from my 9300 archives: doing the things we do

I got to admit, this would be one of those weird posts. I guess for me, the weird posts actually get me the most insight into what is going on in my brain, although that might be just me drowning in my own pee. I guess I wrote this over a span of 24 hours. Got lazy about putting timestamps anymore, I suppose. They don’t really matter to the mind anyway.

November 27, 2007

Just when I was enjoying the perks of having the phone, then everything just begins to fall apart. First, Mayumi is having one of her moments again. Takot ko na lang if this becomes something bad. And secondly, the file that I have been doing the whole day just disappeared. This day couldn’t suck more than it does.
And then it just boils down to simpe plain stupidity. Apparently I just happened to move the file into another folder. And since I already knew that her cycle was coming up, a little understanding could have averted any other conflict.
Again, plain stupidity.
Aside to what Fish and I have been talking over a couple of beer bottles a while ago, why exactly do we do the things we do? Why do we even do them when we know that they do not make any hint of perfect sense at all. (Bea-John Lloyd movie trailer playing in the background. Of all coincidences. Something that Bea said about the movie struck me: When you are in love, you must be really very happy. You might be okay but are your really happy? Fuck.)
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I decided not to go home tonight. Well, just because. I want to get out. I want to be somewhere else than where I am right now, not just physically but also mentally and psychologically, for whatever that’s worth. Minsan nakakapagod isipin. How hard one longs for change and then how hard we try to fight it when we learn of how much it actually overwhelms us altogether. I mean, why do we always do that? Exactly.
Some of us look for signs. Some of us wish for signs from heaven on what decision to make. But in the long run, do these signs even actually matter? Don’t we always end up deciding otherwise? Why do we do that? Exactly.
We just finished another round of band practice. Pretty good we sounded. Just have to learn how to play one song after the other in a solid set. Excited about playing at the party. I just don’t know if I would be able to sustain the energy all throughout the party without missing the notes.
I’m tired. Watching CSI:Miami. Thinking of those topics that we used to discuss in college about how TV shows have certain themes and all. Wala lang. Just a thought. I figured that sometimes it doesn’t really work that I have this communicator phone to write my thoughts on when the mood strikes me.
I fell asleep last night. Watching Amelie now. This is a really cool French flick about an eccentric girl fixing other people’s lives in secret. Like a superhero of sorts. I wish I was weird enough to pull off something like that in real life. But far more than saving other people, the nuances of my own life I couldn’t even muster the courage to face. Or, not even just the courage, but the will itself. I’m just plain lazy. Just like today.
Could any other day after I came back from training be more toxic than the day that was today? Shit, the phones are ringing off the hook! It’s as if everyone who was supposed to call over the Thanksgiving weekend chose to call this Monday instead. Days like this, one can’t help but ask: what the hell are we actually doing here? Why did I get this job anyway? It’s all about the benjamins, honey. All about the benjamins.

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