today. I didn’t go to the gym, didn’t go out of the house at all and still managed not to get any of the cleaning done. I guess I am used to laziness lately because of my long vacations. At least I still got a full day tomorrow to get everything or almost everything done before I get back to work. I was almost imagining getting bedsores because of lying around too much. Technically, I could still go out. Maybe get some coffee and write or read. Or maybe catch a movie somewhere. I don’t know if there’s anywhere else I can go to. As much as it is somewhat tempting, I can only imagine going to Eat My English alone, you know, in as much as I love the place and all.

I am very much tempted to go out. Just for the sake of it, even though I am alone and I always run the risk of overspending for myself when I am alone and out. Heck, I could just get coffee. Coffee is always great.

1/4/2008 1:22 AM

Loser mode right now. Sitting alone at Eat My English drinking beer. Got nothing to do at home and I personally needed noise. Trying to think of things that I need to take care of really soon, me being on the path of supposedly fixing my life, at least whatever is left to salvage. I like noise. It drives my brain into rhythms that are measured by beats and pauses, no matter how minute, in between. If I could just modify the least beats of my heart then I know I would be on to something cool and life-changing.

Do I really look like I have a personal problem? At least I am not crying by my lonesome or staring into blankness uncontrollably. It takes gumption to do things alone in the city, for one it being an unsafe and inconvenient place to be alone in , and secondly, one can’t help to look sorry for oneself. Brush me off, lady in the window, I am most certainly not looking for anyone to talk to. This is my time for self- introspection and self-thought. I have done this one too many times in my life before, just goes to show I am not afraid of being alone.

I guess that really is part of my problem, much too unafraid of being alone. I guess it really had not dawned on me yet how sad it could be, no matter what other people who have experienced it might say. I have always had my family and friends no matter what I become or do they have always been there. At times a bit too much though. I haven’t had the chance or the real need to move out, creature comforts that I get with them just hovering around isn’t worth giving up.

I wish the DJ would play some house music really loud. Hip-hop isn’t cutting it for me unless I am moving or cavorting. I certainly would not do that by myself. Hehe.

I haven’t been a good anything for the longest time, I just realized. For the most part of my life I have ben depended upon to be good at certain things but I don’t think I have really achieved that much over the past few months. Everything seems half-baked. Lacking in one way or another, incomplete. I feel that I could have always done more. I guess anyone would always say that.

I haven’t been a good son. I haven’t really spent time with either of my parents save for last Christmas and New Year. I miss the times when I would go shopping with my mom, or those nights when all of us would go to mass Sundays and the off to the mall after that. We really didn’t buy much nut that was our sort of mandatory-slash-trying-hard family bonding moment. I guess I did feel awkward at times since we were not really used to that when we were a lot younger and I guess we never will be even more now that we know a lot better. As always, I just wished we were a family which had a lot more soul, a lot more passion on being a family than us siblings feeling that we were forced to bond with each other. It’s definitely an odd way, how we were raised, lacking in humor that each of us own individually with each of our own peers and friends. And so much more lacking in that sense of family that I guess we all long for when we are with other families we are detached from.

I haven’t been a good friend. I wasn’t ever a good one at relationships per se. I am a casual friend, in all aspects of the term, I am a friend when I am there. Not much on deep connections or intense friendships than remembering birthdays, in which I absolutely suck on, and being there when someone dies, apparently, I don’t do good on weddings and baptisms either. No one really misses me among friends I have had, the old ones, they probably do by force of habit, not because they miss me for something that I really am to them. I on the other hand, find it hard to get attached to any particular friend of group of. I have my own devils to keep and I just feel that my own friends would definitely find it extremely disturbing to find out about them. It takes skill to make impersonal casual relationships and be a perfect casual friend, but as it goes, I am currently pretty good at that. Amazingly, I am good at this one thing after all.

God, I could get used to this, drinking alone. I could eventually become an alcoholic writer. Coolness. Hehe.

Moving on: I certainly haven’t been a good boyfriend/partner at all. I just plainly suck at relationships. Period.

Some of the guys here at English already left. I got the whole outside space to my own now. Hehe.

The guys from the other side of the window just got out. They are clearly drunk and a bit rowdy. The DJ just left and the house music is now playing. Obviously not loud enough. I can still hear their conversations from across the outside area. I just got myself a Coke Light and Adobo Flakes. Time to eat.

I guess people build their own support systems over people whom they feel most comfortable with. Odd enough people behave oddly when their support systems come tumbling down. Otherwise, people just say a lot of things when they are either drunk or extremely pissed off or worse, both at any given time.

Their conversations are way too loud, turns out that one of the guys or I guess two of them are expatriates from the US. I so hate anyone FilAm except for my girlfriend. They simply are lost and seems ike they don’t feel where to belong. And they feel that both countries are their homelands. It’s one thing to want to belong than owning the goddamn place. That other guy looksl ike Chris Kaizer. Sick. I guess it’s a dysfunction they get from both races. They are too pitiful for words.

The last group stying in side just left. Now it’s just me and the rowdy group, hell, I wish they would have just stayed inside. Seems that they are all FilAm after all. Death to FilAms and to their parents who raise them in error! Jesus, as long as they can cuss and whine in Filipino they feel that they are okay. Pfft!

That’s what you get when you are in loser mode. You get the loser crowd to accompany you in your loser moments.

To brush with fame: turns out the guy is really Chris Kayzer and the other guy is Miguel Escueta. Hehe. Weirdos.

Weird. Weird. Weird.

Finally alone at Eat My English. Some peace and quiet. I wish they’d turn up the house music again. Really loud this time, please.

1/6/2008 12:43 AM

Coffee at Starbucks at Temple Drive. Fishy’s gone pooping. Hehe. Left here with my usual buddies, cigarettes and a half-done white chocolate mocha. Amazingly, getting my glasses crushed under my ass gave me a clearer grip on things. Cool amazing clarity. Though I am not able to read things more than 20 feet away, at least I can describe in full detail things that are a lot closer. For the most part, I was kinda hoping to see a lot more people tonight. Not that I don’t want to see Fishy anymore, she’s been my closest friend at work right now, but I was thinking a lot more people would be out tonight, probably drinking in some dark corner of the metro. Well, to think that payday’s still more than a week away, I guess people just got an extreme lack of moolah, the sorry state that was the last payday. And come to think of it, I don’t think I’m really up for too much drinking tonight, given the lot that I ate at Sbarro a couple of hours before. But still, I miss ’em guys. The whole group. We can’t even remember precisely the last time that everyone was out, not counting birthdays and the 2 Christmas parties. Haay, that was a long time ago, way before Eizar was grumpy. Is it really too much to ask for? I guess so, everyone’s got their own thing now pretty much.

I’m at that phase in my life again when I try to remember and refresh my memory of things that had happened before, salvaging them for the good times that they were, something to make me smile inappropriately at times when smiling inappropriately would just be the most logical thing to do, other than crying shamelessly alone or letting dark empty spaces consume your vision for a good five minutes or so. Just plain weird.

I must really be getting older (no offense, Fishy. I know you’ll end up reading this soon enough.) but this is supposed to be good, right? Getting older and shit. At times when you realize that you are getting older, I just comes back to you suddenly, with cool amazing clarity, those times when you were young and the grown-ups would not play with you anymore, not just because they’re already old and already got tired of playing games anymore, but bigger than that, they were going through a day like this too, as what you’re going through now.

I’m getting my glasses on Wednesday. This phase is interestingly enlightening, but it’s such a boon watching movies on the big screen without my glasses.

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