i keep hoping that all of this is just a dream that soon enugh i'll wake out of, and that the worse thing that could possible happen is that i'll be late for another day at work. i feel numbed in places that i never thought had nerves in them, cold in my hands, sweaty, clammy if you will, even after rubbing them to the bone. on one hand i appreciate the release, the sudden release of that breath that i have held for the longest time, for this, for her (god knows how much more longer than this i would have willingly held my breath, for her who was the cause for my every action, for her who was the pushing the electrons of my neurons for every moment i have known) though i can hardly show it, though i can hardly make her feel it. and here i am, not waking from this dream, not rousing in some sweet blissful fantasy, alive and awake as i watch myself hold back the walls to keep them from falling upon me and crushing me dead, lest my pride allow anyone to bear witness. i am here, awake, still thinking what i could have done or said differently or thought differently that would be like my sound of thunder. at any rate, i pause for a few more moments from this selfish aside to my undeserving self and continue acting naturally in spite of it all. i can't even dare say it, for the sheer love of myself, for that which comes from my mouth affirms its truth. i am so in denial.