those days from before before

a page ripped off my journal. just something to remember me by before i actually consider killing myself now. random thoughts from God knows when.

Just when I was enjoying the perks of having the phone, then everything just begins to fall apart. First, Mayumi is having one of her moments again. Takot ko na lang if this becomes something bad. And secondly, the file that I have been doing the whole day just disappeared. This day couldn’t suck more than it does.

And then it just boils down to simpe plain stupidity. Apparently I just happened to move the file into another folder. And since I already knew that her cycle was coming up, a little understanding could have averted any other conflict.

Again, plain stupidity.

Aside to what Fish and I have been talking over a couple of beer bottles a while ago, why exactly do we do the things we do? Why do we even do them when we know that they do not make any hint of perfect sense at all. (Bea-John Lloyd movie trailer playing in the background. Of all coincidences. Something that Bea said about the movie struck me: When you are in love, you must be really very happy. You might be okay but are your really happy? Fuck.)

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I decided not to go home tonight. Well, just because. I want to get out. I want to be somewhere else than where I am right now, not just physically but also mentally and psychologically, for whatever that’s worth. Minsan nakakapagod isipin. How hard one longs for change and then how hard we try to fight it when we learn of how much it actually overwhelms us altogether. I mean, why do we always do that? Exactly.

Some of us look for signs. Some of us wish for signs from heaven on what decision to make. But in the long run, do these signs even actually matter? Don’t we always end up deciding otherwise? Why do we do that? Exactly.


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